A New Reason to Smile

Like I said the other day, I think we forget sometimes, just how much power we have in creating the life we desire. Sure, there are a million things we can’t control, but the one thing we can control is how we think and therefore how we feel. I know it doesn’t always seem like that. Especially for anyone who battles with depression, anxiety or any other mentally challenging disorders. And I’m not saying it’s easy either, it’s not, but if we ever want to truly be content in this life, we must find a way to change the way we think.

That is the only way to change the way we feel and the negative belief system that has been ruling our lives. After all, a belief is just something you keep thinking over and over again; that doesn’t make it true.

You might be thinking, “Sure, that’s easy for you to say, your life is great!”

And I would reply, “Then, I must be doing a pretty good job of convincing myself it is!”

Hicks always says, “Fake it until you make it!” and that is literally what you have to do, almost every day.

Do you think I wake up every day happy and excited?

Well, I can tell you that is very rare.

For me, depression is like an evil villain lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on my good mood at any given moment. I never know when it will hit me or what the trigger will be. The only thing I do know for sure is that its visit is inevitable.

Every day before I open my eyes, I take the first thought that comes to mind and should it be a negative one, I take a deep breath and say to myself, “Not today” and then I reach for the closest positive thought I can find. And I continue to do that until I have moved my train of thought over to something or someone that makes me smile.

If that doesn’t work (and sometimes it doesn’t), I may surrender to the moment, but as soon as I have a chance to release those emotions, I take it.

Whether that be writing, painting or simply taking a moment to blubber about it, we all need an outlet. I have a friend who whenever they get upset, they go running and I have another friend who whenever they get upset, they go for a drive.

The point is, we are all human and part of being human means that we are emotional beings. There is nothing we can do to change that.

And emotions are meant to be expressed. It is when they are not that we find ourselves spinning out of control.

Which is why having a support system or at least one person who knows you as well as (if not more than) you know yourself, is detrimental in winning the fight.

We all need that one person who is understanding and supportive, but also not afraid to call us out on our shit!

Something I think we all need every once in a while 🙂

The minute you turn from the ones who care for you, you surrender completely to whatever it is that is causing you to feel that way.

Whether it is a person, a problem or an illness, when you turn away from the world and crawl inside yourself, you are giving up your power to change your circumstance.

You become, the title of one of my favorite Perfect Circle songs – Weak and Powerless.

Maybe this will only last a few months, but there is always a chance of permanence.

Darkness in a world full of color.

The longer you spend in the dark, the harder it becomes to find the light.

Why?

Because every thought you think, results in an emotion and every emotion another thought that leads to another emotion…you get the point.

“when you are feeling insecure you start to think the way you are feeling. Then, you begin to feel the way you think and feeling becomes the means of thinking. When this occurs, the mind becomes immersed in the body and you begin thinking as a body and not as a mind; it becomes your state of being.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza

So when we wallow and believe me, I can be the queen of wallowing sometimes, we begin to validate the negativity we are experiencing.

The story we tell ourselves is incredibly important. It forms the way we see the world and ourselves. As well as determines what we attract into our current reality.

This was a huge revelation I had back in 2016 and it has been my savior over the past few years when it comes to pulling myself back from the downward spiral of emotions that can pull me away from my path.  I wrote a post about it that you can find here, What is Your Story?

Obviously, I have not yet mastered the art and perhaps I never will, but at least I’m trying.

And some part of it must be working, because I am seeing evidence of it more and more as time goes on.

Take for instance that last few months or even all of last year for that matter. It has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

My heart has been broken, friends have let me down and in many cases, I have let myself down, but despite the disappointments of the past, I am still going strong!

I have learned that although it is natural to feel defeated at times or get caught up in someone or some event in our lives, if we dwell in this place for too long, we may let something amazing walk right on by.

Life has a funny way of working itself out and it is way too short to hold on to the people who do not value you or cling to the mistakes of the past. This life is about moving forward, not backward.

Sometimes what we want and what we need are completely opposed to one another and that is just all there is to it.

How do we know the difference?

That is a tough question to answer, but I’ll give it a shot based on my own experiences.

First of all, you should never have to beg for love and/or attention from someone who truly cares for you, because to those who truly care it is something you will never have to question. Words are merely words and leave the lips of the deceitful just the same as they do from those with good intentions.

The difference is that those with good intentions validate those words with actions. We all make mistakes and behave in ways we are not proud of, so I am not saying you should dismiss anyone who doesn’t put you on a pedestal – that’s a bit extreme!

It is okay to give someone a chance to make amends, but be careful about letting them off too easy. The word sorry is over used and over appreciated in my opinion and it is again just a word. True amends are made by going the extra mile, not just apologizing for what you did wrong.

The day you embrace this knowledge you will find that you hold not only yourself, but everyone-else in your life to a higher standard.

And I assure you, when you least expect it, you will cross paths with someone you may have never seen coming, had you been too busy chasing after someone else.

And the same advice is relevant with circumstances too.

Just like people, opportunities will come and go in your life, you just have to try your best to ensure you are going after the right ones and not spending too much time trying to make the wrong ones into something they are not.

We are all in this together… some of us just weren’t meant to walk next to one another.

Image courtesy of suwatpo at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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The Choice

I love this movie/book so much and below is one of my favorite quotes. I think sometimes we forget that we are in charge of our own lives. We are constantly faced with choices & decisions that together shape the future.

I see so many people staying in situations where they are unhappy, but they continually make excuses for why it simply couldn’t be any other way. From unhealthy relationships to stressful employment, they continually allow themselves to lead a life they don’t want and hold themselves back from finding true happiness.

