Thank you to everyone who supported and participated in the It’s Okay campaign for August.
I really enjoyed sharing my thoughts with you each day and hopefully it brought some inspiration and/or motivation to you all.
With everything going on in the world, I felt everyone could use a reminder that it is okay not to be okay sometimes. We are human and humans feel a wide range of emotions. All of which are okay. Why?
Because our emotions are our guidance system, they offer us a deeper understanding of ourselves and how we interact with the world. They are valuable and essential to our growth. That is their value. One that is often overlooked. My hope is that putting the spotlight on each throughout the month has added to their value and perhaps assisted in understanding and growth.
Moving forward, I will be less present daily on my blog, but for a good cause. I have decided to take the time I was utilizing each morning before work and in my free time to finishing my next book. I set a deadline of completion for myself of Fall of 2020, but as everyone has experienced…nothing seems to go as planned this year!
I am still going to try my best to finish it yet this year, but in order to do that, I will be stepping away from my other writing projects & platforms in the meantime. I will try to share pieces with you along the way and thank you in advance for your patience.
This next book, the sequel to Insane Roots, has been challenging emotionally and sharing it with the world will require more courage than anything I’ve ever written. It will be a bit risky, but I can only hope it will be received warmly, with the knowledge that it was written from the heart, without malice and only with good intentions.
This is a really good one for me. I’m pretty stubborn and I used to have a really hard time asking for help. I still have the tendency to try and do everything on my own, but I’ve learned to say uncle from time to time when it becomes too much.
I think it is assumed that asking for help is somehow showing weakness, but it’s actually the opposite. Not asking for help is more of a sign of weakness than having the intelligence to know when you need an extra hand and the strength to not be ashamed to ask for it.
If you are struggling, don’t be afraid to utilize to tools at hand. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you have a desire to feel better and be better. No matter what it is, there is help out there.
It’s okay not to be okay sometimes, don’t be so hard on yourself.
I’ve written oodles on the subject of love or rather the struggles in finding the truth of it all. So for today, I would like to leave you with an excerpt from my most recent title, The Poetry of Emotion. I think it summarizes my thoughts on the subject very well. Falling in love doesn’t have to always lead to a happy ending to be worthwhile. Sometimes the journey is what is really worthwhile. It allows you to be ready for the real thing when it finally comes along. 😉🥰
Before I was blessed with my current partner, my relationship with love over the last ten years was one of mostly anguish and despair. For a very long time, I had a lot of trust issues, which grew stronger with every betrayal and failed attempt at love. I came to a point just before meeting my boyfriend where I honestly felt I was done with the prospect of ever finding someone. I resigned myself to the fact that maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for me. And wouldn’t you know, just when I had given up, out of nowhere, there he was!
It was a long journey to here and as with many adventures, I came out the other side wiser for having experienced them. Wisdom I would like to share with you now. My hope being it may save someone else from making the same mistakes or less of them at least. After all, some mistakes are worth making. How else do we learn?
Let me start by asking, how many of you have been in love? I mean truly/unconditionally in love with another person? And if you don’t know, than the answer is most likely NO. Because, let me tell you, you’d know.
Now, I’ve had it twisted myself at times, but once you feel it, I mean really feel it, nothing else compares. And that is not to say that every relationship I have been in has been with someone I was truly in love with either. In reviewing my many failed attempts at relationships, one thing became very clear: Either you feel it or you don’t, it’s that simple. All this BS about timing or not being ready is just that, BS.
When I think about my one great love in past, the timing was all wrong and neither of us were ready, but we didn’t care. All that mattered to us was being together. Sure we had our share of disagreements, but at the end of the day, we never loved one another any less. Even to this day, there is never a question in my mind as to the in-penetrable bond between us. Sure the dynamic of our relationship/friendship has changed over the years, but that is a story for another day, let’s just say we now share a common interest…men!
