Wouldn’t it be nice if it was though? All about you?
Perhaps, but when you really stop to think about it, maybe not…
I made a declaration to myself this year that I would try my hardest to break out of this funky feeling I have been experiencing over the last few months.
The theme of my life during that time was one of overwhelming defeat. Most of which I brought on myself through negative thinking and over extending in order to please others.
Something that sounds like a good quality to have, but it can back fire very quickly!
It got to the point where I put my own needs aside to focus on the needs of others so much that I began to fall back into old patterns of self defeating behavior that inevitably led to a spout of depression deeper than anything I have felt in close to 10 years.
And the worst thing about it, was that there was no one to blame. No love gone wrong, no friendship lost or the passing of a loved one.
Sure, it felt like a part of me died inside and maybe it did, but if so, it was all my own doing and may have been the best thing for me.
It is hard to explain why, but I’ll try.
When I get into slumps like these, there will be a day or in many cases several days, where I crawl inside myself, shut out the rest of the world and swim in the abyss of thoughts swirling around in my head.
I completely detach from everything and everyone.
It sounds a bit unhealthy, but I have found it to be the only path to overcoming it.
The more I talk about what is bothering me, the more it seems to bother me. And the more it bothers me, the more I shut down. Until a day comes when I literally feel nothing at all.
And I mean that in all of its intensity.
It is as if I am in the audience of my own life.
I become resigned to the idea that all of this is meaningless.
There is so much beauty in the world, but yet so much pain and tragedy that reaching for appreciation becomes a mournful task.
After all, none of us know what’s next. We tell ourselves that these struggles, these constant battles with life to keep moving forward will all mean something in the end, but we will never know until we reach that end.
Dark, I know, but that is where I go and where I stay until something switches inside of me for reasons I will never know.
It is usually a process, like the shedding of ones skin or emerging from a cocoon.
Suddenly, I shine a little brighter.
And inspiration to creatively express myself returns. Which is when I compose some of my best posts.
All the time spent inside my mind, pours onto the page with little to no effort from me. I will be working on a project or driving somewhere and an idea will come out of nowhere!
It could be a word, a phrase or my favorite, some off the wall theory that I am convinced is the answer to one of life’s many oddities!
In most cases, during the beginning of my emergence back to reality, it’s poetry.
And for me, a poem is just a passing emotion.
The words just flow to me and I capture them.
Seems fitting I’d shed those first in order to make room for the big revelations.
Although there is a caveat to this resulting overflow of inspiration.
And I am sure it is something that is very frustrating to a lot of writers who have their writing linked to their personal social media platforms.
At a certain point you begin to feel as though you lose the ability to freely express yourself, because people tend to read into things way too much and that can pose a whole new set of issues.
It can be very hindering to your writing when every time you sit down to write a post, you worry about how it will be received by those who are closest to you. There is no free expression there.
And why do I worry about this so much?
Because I am very good at over thinking things! Haha!
No but seriously…I have to remind myself daily that it’s not always about me!
And I know I am not the only one with this problem (or numerous others we may have in common). Which is the whole reason I share my thoughts.
I know what it’s like to feel alone.
“Every living creature on this earth dies alone…
Does that scare you?
I don’t want to be alone.”
Donnie Darko (2001)
As emotional beings, I think we all have a tendency to internalize and worry about things that are completely unnecessary and unjustified.
It can be extremely challenging not to take things personally and the more you care about someone, the more personal their behavior becomes.
However, in all reality it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. And although it is important to express to them how you are feeling, it is also important to keep in mind how they may be feeling.
It will help you with the difficult task of expressing how you feel, while being supportive and non-defensive.
An art I have not yet mastered, but I do my best…and it is never via my blog.
Hardly anything I write is directed towards someone or meant to rely some hidden message to those that have wronged me.
Of ‘course, my words may stem from an internal struggle, but by the time they hit the page, that is in the past.
I don’t play the passive aggressive game folks…if I am upset with you about something, you will hear about it! And I can assure you of that!
If you are close to me that means I value and respect you.
And I wouldn’t write some passive aggressive post about it, hoping you figure out it’s about you.
It should be pretty well known that when I have something to get off my chest, there is not much that will stop me from spewing it out (whether you like it or not!). It may take me a moment to compose my thoughts, but once they are composed, they must be released. It’s self preservation.
I know that if I don’t say what I need to say (good or bad) it will eat away at me, because I will not be able to move forward without knowing the result of words unspoken.
Anyone of us could be taken from this world at any given time, so why wait?
How many people in your life have passed before you were able to tell them how much they meant to you?
For me there are just a few and I think about them all the time.
I don’t have a lot of regrets.
There was a time I would have said I had no regrets, but that’s not true.
There will always be…just a few.