Are You All In?

Does being single for too long make you more selfish? And is that wrong?

Does being in a relationship mean giving up your freedom? And shouldn’t it?

Or are all of these simply mental constructs we have learned over the years in accordance with nostalgic ideologies and values that have no place in today’s world?

I would argue that all these questions can be answered with…yes and no.

In other words, it just depends on those involved.

Before my current relationship, I had not been in a serious relationship in almost ten years.

When we first started dating, I would joke that I didn’t know what to do with him. 

But you see, I was only partly joking…

I got so comfortable with being alone or in most cases left behind that the idea of sharing my life with someone was both terrifying and exciting. Not only was I not used to factoring someone else into my decisions, but I didn’t really know what it felt like to have someone else factor me into theirs.

In most cases, in most relationships, if I am being honest with myself, I was always more of an after thought than a priority.

They hardly cared about me, let alone what I said or did. So, I just sort of floated through life with no regard for myself or understanding that it was okay to demand a certain level of respect from others.

Being with someone who genuinely cares for me as much as I do him is a bit of a shock to my programming. I have always felt like I wasn’t good enough; either I didn’t have the looks or perhaps I was just a bit too thick to be anything more than a passing fling. And I know that may sound childish, but one after another, the successive girlfriends of past lovers seemed to validate my insecurities.

And perhaps it didn’t help that my longest and most meaningful relationship prior was not one that most would consider of the ordinary variety.

We met when I was just a teenager. It was his first serious relationship and the first one in which I had ever truly felt loved. We were together for close to 9 years.

Neither one of us had any idea what we were doing, so we learned as we went. Or more accurately, we stumbled as we went really. And even in the end, we tried all we could do to make it work, because all that mattered to us is how much we loved one another.

For those of you who have been following along, you know that the man in question is the one I now fondly refer to as My Gay Husband. Ha, Ha! Clearly, we had one fatal incapability. The only solution to which was to separate and so we did.

But as painful as that was, it was the best thing for us both. We helped one another become the people we are today, confident in ourselves, in what we want and most importantly, how it feels to truly be loved.

Jealously was something, as you can imagine, we had to address very early into our relationship. The inner struggles he was dealing with in coming into himself, led us down a path of shall we say…being open.

Challenging at times, yes, but had I not experienced it, I wouldn’t know that it was something I could never be truly happy with. I learned what my values are and that what I needed from a partner was for them to be all in, full commitment and monogamy. In layman’s terms, I don’t like to share!

At the basis of it all, was that we knew that no matter what either one of us was doing or who they were doing it with, it would never diminish what we had or mean we loved one another any less. Emotionally convoluted at it’s best, it was how we stayed so solid throughout all the turmoil to come. When we came to the realization that staying together was no longer a healthy option for either of us, it was one of the hardest and greatest decisions we ever made. But even than, the above held true.

Parting ways allowed us both to align with who we were meant to be and to find new love with those better aligned with us. The dynamic has changed, but if anything, we are closer now than when we were together. He is and will always be my best friend.

How does all this relate to the questions above?

It is the reason I’ve stayed alone for so long. The basis of why I’ve found it so difficult to be vulnerable with another person.

I think a part of me assumed that no one could ever love me as much as him, not despite my imperfections or the tragic experiences of my past, but because of them.

And as with many things, I was wrong.

It is still hard to believe, but after all that time of painfully waiting, my patience has finally paid off.

It has been a bit of a mind melt for me to say the least. I went from a place of solitude and detachment to a place of security and unconditional love. I had been hurt so many times in the past, it was hard for me accept that there wasn’t something tragic waiting around the corner. I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be happy, to be loved again.

I made a few attempts at opening up in my long stint of being single, but each time, in there eyes, I wasn’t good enough…for them.

Some of you may remember my post a while back, Let’s Just Be Honest where I talked about how love can be blinding and the need for it crippling. Which is why it is so important to learn to love yourself above all else before you will ever be able to honestly and wholeheartedly love another.

I shared with you the two very important lessons I had learned in love, in the hopes that the hard truth would save someone else from settling or even worse, wasting their time chasing all the wrong people.

When the last two guys gave me the line about not wanting anything serious, I was too blind at the time to see that what they really meant was they didn’t want anything serious with me.

