The Deliciousness of the Dark

It’s different now…the darkness.

In the past it didn’t matter.

I was never lonely.

Nothing to miss,

No presence I longed for,

No craving of a kiss.

But now…

It’s different.

I’m feeling an emptiness,

A longing,

A wish,

For you.

More than I ever wanted,

Your touch,

Oh the sweet sensation of your lips,

Lingering on my skin.

I’m lost love, 

In the midst of all that we could be.

I’m scared love,

So terrified of you. 

And so I back away,

This defense,

In which I always seem to find my way. 

These bricks of fear I mortar,

For surely, 

I could never be loved…

Not me,

Not by you.

It simply must…

Be too good to be true.

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Outside Looking In

The sadness comes in waves sometimes, breaking me before I even know it’s there.

It is not its presence that is off putting, but rather the crippling unknown source of the pain.

This mask is beginning to shows its age now and some days the light shines through.

Exposing the vulnerability of a wounded soul.

It is odd, how feelings of joy can welcome this pain.

As if to remind me, that everything fades.

And the greater the love, the deeper the loss.

I guess I have grown accustomed to the emptiness.

That dark cloud looming over my existence.

On the outside, I appear not to be damaged, but on the inside I am falling apart.

Or at least I always was.

It is unfamiliar and perhaps the root of this struggle.

For lately, I find myself less broken.

A peculiar state of mind for a member of the strange.

The uncomfortable knowing that you have been discovered.

And embraced even still.

 

Image courtesy of hyena reality at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For A Moment

Sometimes I feel as though I was not meant for this world

But rather a lonely spectator

Watching in the shadows 

As the lives of others pass me by

Perhaps in another time

Or another place

Somewhere between tomorrow and today

I am lost

wandering alone 

among the mysteries of the universe

For a moment today

It felt like home

His touch

His voice

The way my name 

Rolled gently from his lips

My knees quivering

My heart pounding in my chest

I wanted to tell him then

How I craved his skin

That feeling of passion

I only felt with him

 For a moment 

I felt as though I belonged

And just like that

It was gone 

Maybe Today

Every morning before I open my eyes, I wonder if this will be the day.

The day when I no longer have to fight to be strong, save face and pretend that everything is okay.

The day when I say everything is great and I actually mean it.

A day when my heart is no longer broken and the idea of love no longer makes me sick to my stomach.

A day when the memories of almost lovers no longer circle my mind

Leaving me wondering if I will ever get it right.

And for that matter if any of this is really even worth it.

Every day is a struggle

This internal battle between what I want and what is right.

So I take a deep breath and hold on to the prospect of a new beginning.

As my feet touch the floor, I can feel the heaviness begin to abound.

Creeping slowly through my veins like the venom of a snake

Tears of loneliness bubble to the surface

As I gaze in the mirror at the broken girl on the other side.

You are strong I tell her, you are powerful, intelligent, and beautiful.

And with a smile, I grasp ever so tightly to the peaceful hope that if I can just make it through one more day…

That maybe tomorrow everything really will be okay.

 

Winds of Change

I no longer fear the impending storms of change 

The intensity of lightning at my feet

And flooding rains of uncertainty

I find comfort in their power

And solace in the unknown

For without adjustment

My soul would never grow

Leaving a resolve to simply stay the same

Absent of excitement

Stagnant 

Dormant

And unfulfilled

A great reasoning 

To step wholeheartedly

Into the unknown

Welcoming the winds of transformation

Inner growth

And all that I have yet to experience

There is great beauty in the ruckus

That comes only

From the ever changing power

Of the storm