It’s Okay To Feel Defeated

Day 22: It’s Okay To Feel Defeated

Feeling a little defeated today? Yeah, me too.

And the frustrating part of that is because I could see this coming. I knew I was manifesting this moment in time.

When I started this new job, I was extremely excited, but my point of attraction was on the worry about the loss of freedom that would happen as a result.

I was so used to doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it, that I knew being held to deadlines would result in losing a majority of that freedom.

If I didn’t have the work ethic I do, it wouldn’t be so much of a problem. I would put myself first and then worry about my work obligations.

Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on how you think of it) I don’t operate that way. Work has always been the first priority. Due to my upbringing and never really feeling like I belonged, instilled in me was this need to be accepted and approved of.

It is a blessing and a curse.

I will always do everything in my power to excel at my job, but I haven’t yet fine-tuned the ability to not leave myself by the wayside.

I’ve been struggling to find balance, a challenge I knew was coming, and that I believed I was ready for.

It’s been a delicate harmony up until now, but the moment has come when I feel the need to address the imbalance I continually create for myself.

How do I correct these patterns? This need for approval that sometimes pulls me further away from myself?

I believe it begins (as with correcting anything), with gaining a full understanding of what is at play.

I was so excited for the weekend yesterday. I had so many plans to get caught up on the things that had been left undone over the last few weeks that I was a bit overly optimistic about what I would be able to complete in the two days I had to cram it all in.

I woke up this morning (late) and as I walked outside to greet the day, I was met with an enormity of overwhelming defeat.

I looked around the yard, at all the projects left to tackle and I was lost as to where to start. Not to mention, I needed to fit in time to write and I didn’t know what to do first. Do I forgo the home projects to get caught up in my writing projects or should I address the yard first and write later.

At that moment, I seemed to hit a brick wall. The wall of defeat.

It crippled my inspiration and overpowered my motivation. For a moment, I just felt lost.

And then…

I found the clarity that helped it all make sense.

In the midst of my uncertainty, I found myself pushing some of the blame on my significant other.

It was only in my mind, but it made me realize that because I was feeling like something was lacking in my own plans, in the hope to find relief, I was starting to subconsciously place my desires on to him.

Realizing that was not fair in the slightest, I took a step back.

There is a strong sense of need surrounding what we desire and that tends to lead us to negative thoughts about what we are lacking.

Those negative thoughts, although clarifying, can sometimes lead to a whirlwind of unproductiveness in regards to the situation at hand.

Just because I have this desire that the yard be groomed and the garden flourishing, doesn’t mean it also needs to be the desire of those around me.

What I care about doesn’t have to be what everyone else cares about.

At that moment, I felt defeated and that’s okay.

What is not okay is to expect others to feel the same, just because you do.

My feelings are based on my own experiences and thus filtered through my own viewpoint of the world, and that will never be the same as anyone else.

It’s okay to feel defeated and even to allow ourselves to feel the negative emotion encompassed in that.

Why?

If you have been paying attention…you will know what I am going to say next.

Clarity!

In that moment, I was disappointed, and I began to spiral. But now, I find myself more centered. Armed with a better understanding of what steps I need to take next to find balance.

In review, the several hours of defeat I felt, has been overshadowed now by awareness.

It’s a beautiful thing!

We constantly notice what is absent in our current reality and focusing on the lack of it can feel overwhelming.

It’s okay.

Try to take a moment and search for clarity in what you are feeling. I promise there is a message there. It may take a moment to find it, depending on how deep in it you are, but it’s there.

Stay strong, go within.

Grow from this. 🙂 

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