You Matter

There are only a handful of people in my life that I have truly opened up to. And if you are one of those people, you know how hard that is for me to do.

The two things that hurt me the most are being lied to and being disregarded/dismissed. More so, when the build up of false hope and greatness proceeds being left behind.

From a very young age, I was made to feel as though I didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, to the one person who held my whole world in their hands. She walked away from me as if I never meant anything to her and as a result, I find it extremely hard to believe that I really could matter to anyone the way they matter to me.

I am not saying that is true, in fact I know  in my mind that it is not, but my heart is another story.

With every new friendship/relationship, I am constantly on guard. Waiting for the day they decide to walk away or hurt me in some way. For anyone who understands the law of attraction, you can clearly see how I am bringing this all on myself.

There in itself lies the challenge.

There is this emptiness, this worry, in my mind that never seems to go away. There is this constant state of fear that resides in the pit of my stomach. And with every failed friendship/relationship it grows larger.

And it is not so much an issue of self esteem or confidence, although I am sure many would argue as such. I know I am a person of value. I am aware of all my good (and bad) qualities and I am proud of the person I am today. So I can assure you there is something different at play here.

It is instead and inability to trust that the intentions of others are honorable.

And I am not talking about trust as in cheating, I have never really been the jealous kind and besides I am not just talking about relationships, I am talking about friendships too.

In the time I have been on this earth, I have encountered so many people who claimed to care for me dearly. Those who promised they would always be there and most of them are not here today. And many I would find out later were not the people I thought they were to begin with.

Two great examples can be found here.

Situations like these have arisen over and over again. It is a wonder I can still find the courage to open up at all.

I guess maybe somewhere down deep inside, hidden behind the emptiness in my heart is a hope for something more from this life and the people I share it with. A hope that drives the courage to face another day.

Perhaps it is what gives me the strength to keep moving forward, when all I want to do is run away and hide from a world that has proved to be so cruel.

One that dangles happiness on a string only to pull it away just before you grasp it.

Eventually, there comes a day, much like today, when frustration & exhaustion drive you to anger. And for me anger has always been the path to moving forward.

For in anger, there are no feelings of unworthiness, but rather that of animosity; resentment from ever being made to feel that way in the first place.

 

For those of you that have stuck around for all these years, stayed true to your word and accepted me unconditionally, thank you is simply not enough.

If it was not for you, I would hold no hope for the hearts of men.

Truth would seem like a fairy tale and love…well…I am not sure I’d know what that was.

And for those of you who have left me on the shelf, assuming that I would always be there…how foolish of you. I hold no desire to be part of your collection, nor will I tell you when I decide to walk away, but I assure you, I will.

In the end it is your loss I suppose, but I wonder if there will ever be a day when you hold remorse for the damage you inflicted on an already wounded heart.

A heart that was meant to be treasured, but instead, was treated like just a random acquaintance or notch in your belt.

This life is too short for any of us to spend our time wasted on those who do not see our worth.

Actions speak louder than words and words are not actions…pretty sure someone famous said that! 🙂

We tend to get caught up in the declarations & promises of others, but those are just words and if not followed up with actions then they literally mean nothing.

And with every disappointment lies a lesson, usually one of personal growth. Therefore, there is no other direction but forward and sometimes the only way forward is through forgiveness and reflection.

Both of which are not always easy, but they are necessary in order to begin telling a new story!

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What if we don’t have to be broken?

I think one of the most difficult parts of growing up is finding the strength to pull the skeletons from your closet. It would seem so much easier to hide them away forever and leave the past in the past, but in everything we have done that we are not proud of, there is a little piece of ourselves hidden among the ashes.

I hear a lot of people say they are broken. I have even said it myself in the past.

What if we don’t have to be broken?

What if there was a way to put ourselves back together?

When I first started writing my memoir, I remember it being very painful at times. Revisiting memories that I had selectively forgotten in order to save my own sanity.

As soon as I opened the door to my childhood, they all came rushing out and the wall of security I had built began tumbling down out around me.

It was from within one of the lowest moments of my life that I found my greatest strength.

