It’s different now…the darkness.
In the past it didn’t matter.
I was never lonely.
Nothing to miss,
No presence I longed for,
No craving of a kiss.
I’m feeling an emptiness,
More than I ever wanted,
Oh the sweet sensation of your lips,
Lingering on my skin.
I’m lost love,
In the midst of all that we could be.
I’m scared love,
So terrified of you.
And so I back away,
In which I always seem to find my way.
These bricks of fear I mortar,
I could never be loved…
Not by you.
It simply must…
Be too good to be true.
The sadness comes in waves sometimes, breaking me before I even know it’s there.
It is not its presence that is off putting, but rather the crippling unknown source of the pain.
This mask is beginning to shows its age now and some days the light shines through.
Exposing the vulnerability of a wounded soul.
It is odd, how feelings of joy can welcome this pain.
As if to remind me, that everything fades.
And the greater the love, the deeper the loss.
I guess I have grown accustomed to the emptiness.
That dark cloud looming over my existence.
On the outside, I appear not to be damaged, but on the inside I am falling apart.
Or at least I always was.
It is unfamiliar and perhaps the root of this struggle.
For lately, I find myself less broken.
A peculiar state of mind for a member of the strange.
The uncomfortable knowing that you have been discovered.
And embraced even still.
Image courtesy of hyena reality at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Sometimes I feel as though I was not meant for this world
But rather a lonely spectator
Watching in the shadows
As the lives of others pass me by
Perhaps in another time
Or another place
Somewhere between tomorrow and today
I am lost
among the mysteries of the universe
For a moment today
It felt like home
The way my name
Rolled gently from his lips
My knees quivering
My heart pounding in my chest
I wanted to tell him then
How I craved his skin
That feeling of passion
I only felt with him
For a moment
I felt as though I belonged
And just like that
It was gone
Every morning before I open my eyes, I wonder if this will be the day.
The day when I no longer have to fight to be strong, save face and pretend that everything is okay.
The day when I say everything is great and I actually mean it.
A day when my heart is no longer broken and the idea of love no longer makes me sick to my stomach.
A day when the memories of almost lovers no longer circle my mind
Leaving me wondering if I will ever get it right.
And for that matter if any of this is really even worth it.
Every day is a struggle
This internal battle between what I want and what is right.
So I take a deep breath and hold on to the prospect of a new beginning.
As my feet touch the floor, I can feel the heaviness begin to abound.
Creeping slowly through my veins like the venom of a snake
Tears of loneliness bubble to the surface
As I gaze in the mirror at the broken girl on the other side.
You are strong I tell her, you are powerful, intelligent, and beautiful.
And with a smile, I grasp ever so tightly to the peaceful hope that if I can just make it through one more day…
That maybe tomorrow everything really will be okay.
I no longer fear the impending storms of change
The intensity of lightning at my feet
And flooding rains of uncertainty
I find comfort in their power
And solace in the unknown
For without adjustment
My soul would never grow
Leaving a resolve to simply stay the same
Absent of excitement
A great reasoning
To step wholeheartedly
Into the unknown
Welcoming the winds of transformation
And all that I have yet to experience
There is great beauty in the ruckus
That comes only
From the ever changing power
Of the storm