Something I later realized was the best choice they could have ever made for me and for them! They both found partners better suited for them and I found the love I had been searching for all this time.

As I said in the post, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow there would be nothing stopping them, nor you. I believed it to be true when I first wrote it, but now, I KNOW it to be true.

When we got together, regardless of our fears, we were both all in. There was no question that we wanted to be together and there was no stopping us from making that happen.

And isn’t that what love really is? To give yourself to someone fully and unconditionally, with all your heart. If either party is not in it for the long haul, what’s the point?

If you are not able to talk to your partner openly and honestly about what you are feeling, than it is only a matter of time before things begin to fall apart.

And that is how I know this is different. There is nothing I am not able to tell him, no problem we cannot face, no part of us we have to hide from one another.

We are in this together, all in and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Every day I am more and more thankful for the love, abundance and prosperity in my life. I could have never imagined what was in store for me and I couldn’t be more grateful for how it has all turned out.

 

 

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Tortured Moments

It’s much different than I recall,

The way I crave you.

As if loving you has become the only truth,

In a world we both struggle to find our place in.

With you,

I am no longer afraid.

For a moment,

I feel less hollow.

As I surrender to these dellusions,

That someday…

I just might be enough,

For you.

Those hands that once just made me quiver,

Hold much more power now.

But I suppose,

That is just my cross to bare.

Dripping with the darkness of this unrequited love,

And hidden away within the deepest caverns of my mind.

For I would suffer a thousand days of torture,

If it meant a chance of sharing just one more moment with you.

Let’s Just Be Honest

This may sound like a public service announcement and maybe it is a little…

You see, I sat in deep reflection last night, reviewing my life in great detail and as painful as it has been to embrace the cold hard facts, if it saves someone else from making the same mistakes (or less of them at least), than I guess it makes it easier to embrace them as lessons rather than failures.

Let me start by asking, how many of you have been in love? I mean truly/unconditionally in love with another person? And if you don’t know, than the answer is most likely NO. Cause, let me tell you, you’d know.

Now, I’ve had it twisted myself at times, but once you feel it, I mean really feel it, nothing else compares.

And that is not to say that every relationship I have been in has been with someone I was truly in love with either…that was part of the revelation.

In reviewing my many failed attempts at relationships, one thing became very clear: Either you feel it or you don’t, it’s that simple.

All this BS about timing or not being ready is just that, BS.

When I think about the one great love of my life, the timing was all wrong and neither of us were ready, but we didn’t care. All that mattered to us was being together.

Sure we had our share of disagreements, but at the end of the day, we never loved one another any less. Even to this day, there is never a question in my mind as to in-penetrable bond between us. Sure the dynamic of our relationship/friendship has changed over the years, but that is a story for another day, let’s just say we now share a common interest…MEN! 🙂

Anyway…I guess my point is that we all seem to make the search for love so much more difficult than it needs to be. We seem to find ourselves staying in relationships out of comfort, chasing all the wrong people or hanging on to a hope that someday it will all work out. And for what? Why?

The cold hard truth is that all the signs are usually right in front of us that it is not meant to be, but out of some need to be loved we keep chasing, we refuse to see them.

Let’s be honest, telling someone you are ‘just not that into them’ is a bit of an awkward conversation to have.

We think we are doing right by saying something like, “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I am just not looking for anything serious right now”.

It is a way of letting them down easy without completely breaking their heart.

Seems logical right?

In my opinion…it’s bullshit. Not all cases of ‘course, there are some exceptions to the rule, like people in rehab, or whatever, but for the rest of us…is that really what we mean or is it just a way for us not to feel bad about telling someone we don’t feel the same and we never will?

I have been on both sides of this and neither are pleasant. Obviously, the side of rejection being the worst.

What I am about to say may come across as a bit harsh, but life lessons usually are.

Love is blind and the need for it crippling. Which is why it is so important to learn to love yourself above all else.

You may be thinking that is easy for me to say, but remember, looks can be deceiving. I too harbor my own special set of demons.

The path in conquering them has led me here, hopefully to impart some of the wisdom gained by my experiences to save someone else from making the same mistakes.

