It’s Okay To Let Loose

Day 28: It’s okay to let loose!

Happy Friday Folks! Got any sweet plans for the weekend?

With everything going on right now, I’ve heard from a lot of people that they are having mixed feelings about enjoying themselves while the world around them is in turmoil. I completely understand. It’s only natural to feel a bit of guilt doing well when others are struggling, but sharing the good news in times of turbulence could actually have a positive effect.

Have you ever been down and out, feeling unbelievably lost, and in the perfect moment, you see evidence of another succeeding where you have failed, evidence of that light flickering on the horizon…I have and it inspired me to keep going.

There is no shame in being that light, no shame in reminding the world that things can change. That these struggles we are experiencing may be the path to positive advances in a world that feels divided and broken.

So, don’t be afraid to let loose, to celebrate the triumphs in your own life and the lives of others. It’s okay. We will all get through this, hopefully, wiser and more compassionate from having gone through it. 

And remember, you never know the change you may inspire, just by being brave enough to share your light with the world.

It’s Okay To Feel Lost

Day 21: It’s okay to feel lost

Happy Friday! How is everyone feeling today? It’s been a long week for me, but I’m ending on a happy note! I am feeling more confident in my work and not so lost on what to do next.

See, everyone has times in their lives when they feel lost, me included! If you are feeling lost right now, no matter what it is you are facing, it’s okay. Maybe it’s time for you to take a step back for a moment and stop trying to figure it all out right now.

Sometimes not thinking about what direction to go will lead you where to go without you having to figure it out. Don’t discount your intuition, pay attention to what your inner being is trying to tell you. I battle with that all the time and it is usually when I stop trying to find the answers that the answers come.

Be easy on yourself. You don’t have to figure it all out right now!

It’s Okay To Be Silly

Day Twelve: It’s okay to be silly

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being silly now and then. Some would have you believe it is wasting time or being foolish and therefore it is not okay. And they would be wrong!

Studies have shown that having fun and being silly can actually be very beneficial for you. It can reduce stress, give us more energy, balance our hormones and some would even say make us smarter.

But don’t just take it from me! Check out this article from the Boston Globe

Do yourself a favor today and be a little playful…it’ll do you good đŸ™‚

What I’ve Learned About Myself in Quarantine

I am spoiled.

Yup, I am not ashamed to admit it and I am humbled by it. Sure, I have been through my fair share of heart ache, but it doesn’t even begin to compare to the trauma others have and continue to experience.

I tell my story, not for admiration in having over come, but in the hopes of giving motivation and inspiration to those less fortunate than myself to fight through another day.

To let them know that someone is listening and trying to understand struggle from where they stand. To, if only for a moment, help them feel as though they are not alone.

I will never know what it is like to face their reality and I do not claim to. What I do know, is what is it like to be in pain. To walk alone in this world, in the darkness, wondering if you will ever find the light. I want nothing more than to be that light or at the very least, the reminder that it hasn’t burned out completely.

I am a little bit selfish.

I fought my way to this place in life, to this exact moment in time. This love, this security and this independence. Sometimes I forget that I cultivated this and for that I should be proud.

Just over five years ago, when I was struggling with which path to take, I took a long hard look at the potential for my future. At the time, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was really striving for, because I was still trying to figure out who I was and what I really wanted. All I knew for sure was the life I was currently living wasn’t the life I wanted. I pretended it was for a long time, but I was only fooling myself amidst trying convince myself I was someone I wasn’t.

At the suggestion of some self-help gurus I made a vision board and once that was filled up, I created a vision book. Looking at them now it is amazing how much of it has already manifested for me in just five years. It has convinced me of the power of intent.

From the relationship I’ve always wanted to the clothes on my back, I have almost everything I have ever wanted and I could not be more amazed and appreciative for it.

Perhaps that is why I tend to be a little bit selfish at times about how I spend my time. I spent 30 years of my life struggling to survive and now that I am thriving…I’m not quite sure what that all entails.

I am so used to worrying about everything that when there is nothing of concern in my life, I find myself almost searching for it. It seems so silly and yet inescapable at times.

