Come Bother Me

Before I begin my next prose, I would like to say that it is not about any one person in particular. I am a writer, it is what I do.

It takes the smallest of sparks to make my pen quiver. It could be a song that I heard or the memory of a feeling I had long ago. And on occasion it will relate to something that I am experiencing. Although, that is not always the case.

I find that I feel things on such a deep level that just about anything can spawn a moment of connection with the written word.

For example, I watched the sweetest movie last night; The Choice. From the author of The Notebook, it is another beautiful story about the courage it takes to love someone.

And the rewards we receive by never giving up. It is a total chick flick yes, but not the typical run of the mill love story. It is one about hope and connection to something beyond ourselves.

There are two lines in the movie that  inspired the words you are about to read.

The first, “Come bother me baby.”

A simple phrase, but it says so much. I think we have all had that person at one time or another in our lives that has bugged us to no end!

And not in the way that a child bothers their mother, but rather that person that for reasons beyond your understanding just gets under your skin…and you kind of like it.

You don’t want to like it, but you do.

It is as though there is an internal struggle happening between your mind and your soul. Your mind is telling you they are bad news, but your soul is telling you that they are the one.

The best relationships I have had were the ones that were less than perfect. I don’t want someone who is going to bend the knee. A man who will cave the minute a tear rolls down my face.

I want someone who challenges me, someone who gets under my skin, knocks me out of my comfort zone and forces me to be vulnerable.

Part of building a life together is about growing with one another. It is seeing the potential in someone and wanting nothing more than for them to see it too.

The other line from the movie that stuck with me was, “There is no shame in being a broken man. You just pick up the pieces and start putting your life back together.”

We are all weak at times and we all have felt broken.

In these moments of our lives, we must turn to hope and that inner voice telling us where to go next. In my opinion, that is why meditation is so important.

In times when I feel lost or broken if you will, I meditate.

It is a way to calm my mind and allow that inner voice to be heard above the noise of overthinking.

You see, I believe we are all part of a much greater purpose. The plans of which can not be understood from within the constructs of or current world.

We must instead, take a leap of faith and follow our hearts. Trusting our inner guidance to show us the way. Many times the path may be of great challenge and at times painful, but it is all necessary.

For living in a place of fear will only leave one feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Sometimes we need to take the plunge in order to find great clarity on the other side of pain.

Keeping yourself closed off from love may seem like the best course of action in preventing heartache, but I can tell you from experience that it is not.

You are not keeping yourself safe, you are setting yourself up for a life that is filled with a great deal more disappointment and struggle than any failed attempt at love.

In the process of building those walls, you are not just keeping everyone else out. You are severing the connection between your heart and mind. Mark my words…eventually, you will lose yourself. I did.

And coming back from that was more painful than anything I have ever felt.

And on that note, here is my poem about no one in particular.

I knew it was you.

From the moment you looked at me that way.

As though you were bathing in my soul.

Awakening a part of me that I was not sure I wanted to be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me.

I knew that you could see me

And I was not quite ready to be seen.

Something in my heart assured me

That this was it.

The love I had been searching for all my life.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

My faults

My mistakes

And the scars on my heart.

I could see it then

That you

You would forgive them all.

And then it occurred to me

I have never known a love like that.

Undeniably strong

And unwavering.

A love that would surely break me

Should it ever go away.

I decided it would be easier

To run away and hide.

To push you away

And refuse to believe

That it could ever work out.

But it wouldn’t go away.

The harder I pushed

And the further I ran

The more I felt it

Pulling at my heart.

Until I caved.

Wanting nothing more than you

Against my better judgement

I came to you.

Vulnerable and scared

I let go.

Over taken by passion

We became one

As I knew we would.

And when it was over

I felt more fear

Than I had ever thought possible.

Until the idea of losing you

Became my only motivation.

And so I ran

Once again

I ran.

Far away from the possibility of regret

Or so I thought.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

But something in my heart

Just wouldn’t let you go.

It was undeniable

You and I

And as much as I wanted to believe

It would all fall apart

In the deep recesses of my soul

There was no doubt

That it would all work out.

You awoke something in me

Something I wasn’t sure should be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me

Like no one else.

The undeniable knowing

That you were the one.

The realization

That all I really wanted

Was for you to bother me

For the rest of my life.

 

Life is too short and our time on this earth unknown. For that reason alone, I beg of you all to put fear aside and follow your hearts. And when you fall, pick yourself right back up again and keep going.

Only you have the power to change your life and wouldn’t you rather risk the heart break if there was a possibility of finding true happiness? If you have ever been in love and I mean real love, then you know…it really is worth it.

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My Thoughts on Relationships

When did dating become so complicated?

My guess would be that it was the moment when human interaction was reduced to hiding behind a screen rather than having a real face to face moment with someone. An energy exchange rather than a text message.