I have been guilty of it myself, which is why I no longer hold much hesitation when it comes to expressing the way I feel, even if it might not be what someone wants to hear. I don’t want to waste their time and I am sure as hell not going to waste any more of my own candy coating or tip toeing around the subject…that’s just silly.

And besides, if life has taught me anything, it is that with the ones you love and those that truly love you in return, that is not something you need to worry about, because you appreciate one another just the way you are.

“Now, pay attention, cause I’m about to tell you the secret to life…

Ready?

The whole damn thing is about decisions.

Little seemingly insignificant decisions that  clear the road for monster truck like altering ones.

You see, every path you take, leads to another choice.

And some choices…can change everything.

Every damn moment of the rest of your life hangs on them.

And boy do I have a choice to make…”

The Choice – 2016 directed by Ross Katz and written by Bryan Sipe, based on Nicholas Sparks‘ 2007 novel of the same name

You Matter

There are only a handful of people in my life that I have truly opened up to. And if you are one of those people, you know how hard that is for me to do.

The two things that hurt me the most are being lied to and being disregarded/dismissed. More so, when the build up of false hope and greatness proceeds being left behind.

From a very young age, I was made to feel as though I didn’t matter, I wasn’t important, to the one person who held my whole world in their hands. She walked away from me as if I never meant anything to her and as a result, I find it extremely hard to believe that I really could matter to anyone the way they matter to me.

I am not saying that is true, in fact I know  in my mind that it is not, but my heart is another story.

With every new friendship/relationship, I am constantly on guard. Waiting for the day they decide to walk away or hurt me in some way. For anyone who understands the law of attraction, you can clearly see how I am bringing this all on myself.

There in itself lies the challenge.

There is this emptiness, this worry, in my mind that never seems to go away. There is this constant state of fear that resides in the pit of my stomach. And with every failed friendship/relationship it grows larger.

And it is not so much an issue of self esteem or confidence, although I am sure many would argue as such. I know I am a person of value. I am aware of all my good (and bad) qualities and I am proud of the person I am today. So I can assure you there is something different at play here.

It is instead and inability to trust that the intentions of others are honorable.

And I am not talking about trust as in cheating, I have never really been the jealous kind and besides I am not just talking about relationships, I am talking about friendships too.

In the time I have been on this earth, I have encountered so many people who claimed to care for me dearly. Those who promised they would always be there and most of them are not here today. And many I would find out later were not the people I thought they were to begin with.

Two great examples can be found here.

Situations like these have arisen over and over again. It is a wonder I can still find the courage to open up at all.

I guess maybe somewhere down deep inside, hidden behind the emptiness in my heart is a hope for something more from this life and the people I share it with. A hope that drives the courage to face another day.

Perhaps it is what gives me the strength to keep moving forward, when all I want to do is run away and hide from a world that has proved to be so cruel.

One that dangles happiness on a string only to pull it away just before you grasp it.

Eventually, there comes a day, much like today, when frustration & exhaustion drive you to anger. And for me anger has always been the path to moving forward.

For in anger, there are no feelings of unworthiness, but rather that of animosity; resentment from ever being made to feel that way in the first place.

 

For those of you that have stuck around for all these years, stayed true to your word and accepted me unconditionally, thank you is simply not enough.

If it was not for you, I would hold no hope for the hearts of men.

Truth would seem like a fairy tale and love…well…I am not sure I’d know what that was.

And for those of you who have left me on the shelf, assuming that I would always be there…how foolish of you. I hold no desire to be part of your collection, nor will I tell you when I decide to walk away, but I assure you, I will.

In the end it is your loss I suppose, but I wonder if there will ever be a day when you hold remorse for the damage you inflicted on an already wounded heart.

A heart that was meant to be treasured, but instead, was treated like just a random acquaintance or notch in your belt.

This life is too short for any of us to spend our time wasted on those who do not see our worth.

Actions speak louder than words and words are not actions…pretty sure someone famous said that! 🙂

We tend to get caught up in the declarations & promises of others, but those are just words and if not followed up with actions then they literally mean nothing.

And with every disappointment lies a lesson, usually one of personal growth. Therefore, there is no other direction but forward and sometimes the only way forward is through forgiveness and reflection.

Both of which are not always easy, but they are necessary in order to begin telling a new story!

A Relevant Reflection

Exciting news! I am just about finished putting together the timeline for the Insane Roots book series! So far it is looking like there will be at least four additional books. I am down to the last two journals!!

Sadly, I stopped consistently keeping a journal around 2008, so hopefully my memory doesn’t fail me filling in the gaps between then and starting my blog 🙂

Anyway! I found this little gem in one of my journals from 2002 and I thought I’d give you a little teaser…

Without giving too much away (hopefully), I wrote this when I was living in West Seattle and dating a man I almost married. There is a huge crazy story there, but you’ll have to wait for book #3!! Teehee.

It was untitled, but the first thought that came to my mind was that it was a relevant reflection, so I changed it!

A Relevant Reflection

February 9, 2002

Mr. Serious Man,

Why so sad?

Your eyes are turning that lighter shade of blue.

These are the times I fear for you.

Are you pondering a million questions?

Lost to the answers.

Perhaps… you think too much,

Or should not think alone.

Clarity comes from the ability to clear your mind.

Do the answers really matter?

The day is at hand!

If you waste it by thinking of tomorrow,

You’ll never enjoy today.

And as time goes on,

You’ll never know the true joy,

In this crazy beautiful life.

 

Something She Will Never Have

With hope in her heart she stumbled,

Thinking maybe,

This time would be different.

No more,

Is far,

In love and war.

For she finally found the courage,

To bare her soul,

And was met with only regret.

Once again the fool,

Silly,

Stupid,

Blundering hope,

For something that was real.

Something now,

She knows,

She will never have.