Anyway…I guess my point is that we all seem to make the search for love so much more difficult than it needs to be. We seem to find ourselves staying in relationships out of comfort, chasing all the wrong people or hanging on to a hope that someday it will all work out. And for what? Why?
The cold hard truth is that all the signs are usually right in front of us that it is not meant to be, but out of some need to be loved we keep chasing, we refuse to see them. Let’s be honest, telling someone you are ‘just not that into them’ is a bit of an awkward conversation to have. We think we are doing right by saying something like, “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I am just not looking for anything serious right now”. It is a way of letting them down easy without completely breaking their heart. Seems logical right?
In my opinion…it’s crap. Not all cases of ‘course, there are some exceptions to the rule, but for the rest of us…is that really what we mean or is it just a way for us not to feel bad about telling someone we don’t feel the same and we never will? I have been on both sides of this and neither are pleasant. Obviously, the side of rejection being the worst.
What I am about to say may come across as a bit harsh, but life lessons usually are.
Love is blind and the need for it crippling. Which is why it is so important to learn to love yourself above all else.
You may be thinking that is easy for me to say, but remember, looks can be deceiving. I, too, harbor my own special set of demons. The path in conquering them has led me here, hopefully to impart some of the wisdom gained by my experiences to save someone else from some of the same struggles.
Okay, so like I said above…Rule #1 and the most important of them all! -Learn how to love yourself.
And I don’t mean every second of every day, but you need to get to a point where your happiness does not depend on someone else. I think this is the biggest issue in relationships. There is this idea perpetuated in society that we need to find someone to complete us, or more insultingly save us. As a result we begin searching for this other half before we have even begun to understand who we are or what true love really is.
That is an awful lot of pressure to put on someone; your happiness. Not to mention it is an impossible task for anyone but yourself, so we are setting them up to disappoint us from the very beginning. Which they do, because they can’t help not to and this continues to happen over and over again until the entire relationship unravels. Ask me how I know…
My New Year’s resolution in 2015 was not only to learn to love myself, but to find myself. After all, it is hard to love someone you don’t really know! And so the journey began. I started a new blog, moved to a new city and set the course for massive change.
It took almost two years, but by the start of 2017, I could confidently say I knew who I was, what I wanted, and most importantly, what I was worth! And for anyone who battles with depression, you know just how big of an accomplishment that was. I finally felt ready to give dating another try. It didn’t pan out until just recently, but I learned two more very important lessons in the process.
1. No matter how much you grow as a person or how much you love yourself, being vulnerable with someone will always hold the potential of pain, but it also holds the possibility of finding what is truly meant to be. Tomorrow is not promised and if we never try, we will never know.
2. True love knows nothing of time. It will not wait for you to be ready or the timing to be right. Genuine, unconditional love between two destined souls has one goal and one goal alone…unity. You will not have to search for it, you will not have to chase it and you will not have to question it. If you are doing any of those three things, it is not meant to be.
And on that note, I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom on the subject of love. I hope they give you the courage to continue fighting and save you a bit of heartbreak along the way.
Please do yourself a favor, don’t wait. Don’t be afraid to try your hand at love. You may lose it all in the end, but then again it may be the best decision you ever made. Wouldn’t it be better to know? And the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious, remind yourself of what I have said.
And please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you? Exactly. Remember that.
Don’t hang on to the possibility that one day they will change their mind and if you just hold on long enough, you will be the one they choose. Go live your life, they are. As much as it hurts, not everyone you love is going to love you back in the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s nothing you can change. It either is or it isn’t…that is all there is to it. Don’t waste your time chasing something or someone that is almost what you want, you might end up overlooking the right one and wouldn’t that be a shame.
❤ It’s okay to fall in love….even if it doesn’t work out, because someday it will and all those struggles will be worth it in the end. ❤
And the frustrating part of that is because I could see this coming. I knew I was manifesting this moment in time.
When I started this new job, I was extremely excited, but my point of attraction was on the worry about the loss of freedom that would happen as a result.