And I feel like dating isn’t even dating anymore. It is like there is only ‘hooking up’ instead of searching for something real. I mean finding a hook-up is easy and great for the moment, but what happens if I am looking for more than that? Are there any decent men left in the world who want more than just a quick a meaningless moment of passion and lust? I mean don’t get me wrong passion is great, but how much better is it when you know the person you are sharing it with cares for you deeply.

This week alone, I have had several opportunities to “meet up” and honestly, I’m just not really into it anymore. It’s too easy and way too predictable. I think I have come to a stage in my life when everything has changed. I am so unbelievably bored of the dating game.

I am not going to chase you or entertain your overused excuses about being damaged. We are all damaged. However some of us choose to rise above our circumstances, to find our strength among the heartbreaks of the past and the fear of the future. Others are not as strong and I don’t know about you, but for me weakness is such a turn off.

I have been told by most of my previous lovers that I am one of the most laid back people they have ever dated. Not in my younger years of course, I was a bit crazy back than, but even so I have never really been the controlling type.

Which is probably the reason most of us have stayed friends over the years. To me a relationship is about give and take. It is built on respect and honesty. And if you truly care about someone than neither of those should be too difficult to master.

You both give it a shot and it either works out or it doesn’t. And if you are mature enough, after some time passes, your heart begins to heal and you can both be thankful for the experience it gave you.

Oh and let’s not forget the all essential communication.

I do not find it sexy or mysterious to wonder how a person feels about me. Quiet the opposite really. A man who is not afraid to say how he feels or go after what he wants, now that is sexy!

I get that love is scary. We have all had our fair share of heartbreak, but you can’t boohoo over it forever. I was badly burned by a deceitful, disgusting man several years ago before I moved to Colorado. Talk about damaged. I had allowed him to manipulate me into a place where I no longer knew my own self worth. I swore to myself that I would never again fall victim to the dangers of love.

But then one day, I realized that by doing that, I was essentially giving him the power to dictate the rest of my life. Getting over someone and moving on are much different. Sure, I was over him. I had no desire to ever see him again and I had forgiven (not forgotten) all of the heartless things that he did.

However, my heart was still bruised and I was scared. Terrified actually. I hit such a low place after we parted. A place I never wanted to be again. Not all relationships end badly as I mentioned before, but in cases such as these, we grow and grow and grow.

I learned more about who I was, what I would and would not put up with and most of all what I truly wanted in a relationship. And that was not something magical or perfect by any stretch. All I really wanted was something real.

Two uniquely flawed people supporting one another down the road of life. Inspiring and loving the other despite their disagreements and woes. So simple, yet so hard to find.

I knew it was a gamble and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready, but I knew that I couldn’t hide away forever.

And then, along came this person who lit a fire inside of me. It did not manifest into the love affair I thought it would, but I am thankful.

Grateful because I honestly never thought I could feel that way again about anyone and that in itself gave me hope.

Not too long ago, one of my guy friends told me something that I will never forget. I was talking to him about someone that had recently told me they had feelings for me and then immediately after just blew me off. I was asking him how I should handle the situation, since now a days all this dating stuff is clouded by ridiculous suggestions of how we should and should not behave.

He laughed at me and said, “It’s really quite simple…If a guy really wants to be with you, there is no stopping him, no fear, no worry, nothing…So if he is blowing you off, then chances are he doesn’t”

Simply put and really, it answered all of my questions.

No response, is a response.

It is foolish for me to try to figure out what anyone else is thinking and if their actions do not match their words, then chances are their words mean very little.

The only actions we can control are our own. And if we remember to stay true to ourselves, without exception, then no matter what we do we will always have the assurance that it came from the heart.

You are worthy of all that you desire and never let anyone tell you any different. Those that do are not looking out for your best interest…usually they are just looking out for themselves.

 Now, go out and find them! 🙂

Image courtesy of Dynamite Imagery at FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

A Powerful Transformation

You know that feeling you get when you want something so bad you are crawling out of your skin? And the longer it takes to get it the more you seem to want it. I would like to throw out there that maybe what you want is not necessarily what you need and the reason you are not getting it is because something bigger than ourselves is intervening.

I have found that when things don’t turn out the way we would like them to, instead of getting frustrated, it is better to appreciate the difference as a way of expanding our consciousness. All of the teachings I have been studying believe this contrast to be essential in our own personal growth.

In Bronnie Ware’s book, Top 5 Regrets of the Dying,  the number one regret was: I wish I would have had the courage to live the life I knew I was destined to live.

So how can we prevent this?

My suggestion would be to allow ourselves to listen to those inner callings. Pay attention to the pull that we feel from some invisible intelligence, burning desire, or inner light that is constantly speaking to us. Sadly, in many cases we make excuses to ignore it and find out later that we should have gone with our gut, am I right?

