Ghosted

I will keep this short and sweet this morning. Call it another public service announcement from T-Bell if you will, but I cannot go through this day without sharing with you a very important lesson I learned this weekend.

So, Sunday was my birthday. A day that has been hard for me since I was a kid. Mostly because I never knew where my mother was most of the time, which usually meant that as a child, I would spend the whole day wishing and hoping that somehow she would reappear and she never did. So year after year, my heart would break just a little bit more. This year was no different.

You see that is why people don’t understand how important being remembered is to me. For someone who is always forgotten, a simple text or phone call to say happy birthday means more to me than anything in the world. Just once, it would be nice to not be disappointed.

I had such an amazing day on Sunday, so much fun! I went to the car show with Daddy J, which was a blast and then a few of us came back to my place for an impromptu hang session. It was everything I could have asked for and more.

When everyone left, I came back inside and started catching up on my birthday texts 🙂

When I replied to the last one, I realized that two very important people had still not sent me anything? And I don’t mean gifts, I could care less if you buy me anything. Although, my friend Elaine did hit it out of the park this year!!

Two of the people I care for most in the world, showed me just how little they care for me. I kind of expected it from one of them. I know him well enough to know it was not really because he doesn’t care about me, but rather he just cares about himself more. No surprises there, he has been this way his whole life. It doesn’t excuse it (believe me I ate his ass!), but the point is that I know in my heart that he never intended to hurt me.

The other, was a complete surprise. It was someone I thought I could count on, someone I thought valued my presence in their life. Someone I never thought would blow me off, especially on the day he knows I struggle with. We lost touch for years and having him back in my life this last year has been great. It was so refreshing to spend time with someone I could truly be myself around, someone who truly saw me and valued me for all that I am. Which is why, his forgetfulness hurt more than anything I could have imagined.

Now, I try my best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt…Maybe something horrible happened, he lost his phone or a million other acceptable reasons for treating me like garbage. And so, at first, I tried to give him a chance to explain. One simple text from me to say that I was a little hurt. No response.

Okay so now I am worried, maybe something did happen? He doesn’t normally blow me off like this. And then the next day came, still no response.

“What’s the deal man?”

No response.

And that is when the waterworks began. Which pissed me off, because I thought I was done crying over stupid inconsiderate men, but I guess not.

I realized in that moment, that the friendship I thought meant as much to him as it did to me, clearly did not and boy did that sting.

We all screw up, we all forget things, but to not even acknowledge it or me? How cruel is that? Especially coming from someone who deals with the same emotional issues that I do and knows how much his actions would hurt me.

I can take a hint, but at least have the common courtesy to tell me you don’t want me around anymore instead of taking the cowards way out and ghosting me…on my birthday of all days! I deserve more than that, a lot more.

His actions disappointed me more than anyone’s ever have, because I never saw it coming, but I guess I should be thankful for that.

To him, for reminding me that I need to make better choices about who I give my time to. There are those that value me in their life and those that simply use me to fill their time when something better is not available.

And the timing could not be more perfect. As you remember from my last post, I have been taking a long hard look at the people in my life and well, I guess as heart broken as I have been over the last few days, at least I know now where I truly stand with some people.

I am so thankful to the people who remembered me on Sunday (even if FB reminded you, teehee I get it and it still counts).

If it was not for all of you, having been forgotten may have stung a lot worse.

The lesson here, if it’s not yet clear, is that no matter how much you care about someone that doesn’t give them free rain to disrespect you.

And if you are someone on the other end of this, try to remember that no matter how much you don’t care about someone that doesn’t mean your actions do not have the ability to destroy them. Try to be kind, respectful, is it really that hard to allow someone to leave your life with their dignity still intact?

I think not.

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Oh Yes I Can!

So much has happened since Friday’s meltdown that I almost don’t know where to begin, except to say that sometimes everything has to fall apart in order to fall together.

Last week was one of those weeks where everything seemed to go wrong. The details of which don’t really matter. It was just one thing after another until it eventually became too much.

I’ve been doing so well with handling my depression that I was really disappointed in myself that I allowed it to grab hold of me the way it did, but I realize now just how necessary it was to begin this next phase of my life.

I did some much needed re-evaluating of my life and myself this weekend, including the relationships with others and how I am allowing them to impact me and in some cases hold me back.

