Tortured Moments

It’s much different than I recall,

The way I crave you.

As if loving you has become the only truth,

In a world we both struggle to find our place in.

With you,

I am no longer afraid.

For a moment,

I feel less hollow.

As I surrender to these dellusions,

That someday…

I just might be enough,

For you.

Those hands that once just made me quiver,

Hold much more power now.

But I suppose,

That is just my cross to bare.

Dripping with the darkness of this unrequited love,

And hidden away within the deepest caverns of my mind.

For I would suffer a thousand days of torture,

If it meant a chance of sharing just one more moment with you.


Let’s Just Be Honest

This may sound like a public service announcement and maybe it is a little…

You see, I sat in deep reflection last night, reviewing my life in great detail and as painful as it has been to embrace the cold hard facts, if it saves someone else from making the same mistakes (or less of them at least), than I guess it makes it easier to embrace them as lessons rather than failures.

Let me start by asking, how many of you have been in love? I mean truly/unconditionally in love with another person? And if you don’t know, than the answer is most likely NO. Cause, let me tell you, you’d know.

Now, I’ve had it twisted myself at times, but once you feel it, I mean really feel it, nothing else compares.

And that is not to say that every relationship I have been in has been with someone I was truly in love with either…that was part of the revelation.

In reviewing my many failed attempts at relationships, one thing became very clear: Either you feel it or you don’t, it’s that simple.

All this BS about timing or not being ready is just that, BS.

When I think about the one great love of my life, the timing was all wrong and neither of us were ready, but we didn’t care. All that mattered to us was being together.

Sure we had our share of disagreements, but at the end of the day, we never loved one another any less. Even to this day, there is never a question in my mind as to in-penetrable bond between us. Sure the dynamic of our relationship/friendship has changed over the years, but that is a story for another day, let’s just say we now share a common interest…MEN! 🙂

Anyway…I guess my point is that we all seem to make the search for love so much more difficult than it needs to be. We seem to find ourselves staying in relationships out of comfort, chasing all the wrong people or hanging on to a hope that someday it will all work out. And for what? Why?

The cold hard truth is that all the signs are usually right in front of us that it is not meant to be, but out of some need to be loved we keep chasing, we refuse to see them.

Let’s be honest, telling someone you are ‘just not that into them’ is a bit of an awkward conversation to have.

We think we are doing right by saying something like, “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I am just not looking for anything serious right now”.

It is a way of letting them down easy without completely breaking their heart.

Seems logical right?

In my opinion…it’s bullshit. Not all cases of ‘course, there are some exceptions to the rule, like people in rehab, or whatever, but for the rest of us…is that really what we mean or is it just a way for us not to feel bad about telling someone we don’t feel the same and we never will?

I have been on both sides of this and neither are pleasant. Obviously, the side of rejection being the worst.

What I am about to say may come across as a bit harsh, but life lessons usually are.

Love is blind and the need for it crippling. Which is why it is so important to learn to love yourself above all else.

You may be thinking that is easy for me to say, but remember, looks can be deceiving. I too harbor my own special set of demons.

The path in conquering them has led me here, hopefully to impart some of the wisdom gained by my experiences to save someone else from making the same mistakes.

Okay, so like I said above…Rule #1 and the most important of them all! -Learn how to love yourself.

And I don’t mean every second of every day…(do people like that even exist?), but you need to get to a point where your happiness does not depend on someone else. 

I think this is the biggest issue in relationships. There is this idea perpetuated in society that we need to find someone to complete us, or more insultingly save us. As a result we begin searching for this other half before we have even begun to understand who we are or what true love really is.

That is an awful lot of pressure to put on someone; your happiness. Not to mention it is an impossible task for anyone but yourself, so we are setting them up to disappoint us from the very beginning. Which they do, because they can’t help not to and this continues to happen over and over again until the entire relationship unravels.

Ask me how I know? 🙂

My New Year’s resolution in 2015 was not only to learn to love myself, but to find myself. After all, it is hard to love someone you don’t really know! And so the journey began. I started a new blog (check out the 1st post here), moved to a new city and set the course for massive change.

It took almost two years, but by the start of 2017, I could confidently say I know who I am, what I want, and most importantly, what I am worth! And for anyone who battles with depression, you know just how big of an accomplishment that was.

I finally felt ready to give dating another try. It didn’t pan out as you know, but I learned two more very important lessons.

1. No matter how much you grow as a person or how much you love yourself, being vulnerable with someone will always hold the potential of pain, but it also holds the possibility of finding what is truly meant to be. Tomorrow is not promised and if we never try, we will never know.

2. True love knows nothing of time. It will not wait for you to be ready or the timing to be right. Genuine, unconditional love between two destined souls has one goal and one goal alone…Unity.  You will not have to search for it, you will not have to chase it and you will not have to question it. If you are doing any of those three things, it is not meant to be.

I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom. I hope they give you the courage to continue fighting and save you a bit of heartbreak along the way.

Please do yourself a favor, don’t wait. Don’t be afraid to try your hand at love. You may lose it all in the end, but then again it may be the best decision you ever made. Wouldn’t it be better to know?

And the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious, remind yourself of what I have said.

And please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you?….Exactly.

Remember that.

Don’t hang on to the possibility that one day they will change their mind and if you just hold on long enough, you will be the one they choose.

Go live your life, they are. As much as it hurts, not everyone you love is going to love you back in the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s nothing you can change.

It either is or it isn’t…that is all there is to it.