I am living proof that when you decide to start listening, your entire life can change. You begin going down a new road that leads to new experiences and opportunities. Ones that you may have never known before.

Deep down, I think we all know that we have a purpose, but for one reason or another we keep ourselves from finding out what it is. We tell ourselves that we are satisfied with our current condition out of fear of failure if we try to pursue another course of action. One that perhaps may mean more to us than any other we have ever encountered. This fear should be our worst enemy, not the puppet master manning our strings.

So, I challenge you to listen to that inner voice, whether it may be to take a different route home, shop at a different store or simply wear something different than you had originally planned for the day.

And then pay very close attention to the moments that manifest (however small they may be) as a result of doing just that.

I think we have all had that moment when we have said to ourselves, “I knew I should have…” or “I should’ve know better”.

Like the day I decided to bring my umbrella to work even though there was no call for rain (I walked to work at the time so it ended up making a huge difference in my day). I woke in the morning, checked the weather as I usually do and decided on an outfit. As I pulled my shirt from the closet, my umbrella fell at my feet and I thought to myself, “I don’t need you today”, but then a moment of doubt crept in that I ignored. I proceeded to finish getting ready, grabbed my back pack and as I walked towards the door I realized I needed something out of the hall closet. So I turned around and just as I opened the closet door another umbrella fell at my feet. An umbrella that oddly enough I had actually borrowed from work and needed to return, so I decided to take it along. Little did I know I would need it about 5 minutes after walking out the door.

Some would call this just a coincidence, but for me it was a sign of something larger at play. For me it was one of those moments of synchronicity that I simply could not ignore and as a result, I avoided a walk in the rain, a day of sitting in wet clothing and possibly the need for an attitude adjustment! haha

I have come to learn that if you allow your life to unfold naturally, you will naturally find your purpose and your peace.

There is a time for everything, not just the positive but the opposite negative aspects as well. I am not trying to tell you that every day is going to come up roses. There is a time for struggle, a time for pain, depression and so on, but in those moments, if you can  remember that there will also be a time for joy, fulfillment and rejoice, you may be better able to grow as a person.

And as you do, you get to a new place in your life where you begin to understand that it is all about balance.

It becomes quite a freeing feeling to realize that you actually have nothing to do, nothing you need to control. When you step back and keep yourself from telling others how they should live and what they should do, you begin to accept them for who and where they are. It is not your duty to control the lives of others and it puts so much unnecessary pressure on your life when you try to do so. It is one thing to care about someone and feel that you have their best interests at heart, but it is important to remember that you are viewing their situation through your own looking glass. What is best for you is not always best for them. Perhaps they need to take a wrong turn in order to learn a very valuable lesson that will serve them greatly in the future. Their life is not yours to lead, to judge or to fix. Just love them and allow their life and your own to unfold naturally.

One of the most powerful lessons in this you can ever learn, I had to learn as a young women. My own mother walked away at a time in my life when I needed her the most. And before that she had lied about her identity including passing down a name to me that was stolen from someone else. She kept me from having a relationship with my biological father and many other relatives that to this day I have yet to meet. These are all things that made me very angry and depressed for many years. It was a grudge that many would agree was a valid one, but what a weight it was to bare.

It was not until I was able to forgive my mother that a very powerful transformation was able to take place. And I did this through writing my memoir. Something I believe was the result of divine intervention. I believe that the opportunities that set the process in motion were sent to me by God or whatever you want to call that divine spirit or divine presence.

I started the process during a very difficult time in my life. I was at an all-time low emotionally & physically. Things were just not working out for me. I was overweight, my relationships were not working, I was drinking more frequently, and I had stopped growing creatively. Things were not horrible by any means, but I knew in my heart that I was not living up to my true potential. I realize now that it was because I was carrying around all this hatred and bitterness for my mother.

Once I was able to accept her for who she was, I no longer needed my mother to be someone she was not. She would never be fully present in my life. She would never be someone I was able to count on and that was okay because I was a stronger person as a result of her absence. My anger and sadness had turned into gratitude and confidence. And more importantly, it is because of this revelation that I was able to find my purpose. I believe I was meant to empower others, to help them down the path to finding their inner peace, inspiration and light. It gives me great joy, so much so that there is no denying that this is the journey I was meant to take.

When I was finally able to sever the attachment to those old wounds, my life took on a life changing transformation. Everything began to fall into place. My writing came more naturally and at a much higher level. I embarked on the journey of self-improvement that I have been sharing with all of you and I have never felt better.