I was so used to doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it, that I knew being held to deadlines would result in losing a majority of that freedom.
If I didn’t have the work ethic I do, it wouldn’t be so much of a problem. I would put myself first and then worry about my work obligations.
Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you think of it) I don’t operate that way. Work has always been the first priority. Due to my upbringing and never really feeling like I belonged, instilled in me was this need to be accepted and approved of.
It is a blessing and a curse.
I will always do everything in my power to excel at my job, but I haven’t yet fine-tuned the ability to not leave myself by the wayside.
I’ve been struggling to find balance, a challenge I knew was coming, and that I believed I was ready for.
It’s been a delicate harmony up until now, but the moment has come when I feel the need to address the imbalance I continually create for myself.
How do I correct these patterns? This need for approval that sometimes pulls me further away from myself?
I believe it begins (as with correcting anything), with gaining a full understanding of what is at play.
I was so excited for the weekend yesterday. I had so many plans to get caught up on the things that had been left undone over the last few weeks that I was a bit overly optimistic about what I would be able to complete in the two days I had to cram it all in.
I woke up this morning (late) and as I walked outside to greet the day, I was met with an enormity of overwhelming defeat.
I looked around the yard, at all the projects left to tackle and I was lost as to where to start. Not to mention, I needed to fit in time to write and I didn’t know what to do first. Do I forgo the home projects to get caught up in my writing projects or should I address the yard first and write later.
At that moment, I seemed to hit a brick wall. The wall of defeat.
It crippled my inspiration and overpowered my motivation. For a moment, I just felt lost.
And then…
I found the clarity that helped it all make sense.
In the midst of my uncertainty, I found myself pushing some of the blame on my significant other.
It was only in my mind, but it made me realize that because I was feeling like something was lacking in my own plans, in the hope to find relief, I was starting to subconsciously place my desires on to him.
Realizing that was not fair in the slightest, I took a step back.
There is a strong sense of need surrounding what we desire and that tends to lead us to negative thoughts about what we are lacking.
Those negative thoughts, although clarifying, can sometimes lead to a whirlwind of unproductiveness in regards to the situation at hand.
Just because I have this desire that the yard be groomed and the garden flourishing, doesn’t mean it also needs to be the desire of those around me.
What I care about doesn’t have to be what everyone else cares about.
At that moment, I felt defeated and that’s okay.
What is not okay is to expect others to feel the same, just because you do.
My feelings are based on my own experiences and thus filtered through my own viewpoint of the world, and that will never be the same as anyone else.
It’s okay to feel defeated and even to allow ourselves to feel the negative emotion encompassed in that.
Why?
If you have been paying attention…you will know what I am going to say next.
Clarity!
In that moment, I was disappointed, and I began to spiral. But now, I find myself more centered. Armed with a better understanding of what steps I need to take next to find balance.
In review, the several hours of defeat I felt, has been overshadowed now by awareness.
It’s a beautiful thing!
We constantly notice what is absent in our current reality and focusing on the lack of it can feel overwhelming.
It’s okay.
Try to take a moment and search for clarity in what you are feeling. I promise there is a message there. It may take a moment to find it, depending on how deep in it you are, but it’s there.
Happy Friday! How is everyone feeling today? It’s been a long week for me, but I’m ending on a happy note! I am feeling more confident in my work and not so lost on what to do next.
See, everyone has times in their lives when they feel lost, me included! If you are feeling lost right now, no matter what it is you are facing, it’s okay. Maybe it’s time for you to take a step back for a moment and stop trying to figure it all out right now.
Sometimes not thinking about what direction to go will lead you where to go without you having to figure it out. Don’t discount your intuition, pay attention to what your inner being is trying to tell you. I battle with that all the time and it is usually when I stop trying to find the answers that the answers come.
Be easy on yourself. You don’t have to figure it all out right now!
Insane Roots 