I was caught up in such a spiral that I knew the only way to do that was to leave my house aka my comfort zone and completely detach from everything and everyone. So, I left Friday afternoon to go camping, left my phone in the car, bought a new notebook & some fancy pens (it’s an addiction 🙂 ) and escaped from it all.

It may have only been 3 days, but I feel like a new and improved me!

I started by centering on the common emotions I feel when I am spiraling and trying to get to the bottom of where and why they have the ability to have such power over me.

We all go through dark times and it is necessary if you want to grow in any way and if none of us know what’s next than is there any other reason to move forward but to grow? I welcome the darkness sometimes, but it is when it takes control that it gets truly scary.

It almost always begins with overwhelming sadness, but isn’t that really what depression is? Why was I so sad? I have a million things to be thankful for, but when I am in those moments of spiraling out of control, I find it hard to reach for any good feeling and I end up in a state of what’s the point? instead.

And that is when it clicked. It is the feelings of hopelessness, unworthiness and lack of purpose that are at the root of it all.  In those moments, I feel as though I have no place in this world, that my life is meaningless. Over the years, I have given so much of myself to others, only to be left behind and so I have this belief inside of me that I am unlovable, unwanted, undervalued and that everyone leaves in the end.

That is simply not true or at least it doesn’t have to be.

This is my life, my time and I need to stop giving so much of myself to other people. Especially those who do not appreciate it or me.

I need to find a way to give my life purpose, not for others, but for myself.

It is much easier said than done of’course, but I was determined to find a way. I don’t want to feel the way I did on Friday ever again. I know that may not be entirely possible right away, but we all have to start somewhere.

The two biggest challenges for me is finding balance, specifically, the balance between work/relationships & personal time, but how?

Let it all go and see what/who stays.

In regards to relationships, I asked myself the following questions:

Who are the people I gravitate the most towards?

Who is there when I really need them?

Who are the people who have shown me (not told me; words are cheap) they really value having me in their life?

Who are the people I feel most drained around? Those I associate with more out of obligation than an actual desire to spend time with them?

What are the relationships that I am putting more effort in than I am receiving?

Those that fall into the first three categories, are my people. Those who fall into the last two are people who have got to go!

It’s time to weed that friend garden and give the energy to those who truly deserve it, instead of wasting it on people who find no value in having me in their life.

Today, I feel refreshed. As though a large weight has been taken from my shoulders.

I didn’t just go over the people in my life, I reviewed my goals for the future, personal and work related. I took a long hard look at my life and the people in it as a whole and I am excited to move forward, even if some folks will not be coming with me.

I have such a better handle on everything now.

It’s like the clouds have finally cleared and I am no longer searching for the sun; I am the sun!

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I Just Can’t

Well, today I hit my breaking point. I feel foolish admitting it, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. You know…this life thing.

In my heart I know that is not true. After all I have been through in my life, is there really anything I can’t overcome?

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t become too much sometimes. There are moments when it feels like everything is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

The search for clarity becomes one of overwhelming defeat and I am left with what seems like nowhere else to go.

It is never just one thing, one emotion, but rather so many it makes my head spin and I can barely catch my breath.

And in some cases, like today, the emotional pain becomes so much that it becomes physical.

The best way I can explain it is this heaviness in my heart. Like someone is standing on my chest as my bones crack beneath their feet.

And the worst part about it is that it is almost as if I feel like I deserve the pain…is that really messed up or what?!

Spiraling this much is actually not that common for me. I have my ups and downs, a little spiral here, a little spiral there, but always manageable.

This time it’s much worse. I haven’t felt this out of control emotionally in a very long time.

I am pretty seasoned at beating my demons but I am only human and there is only so much a person can take before they begin to crumble. And crumbling I am.

I know it will pass eventually and if someone asked what it is I am in need of, I’m not sure…maybe a hug?

Or perhaps just to being held for a moment would make it all okay.

Whatever it is I need, I know it’s not words. I’ve tasted that poison too many times before. Words mean nothing when spoken in vain.

I desperately need action of some sort.

I feel so alone, unvalued & misunderstood.

Again, my rational mind knows that is not true, but I can’t seem to convince the rest of me of the same.

I know it sounds silly but I have this overwhelming feeling that I am simply broken beyond repair.

Unloveable and becoming unable to love.