One by one, I confronted all the residual emotional patterns that I had built up during those years.

The feelings of disappointment, neglect, abandonment, and loss.

The root of my constant need for approval and codependency.

My fear of love or the loss there of.

Piece by piece, I began putting myself back together.

Until I came to a place of great appreciation for all that I had experienced.

I was a new person the day I finished the first chapter and even more so as I wrote the final page.

And now, as I struggle with the pages of the 2nd, I am reminded of the same reluctance I felt when I wrote my very first blog post.

I know writing this next phase of my story will be just as, if not more of an emotional roller coaster than that last.

The first was during my early childhood and most of it was about my mother and her skeletons. There was aftermath, but it was her aftermath.

This next book will begin as I am entering High school, my mother having  been missing for just short of a year. I was lost and confused, but determined to act like neither of those were true. I don’t even know that girl now.

I picked up one of my old journals for inspiration and I barely got through the first few pages before I had to put it down. I could feel the pain on those pages and worse yet, I knew what was to come.

The moment my mother left me, something in me changed. Something it took years of reflection to understand. I spent a great deal of my life beyond that point feeling as though I always had to prove something to someone. In the earlier years it was proving to everyone else that I was not my mother. Showing them that I could conquer anything and everything she couldn’t.

Needless to say, it led me down a road where I did a lot of things I am not necessarily proud of. Things…the majority of the people in my life have no idea I did and for that matter would have a hard time believing I ever could do.

Up until now, I was not ready to share these things with anyone, let alone the whole world.

But you know what?

The person I am today is not just the result of all of the good things I have done. It is also and maybe more so, everything I have done that I am not proud of, those little piece of myself hidden among the ashes.

I am living proof that in this life, we are not bound by the mistakes of our past or the circumstances placed on us by others.

If telling my story is an inspiration to even just one, it’s worth it. That was the whole reason I started this blog and went on to write the book. So believe me when I say, I am not going to quit now, just because I hit a raw moment!

Thank you to everyone who has been so patient, yet persistent 🙂 in kicking my butt back in gear!

The wheels have started turning and I promise you’ll be the first ones to get a sneak peek!

 

The Road I Took The Day She Left…

I have been dabbling with writing the second book in the Insane Roots series, but I had not harmonized with it until just recently. Once you have put yourself out there, you would think it would be easy to do it again. In my case, it’s not.

~ Spoiler Alert!~ (discussing book two)

At the end of Insane Roots: The Adventures of a Con-Artist and Her Daughter, my mother left me. I was entering high-school, a time when any teen would be dealing with the normal insecurities that come with those years and on top of it, I had absolutely no idea where my mother was. Immersed in the lies she told me, still having trouble separating truth from fiction. I was living with my grandparents, people my mother had told me horrid stories about and up until this moment I had little doubt they were true. There are a lot of things that will go in the pages of the next book that I am not entirely proud of. Many times where I acted foolishly. I say I am not proud of them and that is true, but I believe sharing them with my readers is very important to fully express my journey to overcome. We all make mistakes and it is not until we have a chance to reflect upon them that we are really able to understand the impact they had on forming the person we are now.

The beginning of my story as laid out in Insane Roots, was more the story of how my mother’s actions influenced me in those very early years of my childhood. What comes next is truly my story. Leading up to this point, my mother had a great deal of influence on me, but then she just left. With no explanation and very little warning.

The person I became has such deep roots in those moments just after she left. The road I took the day she left has led me in so many directions. Some were good and some not so good. But in the end, I would not be who I am had it been any different.

Looking back on those years when she was gone and then again when she reappeared was a rabbit hole of self exploration. I learned patterns of behavior in myself and most importantly discovered the many triggers that induced those patterns. I realize now that a part of me was trying to prove something to everyone and the other part of me was beginning to follow in my mother’s emotional footsteps. It was a constant battle between good and evil in my own mind.

After reading my memoir, the most common phrase from readers is “It’s a wonder you turned out so well”. This next book is the story of how that happened. Now that readers have been given my insane roots, it is time to share the story of how those roots gave life to the woman you all know today.

