The First of Many

In working on phase II in the Insane Roots memoir series, I have gone back and revisited some of the most devastating moments in my life. Some of which, were so damaging that I had almost completely blocked them out of my mind.

Breaking down the walls has been challenging to say the least, but it has also brought back a great deal of beautiful memories as well and reminded me of the many milestones that have had an extensive impact on who I am today.

As you can imagine, my journals as a teenager were centered mostly around boys & the fact that no one understood me. It’s hard not to laugh at myself, but it’s all about perspective and back then I had very little experience with life.

And for that reason, I don’t think I had a very good idea of what love really was back then either. Mostly because I realize now that I didn’t love myself and until that happens I am not sure you are really able to love someone else fully. It takes a lot to allow yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility that the object of your affection may not return the gaze. 

My past relationships were no cake walk, let me tell you!! With the exception of a very small handful of the men I have dated, the majority of them treated me like dirt.

They claimed to love me, but if they did, there would be no way in the world they would have behaved the way they did.

It wasn’t until well after high school that I can honestly say I felt real love and it was reciprocated at that! It was clear then that all those who had come before were merely practice for the real thing. And although that relationship didn’t work out as planned, it worked out the way it was supposed to. 

I was shattered for a while when we broke up, but I think anyone would be after having been with someone for as long as we were together. 

Eventually, I put myself back out into the dating pool again and well….Ya it didn’t pan out the best. So…almost 3 years ago, I  took myself back off the market (“closed for remodeling” as I called it). 

I knew there was something in me that I needed to repair before I was ready to get back out there again. I was clearly attracting the wrong type of men and allowing them to treat me like the ones in the past did.

Again, it was my own self worth standing in my way. I didn’t believe I deserved a different kind of relationship; one where the love goes both ways.

I also think that deep down, I am still battling with the feeling that perhaps I just don’t believe that anyone could actually love me. I mean all of me…right down to the crazy! 

I know that it’s silly, but even now there is a lump in my throat as I think about it. And it causes me to overthink everything…this constant state of worry that breeds unhealthy habits. 

Habits of self defeating behavior, the need for reassurance & fear. 

Sometimes I really am my worst enemy! 

I’m stopping that! 

From here on out, I am going to focus on the fact that I have someone with whom I love spending time with & perhaps it will grow into something more & perhaps it won’t. 

Maybe he’ll feel the same or maybe he won’t, but either way when I am with him I’m happy and for now that is enough. 

Overthinking where it’s going just leads to unnecessary pressure and a ton of needless worry! 

I’d rather be thankful than fearful, so that is just what I’m going to do!!

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Emotional Menstruation

We have all experienced it. You know…that moment of overwhelming emotion that brings you to your knees. There is nothing you can do, but let the levy break and ride out the wave.

Thankfully, these happen less and less for me now. Which is a great feat considering the intensity by which I feel.

For someone who spends the majority of their life hidden behind a mask of social acceptance, being vulnerable with someone is perhaps the most terrifying.

You grow accustomed to its ability to cloak your emotions, sturdy your walls and hold within the strangeness that is you.

It keeps you from being vulnerable or so you’d like to think.

It all works perfectly, until you find someone with the ability to see you and I mean really see you. When you are together, the rest of the world seems to fade away.

There is no fear in being vulnerable, because within these moments together, you have never felt more safe, more accepted, more true to yourself.

The state of my mind these last few weeks has been one that I had always assumed was no longer in the cards for me.

I am feeling things that are both exciting & terrifying all at the same time.

Sometimes, I feel like I have so much to say and not an ounce of the courage needed to say it. I am busting at the seams to dive in head first and never look back, but I am too afraid to take the leap.

Then other times, the magnitude of what I am feeling sends shivers down my spine and I am filled with the overwhelming fear that it won’t last and I will be left with yet another broken heart.

I am not sure I can do that again. I know I certainly don’t want to.

And what does all this lead to? …Yup! Emotional Menstruation.

I suppose its necessary sometimes, although not my preferred method of expression!

The worst of it is the fear.

Given my track record of misreading situations, I can’t seem to conquer the worry that the connection I am feeling is all in my head or worse, that it is real and they will change their mind.

After all, everyone else has.

 

Image courtesy of Carlos Porto at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Deliciousness of the Dark

It’s different now…the darkness.

In the past it didn’t matter.

I was never lonely.

Nothing to miss,

No presence I longed for,

No craving of a kiss.

But now…

It’s different.

I’m feeling an emptiness,

A longing,

A wish,

For you.

More than I ever wanted,

Your touch,

Oh the sweet sensation of your lips,

Lingering on my skin.

I’m lost love, 

In the midst of all that we could be.

I’m scared love,

So terrified of you. 

And so I back away,

This defense,

In which I always seem to find my way. 

These bricks of fear I mortar,

For surely, 

I could never be loved…

Not me,

Not by you.

It simply must…

Be too good to be true.

I haven’t yet, but I will.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how when we were younger and a guy we were dating treated us well, we would instantly no longer find him attractive. And the ones who treated us like dirt, we fell madly in love with.

I mean what rational person behaves like that? You are basically screwing yourself from the get go!

And then we wonder why all of our relationships fail?! Really?!

Does it really make sense that someone you were originally attracted to for being a jerk would all of the sudden become the thoughtful person you originally pushed away.

Having been that way most of my life, I realize now that any relationship I have ever been in was founded on unrealistic expectations. All of which were not communicated to the other person.

I came to this conclusion a few years ago when I was doing some major rehab on myself. And I swore that I would make a great effort moving forward to stop expecting and start enjoying.