In those moments, I try to remind myself that it is okay to be content, without worry or obligation. It is okay to just be in the moment. And it is also okay to be a little selfish with your time without feeling guilty for it. After all, we all deserve a bit of peace now and then. Not everything has to be a double edged sword. Sometimes being content is just being content. Without discontent lurking on the horizon.

I thrive in isolation

I’ve always been an introvert and I LOVE my alone time! I could spend days cut off from the world and be perfectly content. Socializing has never been my strong suit. Most people are surprised by that because I don’t seem awkward when I’m out with people, but on the inside, most of the time, I’m riddled with anxiety.

As you can imagine, my mother being who she is, I learned at a very young age to keep my nervousness locked away as it was a sign of weakness. No one would take you seriously if you didn’t present yourself as such. Makes sense considering. After all, she couldn’t have her daughter blowing her cover. So instead, I was taught to bury it all and put on a confident happy face, no matter how much I was dying inside.

This is not something I hide now, I’ve come a long way from that girl afraid to show emotion, but socializing still does not come extremely easy for me. When all this began, my friends teased, “This shouldn’t be any different for you!” and they were right. I had worked from home for many years before and I grew quite comfortable never leaving the house. I think the longest I had gone was 11 days in total and it would have been longer, but I ran out of some essentials that I couldn’t buy online.

I thought maybe being forced to stay home would make it different, considering I hate being told what to do or that I can’t do something, but that was not the case. Not being able to go anywhere, just gave me an excuse to keep to myself rather than having to find one of my own.

And although not being able to work caused me a little bit of anxiety financially, it was overpowered by the freedom I now had. Everyday, I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it and I was in heaven.

I realized I could become a recluse very easily.

If I never had to go anywhere, I’m not sure I would and that’s not necessarily good. I prefer my little bubble, but it is only healthy if you let others in from time to time.

I would rather do yard work than actual work.

Locked away in my own little bubble of creativity, I thrived! My yard became my canvas. All of the sudden I had all the time I had ever wanted to work in the garden, landscape and tend to all those projects that had been on the back burner for all those years.

I watched as new plants began to grow, filled with excitement every morning to see how much they had changed in the night.

I added flower bed after flower bed and sat back as my vision grew. I was creating living art and I was loving it!

The less obligations I have, the happier I am.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this one. I think it may be because of the before mentioned thriving mentality. I am at my best when I am free to roam and wander as I please. Deadlines don’t bother me and I have no trouble meeting them, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I am talking about the ability to follow my greatest inspiration. No set plan I have to follow, just a general intention that takes shape as I move through the day. Those are the best days for me and the most productive.

I need to make more of an effort.

I am so content living in my own world that I get caught up in it at times. Finding myself almost forgetting that I am a part of something greater. I don’t keep in touch as much as I should and I’ve tried to get better about it, but I always seem to find myself falling back into the same patterns of distance.

It is not that I don’t have great love for the people in my life or that I don’t want to reach out. I think I just get lost in myself sometimes. Tucked away in my cocoon of self reflection and spiritual growth. It is a necessary thing for me to do from time to time and I offer no apology for that. However, I need to make more of any effort to express that instead of slipping out of the circle for communication for months on end until I emerge again.

Social distancing suits me & in some cases social media is enough.

The amount of social interaction one needs varies from individual to individual. For some, this isolation has been a nightmare and for others a bit of a blessing.

For me, it caused a shift in my opinion on a few things. I used to think that technology was causing us to lose a bit of our humanity. That the lack of physical interaction was making us grow farther apart as humans. I am no longer of that mindset.

In a time of world crisis, it has proved to be quite the opposite.

It just goes to show you that everything is a matter of perspective. We are all operating based on the view from our own looking glass. A view filtered through our own mind, uniquely formed by the experiences in our lives.

The more we experience the more we grow and the more we grow, the better we are. I don’t think it is possible for growth and change not to come from all of this. It has certainly broaded my perspective on a lot of things.

My greatest hope is that I am not alone in that.

Come Bother Me

Before I begin my next prose, I would like to say that it is not about any one person in particular. I am a writer, it is what I do.

It takes the smallest of sparks to make my pen quiver. It could be a song that I heard or the memory of a feeling I had long ago. And on occasion it will relate to something that I am experiencing. Although, that is not always the case.

I find that I feel things on such a deep level that just about anything can spawn a moment of connection with the written word.