Let’s just put it this way. I was not always so put together and the journey to this moment has been one hell of a ride!

Are You Conscious?

Are you conscious?

Think about that before you answer…

Now let me ask you again.

Are you conscious?

Many of you may think this is a silly question. Of ‘course you are conscious, you are reading this post right now, but that is not the consciousness I am referring to.

I am not referring to being awake, I am referring to being aware.

Are you aware of your actions, your words, your intent?

Are you aware of the impact you have on those around you and yourself?

Do you think before you act, before you speak?

I am not sure if I really understood the gravity of this question until just recently when the actions of the unconscious caused me great pain.

A pain I had not felt in many years that cut to my core just like it was yesterday.

Disappointment is something I am all too familiar with. It is a feeling I thought I had mastered, but apparently not.

It appears that there was at least one more lesson for me to learn on the subject.

I realize now that in some cases, I bring this disappointment on myself by building up expectations in my head.

I can not and should not expect others to feel as strongly as I do about certain things. Nor should I expect them to behave in a way I feel is appropriate.

Some have called me an Empath and after researching the term, I am fairly certain that may be true. I seem to feel things to my core. Which is why the actions and words of others can have a great impact on me.

I think before I act and before I speak because I am conscious. Words have great power and I choose to use this power for good rather than acting on impulse and risk hurting those around me.

Sure, happiness is an inside job, but I don’t want to be the reason someone has to go to work!

Life is all about choice and I choose to focus on the strengths of others rather than their weaknesses. In my opinion, pointing out the flaws of others or expressing my disagreement with their decisions (unless they directly caused me pain) is not productive or necessary.

I would rather lift people up than bring them down. What would be the use in that? It surely cannot add anything positive to their lives or mine.

I don’t believe we are hear to judge. My path is my path and your path is yours. Who am I to tell you you took a wrong turn? Maybe for you, it is the right turn and maybe, just maybe there is a reason why you decided to journey in the direction you did. A reason that I just wouldn’t understand, because I am not you and I am not meant to live your life. I am meant to live my own.

 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today I Make My Own Reality!

In my post last week, This Too Shall Pass, I had found myself stunted by the stress of all that was around me. I battled with old feelings of inadequacy and the loss of control. Although I was able to snap myself out of it, the days that followed proved to be quite a challenge.

Due to some massive cut backs at work, I found myself in a state of overwhelming worry. So much so that the stress of being overworked began to seep into my personal life.

I have been here before, I knew where that path would lead and I was not having it.

I have come too far to go backwards!

So this morning, I vowed to myself to take control of my own reality. I laid in bed and visualized all that I wanted today. I asked for inspiration, direction and powerful positive thinking to guide me through the day and help me to get back on track.

After this declaration, I stepped out of bed with gratitude in knowing I have the power to make this much-needed change in my attitude.

Abraham Hicks tells us that we must become deliberate creators of our own reality in order to achieve all that we are wanting. Our output each day must be positive if we hope to attract the same. For the last two weeks, I have been putting out more negative than positive and the result has been a flood of negative circumstances. One bad thing after another showed its ugly head until I began expecting more bad things to happen. And you know what? They did.

I am ashamed to admit that I let the ill effects of last week shake my faith. I pulled away from the path I had struggled so long to find, but it ends  here.

I have faith and trust that everything will work out as it should and I refuse to give control of my happiness away any longer. I know now that many of the feelings that reared their ugly head last week were feelings I had been choosing to disregard. I thought that as long as I stayed positive they would all just disappear somehow, but that is not how it works.

Whether consciously or unconsciously, these feelings were appearing in my life for a reason. It was time to work through them and let it all go to make room for what is to come.

Over the last few weeks, I have been having very similar dreams each night. They were like a compilation of past moments in my life when I felt out of control, depressed and inadequate. Times in the past that it was time to let go of. Mistakes that it was time to forgive myself for and move on from.

I can’t help but believe that these dreams were an unconscious way of forcing myself to take the next step. It is time to put the past in the past and enjoy the journey that is yet to come.