Don’t waste your time chasing the wrong person, you might end up over looking the right one 🙂

Painfully Mistaken

I once found comfort in these memories of you.

The way they crept in gently through my cracks.

At the start of every day,

And the end of every night.

If I had only known they would be my undoing.

The final wave that would capsize my heart.

My grand finale in the wars of love.


Everything is different now, damaged.

Tainted by the knowledge that none of it was real.


Your eyes once held the beauty of a broken shade of blue,

Shining light through the empty caverns of my soul.

Awakening, what I thought was love.


A shared understanding of a world we both struggled to find our place in.

A battle that somehow seemed worth fighting again.


But that was then and this is now.

Everything is different; damaged.

Tainted by the knowledge that none of it was real.


The words you spoke to spare my tears,

Only left me feeling foolish.

To think I would be so naive as to believe,

That perhaps they held the truth.


And just maybe, this wasn’t like before.


But then I am reminded,

Love is timeless.

And the pure of heart know no bounds.

Had it all been true,

There would have been no stopping you.


And so…

Reminiscence holds no comfort now,

The way these thoughts of you creep brutally through my cracks.

At the start of every day,

And the end of every night.

Believing in you, my undoing.


Point Taken

It amazes me just how cruel people can be sometimes. And in some cases for no apparent reason at all.

Last night, someone I called a friend, severed the last thread remaining of our ever fleeting friendship.

Hurtful doesn’t even begin to describe his bullshit.

I mean really, does it make him feel like a bigger man to pray on the wounded?

I’m already broken asshole and much of it was thanks to the you of yesterday.

It must be so easy for you, always aiming at the same target.

Relying on my good nature to always take you back.

But that was then and this is now and in the end none of it really matters anyway.

So if you were trying to make a point, point taken.

If you were trying to put out the flames, consider them extinguished.

And as for me?

Well you got what you wanted.

Consider me gone.

Dust on a Shelf

I think I may be getting stranger by the day.

And I seem to care less and less about the opinions of others as the days go on.

My edges are growing jagged and my heart growing cold.

Am I turning into a narcissist or is it just that I am settling into the sociopath I was always meant to be?

Either way, I feel lighter and more in control of the world around me.

I have spent so much of my life as a marter, a people pleaser, and where has it lead me?

Sure it is to the benefit of everyone else in my life, but in the end would they do the same for me? – Some…yes, but for most, I am just a convenient doormat on which to wipe their feet when life gets them down or they are needing a bit of validation.

And then, after I have served my purpose of stroking their ego or providing comfort in their hour of need, they put me back on the shelf where I will sit and collect dust until I am needed once again.

I know being reliable is a good trait to have, but I don’t think I can be that person any more. Nor do I want to be that person anymore.

It is unfulfilling, exhausting and honestly a waste of the talents I now have the confidence to embrace.

And what’s so wrong with being a little selfish sometimes?!

Selfish people know what they want and are not afraid to ask for it. Isn’t that what most of us are struggling to figure out in this life? Does it really make you a narcissist or a sociopath just because you are not afraid to put yourself first?

And besides, who says being a sociopath is such a bad thing.

Oh ya… those whose definitions are skewed by the constructs of modern medicine and societal stigmas.

Contrary to what you’ve heard, not all sociopaths are psychopaths. Even though much of the psychology field uses the term synonymously.

They are not all completely without empathy and/or remorse as many of their defining traits would have you believe.

It is simply that they don’t express such emotions in the way most people do.

Sociopaths view the world much differently than the mass population and in my personal opinion, in many cases, their view point is one that has evolved to a place of more rational, individual, intelligent thought.

They hold no desire to fit in, to follow the herd or to live the life that has been laid out for them.

Instead, they chose to pave their own way and live the life they desire and say the hell with everyone else and their opinions.

Seems to me like a rather freeing existence.

And why this sudden revelation you ask?

Because for once in my life, I know what it feels like to be appreciated, valued for the person I truly am and not just for what I do for others.

There was a time in my life when I was afraid to stand up for myself or even speak my mind for that matter.

Looking back, I allowed myself to feel such misery. All because I was worried about losing someone.

Well you know what?

All those people I compromised myself for and even the one that I didn’t, left me behind anyway.  The knowledge that I would always be around made it easy for them to brush me aside until they needed something from me once again.

After my last broken heart, something snapped inside me. I realized that all the pain I was feeling, I brought on myself by once again being too available to someone who merely needed me for the moment. Now that the moment has passed he is no longer in need of my comfort, he never gives me a second thought or any thought for that matter.

I realized, I was broken inside, but he wasn’t.

I loved him so much that I never stopped to ask myself if he ever really felt the same about me. If only,  I would have realized sooner that I was merely a comfort to a friend and nothing more, then maybe I could have avoided all those sleepless nights.

It was in this moment of revelation when everything changed.

I am tired of sitting on a shelf waiting to be needed and I am not going to do it anymore.

I am putting myself first for once and moving on with my life.

When the same people reach out to me for sympathy, validation or assistance, they may be quite surprised to find that I am no longer there.

They can blame all those who have come before them and drained the very essence of my being, but it will make no difference.

All I ever wanted was to love and be loved in return, but I wasted that love on all the wrong people and now I fear I have nothing more to give.

So, from here on out, I shall put myself on the pedestal I reserve for everyone else.

This is my time to be selfish, to find the joy I have allowed so many others to take away.

I no longer crave feelings of love and acceptance from anyone but myself.

I am worth so much more than how I have been treated and it is time to take back my life and discover the person I have never had the courage to be.