For example, I watched the sweetest movie last night; The Choice. From the author of The Notebook, it is another beautiful story about the courage it takes to love someone.

And the rewards we receive by never giving up. It is a total chick flick yes, but not the typical run of the mill love story. It is one about hope and connection to something beyond ourselves.

There are two lines in the movie that  inspired the words you are about to read.

The first, “Come bother me baby.”

A simple phrase, but it says so much. I think we have all had that person at one time or another in our lives that has bugged us to no end!

And not in the way that a child bothers their mother, but rather that person that for reasons beyond your understanding just gets under your skin…and you kind of like it.

You don’t want to like it, but you do.

It is as though there is an internal struggle happening between your mind and your soul. Your mind is telling you they are bad news, but your soul is telling you that they are the one.

The best relationships I have had were the ones that were less than perfect. I don’t want someone who is going to bend the knee. A man who will cave the minute a tear rolls down my face.

I want someone who challenges me, someone who gets under my skin, knocks me out of my comfort zone and forces me to be vulnerable.

Part of building a life together is about growing with one another. It is seeing the potential in someone and wanting nothing more than for them to see it too.

The other line from the movie that stuck with me was, “There is no shame in being a broken man. You just pick up the pieces and start putting your life back together.”

We are all weak at times and we all have felt broken.

In these moments of our lives, we must turn to hope and that inner voice telling us where to go next. In my opinion, that is why meditation is so important.

In times when I feel lost or broken if you will, I meditate.

It is a way to calm my mind and allow that inner voice to be heard above the noise of overthinking.

You see, I believe we are all part of a much greater purpose. The plans of which can not be understood from within the constructs of or current world.

We must instead, take a leap of faith and follow our hearts. Trusting our inner guidance to show us the way. Many times the path may be of great challenge and at times painful, but it is all necessary.

For living in a place of fear will only leave one feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Sometimes we need to take the plunge in order to find great clarity on the other side of pain.

Keeping yourself closed off from love may seem like the best course of action in preventing heartache, but I can tell you from experience that it is not.

You are not keeping yourself safe, you are setting yourself up for a life that is filled with a great deal more disappointment and struggle than any failed attempt at love.

In the process of building those walls, you are not just keeping everyone else out. You are severing the connection between your heart and mind. Mark my words…eventually, you will lose yourself. I did.

And coming back from that was more painful than anything I have ever felt.

And on that note, here is my poem about no one in particular.

I knew it was you.

From the moment you looked at me that way.

As though you were bathing in my soul.

Awakening a part of me that I was not sure I wanted to be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me.

I knew that you could see me

And I was not quite ready to be seen.

Something in my heart assured me

That this was it.

The love I had been searching for all my life.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

My faults

My mistakes

And the scars on my heart.

I could see it then

That you

You would forgive them all.

And then it occurred to me

I have never known a love like that.

Undeniably strong

And unwavering.

A love that would surely break me

Should it ever go away.

I decided it would be easier

To run away and hide.

To push you away

And refuse to believe

That it could ever work out.

But it wouldn’t go away.

The harder I pushed

And the further I ran

The more I felt it

Pulling at my heart.

Until I caved.

Wanting nothing more than you

Against my better judgement

I came to you.

Vulnerable and scared

I let go.

Over taken by passion

We became one

As I knew we would.

And when it was over

I felt more fear

Than I had ever thought possible.

Until the idea of losing you

Became my only motivation.

And so I ran

Once again

I ran.

Far away from the possibility of regret

Or so I thought.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

But something in my heart

Just wouldn’t let you go.

It was undeniable

You and I

And as much as I wanted to believe

It would all fall apart

In the deep recesses of my soul

There was no doubt

That it would all work out.

You awoke something in me

Something I wasn’t sure should be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me

Like no one else.

The undeniable knowing

That you were the one.

The realization

That all I really wanted

Was for you to bother me

For the rest of my life.

 

Life is too short and our time on this earth unknown. For that reason alone, I beg of you all to put fear aside and follow your hearts. And when you fall, pick yourself right back up again and keep going.

Only you have the power to change your life and wouldn’t you rather risk the heart break if there was a possibility of finding true happiness? If you have ever been in love and I mean real love, then you know…it really is worth it.