I also made the decision to stay single until I learned to appreciate the value in it. I was a serial monogamist for years, jumping from one relationship to the next without taking the time in-between to evaluate where the previous one went wrong and what I needed to work on myself.

It was not fair to the person I was dating or to myself.

I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. The most important of which is that my happiness should never be considered the responsibility of another. That has always led to co-dependency and failure in my relationships.

I have also learned not to take things so personally. I mean let’s be honest, people don’t always say what they mean or they may in the moment, but in the light of day, everything changes.

I am a very strong willed and sometimes stubborn person. Partnered with my independence and the magnitude by which I feel, it can be a lot to handle. It always seems like a good idea in the beginning, but it is never very long before the opposite sex turns and runs in the other direction.

I used to internalize this as there being something wrong with me. Maybe I was just unlovable?!

It took a long time for me to realize that was simply not true.

I am not unlovable, I was just not meant to be loved by them.

And I know this now because I have been loved and I mean truly loved. For all my faults, through all my mistakes, unconditionally, I have been loved. It was a very long time ago, which is perhaps why for so long I forgot it was possible to find that again.

I haven’t yet, but I will.

And until then, I am content.

I know now that I am cut from a very different cloth. I am not the usual run of the mill gal and loving me is not a task for the weak.

I also know in my heart that behind the scenes, everything is falling into place.

There is nothing I need to do, when the time is right, I know our paths will cross. And it is important that they do not cross too early. Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself that had the timing been different, it could have been perfect. But for one reason or another, one or both of you were just not ready for the intensity of what you shared.

As I am growing and becoming more myself, I am sure that person is doing the same. Meeting now could mean preventing ourselves from lessons we are still meant to learn.

And besides, the main focus for me at this point in time is staying true to myself. Something that has been a challenge in the past when sharing my life with another.

After all, we are no good to anyone if we have not found a way to be comfortable in our own skin.

It was a rarity and a blessing back then to have found someone with whom I could walk that path. We were so young and our love so strong that nothing else mattered. And although we have both chosen to walk a different path, he will always be the one who gave me the courage to be myself.

Our love is different now and in many ways stronger. He is not a lover, nor would I want him to be or could he be. The story of how we came to this place is a long one and I am saving that for the pages of my next book, but let’s just say that he and I have the same taste… in men. 🙂

The last few months have been hard. I have struggled with the same feelings of inadequacy in love and after the most recent heart break, I really thought I would never feel unbroken.

But I do.

Now, I do.

I have been fortunate enough to find the strength to pick myself up (once again!) and move forward. I have been able to look back on the situation and see it for what it truly was…not meant to be.

He was the first person, I found comfort in after a very long stint of being alone. I could see his potential, but he could not. He was important to me, but I was not to him. And you know what? That is not his fault and it is not mine. My feelings for him changed, as I changed. He changed me.

That was more than a month ago now and I can honestly say that I have no ill feelings. He was doing the best he could with what he had at the time and that is all I could have expected from him.

As I said before, I know now that I am cut from a very different cloth and loving me is not a task for the weak.

I have been loved and I mean truly loved. For all my faults, through all my mistakes, unconditionally, I have been loved. It was a very long time ago, which is perhaps why for so long I forgot it was possible to find that again.

I haven’t yet, but I will.

And until then, I am content just being me.

I Am Among The Strange

As you all know, I have been struggling with how to begin writing the next installment of Insane Roots; my story. And it truly is my story.

This time, it is more than a collection of memories from my childhood woven together with emotion and neatly printed on a page.

That was merely the foundation for the person I am today. The things I have experienced do not define me. Sure, they had something to do with the end result, but we all feel heartbreak. That in itself is not unique.

The real story, is how I came to find myself along the way.

It is in the journey of discovering my inner strength.

I have felt broken more than a time or two in my life, but every time, I manage to find the courage to pick myself up and move forward. THAT defines me!

Sometimes I may only muster up enough to put on my mask long enough to get through the day, but the point is that I do it.

Over and over again, I do it.

On the inside, I may be falling apart, but to the rest of the world, I have it all together.

Telling that story, means baring my soul. It means, sharing my darkest secret.

The secret…that deep beneath the surface lies someone they will never understand.

She doesn’t think like you. She doesn’t love like you and most of all, she doesn’t understand you.

This person goes out into the world each day hidden behind a mask of social acceptance.

Sometimes it is the only thing that gets them to tomorrow.

And let me be clear, I am not talking about just putting on a happy face. My closest friends can see right through that!

It’s something more. Something only another person wearing one would understand (and I’ve only met one in my life).

I alluded to it once in a poem and it is perhaps the best explanation I can give to the reasoning behind wearing the mask.

For A Moment – Insane Roots 8.30.17 (excerpt)

“Sometimes I feel as though I was not meant for this world

But rather a lonely spectator

Watching in the shadows

As the lives of others pass me by

Perhaps in another time

Or another place

Somewhere between tomorrow and today

I am lost

wandering alone

among the mysteries of the universe

…”

To sum it up, it is the feeling of constantly searching for your place in a world that will never understand you.

You are different and that is all there is to it.

There comes a day when you realize that you are among the strange. Unique to the composition of your current reality.

The intensity by which you feel will frighten even the bravest of lovers. So you walk alone.

Knowing in your heart that no one is coming to save you. That job is entirely yours.

And maybe there is more to all of this.

Maybe I am lingering in the doorway to something beyond our current human constructs… or maybe it is simply that I was never meant to be understood.