Okay, so like I said above…Rule #1 and the most important of them all! -Learn how to love yourself.

And I don’t mean every second of every day…(do people like that even exist?), but you need to get to a point where your happiness does not depend on someone else. 

I think this is the biggest issue in relationships. There is this idea perpetuated in society that we need to find someone to complete us, or more insultingly save us. As a result we begin searching for this other half before we have even begun to understand who we are or what true love really is.

That is an awful lot of pressure to put on someone; your happiness. Not to mention it is an impossible task for anyone but yourself, so we are setting them up to disappoint us from the very beginning. Which they do, because they can’t help not to and this continues to happen over and over again until the entire relationship unravels.

Ask me how I know? 🙂

My New Year’s resolution in 2015 was not only to learn to love myself, but to find myself. After all, it is hard to love someone you don’t really know! And so the journey began. I started a new blog (check out the 1st post here), moved to a new city and set the course for massive change.

It took almost two years, but by the start of 2017, I could confidently say I know who I am, what I want, and most importantly, what I am worth! And for anyone who battles with depression, you know just how big of an accomplishment that was.

I finally felt ready to give dating another try. It didn’t pan out as you know, but I learned two more very important lessons.

1. No matter how much you grow as a person or how much you love yourself, being vulnerable with someone will always hold the potential of pain, but it also holds the possibility of finding what is truly meant to be. Tomorrow is not promised and if we never try, we will never know.

2. True love knows nothing of time. It will not wait for you to be ready or the timing to be right. Genuine, unconditional love between two destined souls has one goal and one goal alone…Unity.  You will not have to search for it, you will not have to chase it and you will not have to question it. If you are doing any of those three things, it is not meant to be.

I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom. I hope they give you the courage to continue fighting and save you a bit of heartbreak along the way.

Please do yourself a favor, don’t wait. Don’t be afraid to try your hand at love. You may lose it all in the end, but then again it may be the best decision you ever made. Wouldn’t it be better to know?

And the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious, remind yourself of what I have said.

And please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you?….Exactly.

Remember that.

Don’t hang on to the possibility that one day they will change their mind and if you just hold on long enough, you will be the one they choose.

Go live your life, they are. As much as it hurts, not everyone you love is going to love you back in the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s nothing you can change.

It either is or it isn’t…that is all there is to it.

Don’t waste your time chasing the wrong person, you might end up over looking the right one 🙂

Painfully Mistaken

I once found comfort in these memories of you.

The way they crept in gently through my cracks.

At the start of every day,

And the end of every night.

If I had only known they would be my undoing.

The final wave that would capsize my heart.

My grand finale in the wars of love.

 

Everything is different now, damaged.

Tainted by the knowledge that none of it was real.

 

Your eyes once held the beauty of a broken shade of blue,

Shining light through the empty caverns of my soul.

Awakening, what I thought was love.

 

A shared understanding of a world we both struggled to find our place in.

A battle that somehow seemed worth fighting again.

 

But that was then and this is now.

Everything is different; damaged.

Tainted by the knowledge that none of it was real.

 

The words you spoke to spare my tears,

Only left me feeling foolish.

To think I would be so naive as to believe,

That perhaps they held the truth.

 

And just maybe, this wasn’t like before.

 

But then I am reminded,

Love is timeless.

And the pure of heart know no bounds.

Had it all been true,

There would have been no stopping you.

 

And so…

Reminiscence holds no comfort now,

The way these thoughts of you creep brutally through my cracks.

At the start of every day,

And the end of every night.

Believing in you, my undoing.

 

Point Taken

It amazes me just how cruel people can be sometimes. And in some cases for no apparent reason at all.

Last night, someone I called a friend, severed the last thread remaining of our ever fleeting friendship.

Hurtful doesn’t even begin to describe his bullshit.

I mean really, does it make him feel like a bigger man to pray on the wounded?

I’m already broken asshole and much of it was thanks to the you of yesterday.

It must be so easy for you, always aiming at the same target.

Relying on my good nature to always take you back.

But that was then and this is now and in the end none of it really matters anyway.

So if you were trying to make a point, point taken.

If you were trying to put out the flames, consider them extinguished.

And as for me?

Well you got what you wanted.

Consider me gone.