Relationships that never worked out have all turned out to be blessings in disguise. Loves I thought had been lost were never really present to begin with and gave me great insight into traits that were merely lacking in myself; confidence, security, self-assurance, faith, trust and acceptance. I am no longer on the hunt for love because  I know it will come when the time is right and for that reason I hold no intention of rushing it because if the time is not right, it will never work out. To all those who have tossed me aside, I have nothing but gratitude for they unknowingly saved me from myself.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to tell anyone how to live. I am simply sharing my experiences and this life altering revelation with you in the hopes that it may help in some way to improve areas of your life that you feel need addressing. Like many, I used to place blame on others for the way my life was. It was not until I took responsibility for my current condition that I was able to truly make a change. The point I want to drill home is that from my experience, I have found that we have the power within us to seize the opportunity in any given moment and make a change. Whatever it is that is creating stress in our lives is in itself a chance to learn, a chance to grow and a chance to change our circumstance. How you feel is a choice. You can choose to be angry or you can chose to be fulfilled and the choice you make will set the pace for all that comes next.

It is my greatest desire for you to find joy among this vast environment of negativity that can sometimes feel inescapable. And that at the end of your days you will hold no regrets, but instead hold an enormous amount of gratitude for the life you have led.

Wishing you all the best! Thank you for reading.

Keep on Spreading The Love

Special thank you to everyone who participated in the May Spreading The Love Campaign! We made a nice donation to the Denver Animal Shelter to help our furry friends find homes! 🙂

To keep on spreading the love, I would like to extend the campaign through June. Only this time, all donations will be going to help a very dear friend of mine who is battling Breast Cancer.

Angie Baker is one of the most generous and kind people I have ever met. To know her is to love her. She is the type of person who would do anything for anyone without question.

She is a single mother and has been struggling to make ends meet since she began chemo back in January. Angie is one in a million and she needs our help.

Please find a link to her GoFundMe campaign below to donate directly.

Angie.png

https://www.gofundme.com/25t63dcc

The donated money will help cover her day to day living expenses and any medical expenses her insurance company declines.

I will also be donating 50% of the proceeds from all copies of Insane Roots purchased through the Insane Roots official website: Insaneroots.com   for the entire month of June to help in paying it forward.

If you are not able to donate, I completely understand, but if you can please share this with as many people as possible, it would mean so much to Angie and her family.

Thank you all for your consideration and support.

Let’s keep on spreading the love 🙂

Stay strong Angie, we love you so much!

Where is My Mother Now?

As many of you know, I opened the lines of communication with my biological mother back in May. I felt I was ready then and given how I am handling the most recent turn of events I know now that I was.

Things had been going well with us (or so I thought). We were still communicating solely by text or via messenger, but we were in contact everyday. Even if it was a simple good morning or good night text, we rarely went longer than a day without touching base.

The first few days of reconnecting were spent catching up with each other about our everyday lives. Eventually, we started working through the past. I asked her many of the questions that have been on my mind that she seemed to answer open and honestly. I asked her about my biological dad and even sent her a photo of the person whom I thought it was for her confirmation (she confirmed it). Whether that was the whole truth or not, I may never know, but I really felt like we may be making progress.

We talked about the book and she seemed not to be bothered by it. In fact, she told me regularly how sorry she was for her absences and bad behavior throughout my life and that she was proud of me for taking it in the direction I had.

I knew it was hard for her to hear some of the things I had to say, but she agreed that they needed to be said and seemed to be trying her best to make amends.

She said, (and I quote) “ I know I wasn’t the best mother, but I hope you know that I always loved you”

I know she loves me, that is not the surprising part. What surprised me was her admission of guilt about everything. Never in all my years has she ever taken full responsibility for her actions. It was always someone else’s fault she was the way she was. This new attitude of owning her mistakes and making amends for those she had wronged was something I thought would never happen. I was so proud of her and for a moment (just a moment) I thought that maybe she had really changed this time. I am not saying I was getting my hopes up as much as I have in the past, but the pleasant prospect of finally mending our relationship definitely crossed my mind.

Unfortunately (and sadly expected), I believe I was fooled once again.

It has been almost a week with no response from my mother.

I have sent several messages to her over the last few days and none of them have even been read on her end (messenger tells you).

From previous experience, she usually takes off again after just short of a year after resurfacing, so I can’t say I am surprised, but I will admit that I am disappointed.

Not in the way I used to be, with feelings rooted in abandonment and neglect, but rather disappointment on her behalf. She has had so many chances and reasons to motivate a positive change in her life and she continues to chose to remain the same.

Once again, I let her in to my life and once again she has chosen to throw it all away. Why? That may be a question that will never be answered.

The last time she disappeared, I was devastated.  This time? I am far from devastated.

She is my mother and I love her, but I know that I will be just fine without her in my life. Sure, I will miss her and I have an appropriate amount of worry for her safety, but her actions no longer have the intense impact on my emotional state as they have in the past.

Her leaving is something she will have to live with.

I took a leap of faith by letting her back into my life and I always knew there was a chance it would not work out. I was ready for this possibility before I even sent my first reply to her back in May.

My hope was that she would prove me wrong, but sometimes life just doesn’t work that way.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net