And not just the romantic kind of love although I’m not sure that will ever be possible again unless I can get a certain someone out of my head.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and take back the confession of my love to him. I would have kept those feelings hidden forever if he hadn’t told me it wasn’t all in my head, that he felt it too, but that’s something else entirely. People change their minds and it’s not like he’s gone from my life. I treasure our friendship, even if it hurts sometimes.

What’s going on is so much more than unrequited love. After all if there is one thing I know how to deal with and very well for that matter, it’s rejection.

I’m sure the longing I feel for him is part of the pain I am experiencing right now, but I’ve been dealing with that for almost a year now. It’s always there under the surface, reminding me of something I will never have.

Today is no different, but there is so much more at play here.

Everything seems to be falling apart around me, including me.

I’m exhausted and angry at myself for being exhausted all at the same time! It’s excruciating.

And the scariest part is this is the first time I’m not quite sure what to do. Normally, I would surrender to the darkness, ride out the wave and revel in how brightly I burn after it all fades.

And then…it would all become art.

This time there is not a doubt in my mind that surrendering is the opposite of what I should do this time.

How do I know this?

Because the last time I felt this way, I did and well if you’ve been following along all I have to say is…it’s only happened twice before and it wasn’t pretty.

So what do I do?

The only thing I can think of.

To step back from it all, from everyone and re-evaluate my life.

Where am I going? What am I doing? Do I stay or do I go?

It’s time to answer those questions.

The search for the answers will be a much needed distraction and when I find myself struggling, I just have to focus on all the positive things in my life.

Even though they feel hard to grasp right now, I know I have the power to rise above it.

I just need to find my strength again.

I Wonder

I know what it’s like not to be wanted.

I wonder what it would be like to be desired?

Would the broken pieces begin to somehow fit back together or are they destined to remain, jagged edged graves paying tribute to the past?

I know how much it hurts to be left behind.

I wonder how amazing it would be if someone decided to stay?

To choose me? For my presence in someones life to be something worth fighting for?

I know what it takes to lie to yourself. So convincingly, that even you believe for a moment it won’t always feel this way.

I know what it feels like to be a familiar comfort to someone you wish you didn’t love.

I know what it’s like to struggle in their presence. To feel as though you can’t hold it together for another minute.

The absence of love’s reciprocation rising like an impending storm just on the horizon.

You see, knowledge has a way of seeping in sometimes. Reminding you of all the things, you will never hear him say and most of all, that he too, will never stay.

It is in the moments after when all illusions fade.

There is no denying the truth.

In the end, everyone leaves.

So the big question is, what am I fighting for? What is the lesson in all of this and what is the point of learning it if we all become worm food in the end?

And that is when it really becomes hard to keep moving forward.

I know what it feels like to want to crawl inside yourself, to build up the walls, to put on the mask.

I know what it feels like to wish that tomorrow would never come.

Not because you want to die, but simply because it is the only way you can see of ending the pain.

I’ve been there, on the verge.

Starring down at the metal resting on my skin.

For a moment, I feel in control.

And I wonder… how I would be remembered? Will I be remembered? And if so, by whom?

And then I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice I was gone? Days, weeks, months? A year?

 

No Hero

I wish I was better at quieting my mind or at least cancelling out the somewhat whimsical daydreams of all that I desire.

Just sometimes…in moments like these.

Maybe then the challenge of living without expectation wouldn’t be so much of a struggle.

I cannot help knowing what I want and more frustratingly that I do not have it or the feeling that I never will.

I lecture myself with reality in the hopes that it will be enough to make everything I feel simply fade away.

But it doesn’t seem to help.

Not sometimes…in moments like these.

When I am alone, wishing to be rescued from the wars on my heart.

Filled with the hope that someone, someday, will choose me.

But there is no hero in this story. No valiant knight fighting for my cause; to be loved.

The sun is saying goodbye now and my will doubly so.

If only the truth was a liar, sent to test my loyalty in this amorous charade.

Maybe then I would I rise triumphant from these ashes to be the great conqueror of disappointment and neglect.

A prize worth winning, something wanted, something cherished.

More than just a convenience collecting dust on the shelf.

The loneliness feels thicker somehow. As if the coldness of its reminder has stiffened my joints. I am finding it hard to move, to try, to care.

For tomorrow will only be the same.

Another day in the darkness, fighting these demons inside my head.

And so, I close my eyes, and desperately beg for the sweet release of sleep.