Sometimes I Just Can’t

Well, today I hit my breaking point. I feel foolish admitting it, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. You know…this life thing.

In my heart I know that is not true. After all I have been through in my life, is there really anything I can’t overcome?

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t become too much sometimes. There are moments when it feels like everything is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

The search for clarity becomes one of overwhelming defeat and I am left with what seems like nowhere else to go.

It is never just one thing, one emotion, but rather so many it makes my head spin and I can barely catch my breath.

And in some cases, like today, the emotional pain becomes so much that it becomes physical.

The best way I can explain it is this heaviness in my heart. Like someone is standing on my chest as my bones crack beneath their feet.

And the worst part about it is that it is almost as if I feel like I deserve the pain…is that really messed up or what?!

Spiraling this much is actually not that common for me. I have my ups and downs, a little spiral here, a little spiral there, but always manageable.

This time it’s much worse. I haven’t felt this out of control emotionally in a very long time.

I am pretty seasoned at beating my demons but I am only human and there is only so much a person can take before they begin to crumble. And crumbling I am.

I know it will pass eventually and if someone asked what it is I am in need of, I’m not sure…maybe a hug?

Or perhaps just to being held for a moment would make it all okay.

Whatever it is I need, I know it’s not words. I’ve tasted that poison too many times before. Words mean nothing when spoken in vain.

I desperately need action of some sort.

I feel so alone, unvalued & misunderstood.

Again, my rational mind knows that is not true, but I can’t seem to convince the rest of me of the same.

I know it sounds silly but I have this overwhelming feeling that I am simply broken beyond repair.

Unloveable and becoming unable to love.

And not just the romantic kind of love although I’m not sure that will ever be possible again unless I can get a certain someone out of my head.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and take back the confession of my love to him. I would have kept those feelings hidden forever if he hadn’t told me it wasn’t all in my head, that he felt it too, but that’s something else entirely. People change their minds and it’s not like he’s gone from my life. I treasure our friendship, even if it hurts sometimes.

What’s going on is so much more than unrequited love. After all if there is one thing I know how to deal with and very well for that matter, it’s rejection.

I’m sure the longing I feel for him is part of the pain I am experiencing right now, but I’ve been dealing with that for almost a year now. It’s always there under the surface, reminding me of something I will never have.

Today is no different, but there is so much more at play here.

Everything seems to be falling apart around me, including me.

I’m exhausted and angry at myself for being exhausted all at the same time! It’s excruciating.

And the scariest part is this is the first time I’m not quite sure what to do. Normally, I would surrender to the darkness, ride out the wave and revel in how brightly I burn after it all fades.

And then…it would all become art.

This time there is not a doubt in my mind that surrendering is the opposite of what I should do this time.

How do I know this?

Because the last time I felt this way, I did and well if you’ve been following along all I have to say is…it’s only happened twice before and it wasn’t pretty.

So what do I do?

The only thing I can think of.

To step back from it all, from everyone and re-evaluate my life.

Where am I going? What am I doing? Do I stay or do I go?

It’s time to answer those questions.

The search for the answers will be a much needed distraction and when I find myself struggling, I just have to focus on all the positive things in my life.

Even though they feel hard to grasp right now, I know I have the power to rise above it.

I just need to find my strength again.

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The Fool

I can feel myself beginning to cave

Resigning to the doubt that lingers in my mind

The voice that tells me not to bother

That I am a fool

That it’s all in my head

And the others

Who remind me of the feeling

The connection

The spark

Surely it must be true

The way that I feel

When I am with you

But I have been wrong before

More than a time or two

And So…

I chose to take no notice

Make no move

If I am what you’re wanting

It’s all up to you

A New Relationship

I am not quite sure when it really began, but somewhere along the way my relationship (or lack there of) with love has become one of constant disappointment.

I look around at all these couples and I think to myself, I wonder what it would be like? To be chosen…and not just for the moment, which is usually about as long as anyone stays…but with the intention of forever.

What would it be like to be more than an afterthought to the person who holds your heart in their hands?

At this rate, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. Unless I find a way to start telling a new story.

Perhaps it all started when my mother left me the first time. Did I begin creating this idea that I was unlovable way back then?

Or maybe it was the man I dated when I was 15 who mentally & physically abused me until there was barely any fight left.

Or my best friend in high-school who knew how much I loved him and used me over and over again because he knew he could. Until one day, I overheard him telling a friend he was so desperate to find someone that he may have to settle with me.

All of those years, while I was struggling to understand what it meant to love and be loved, I was experiencing it with all the wrong people.

I thought I loved those people, but I realize now, I was just trying to figure out how to love and the lessons I learned with them didn’t give me much in the way of positive perspectives.

Then there was the sexual assault when I was in college, which obviously did a bit of damage to my psyche, but it is not like that was something I hadn’t dealt with before.

The before mentioned man I dated when I was 15 used to shove my face into a pillow and force himself on me and not just in the usual way if you know what I mean. I used to pray that he would end up smothering me to death so it would all just be over.

And I am not trying to throw myself a pity party here, honestly! I just really want to get to the bottom of all of this in order to end the cycle.

Even if I end up alone, it would be a whole hell of a lot better than continuing this pattern of falling for the wrong men or chasing after someone who has no desire to be caught…well at least not by me.

I survived all of that, all of those people and believe it or not I found a way to not only love someone, but to love myself.

Sure the man I loved turned out to be gay and every man I loved after him walked away…but the point is that I rose above it all.

Which is why I know I can beat this, I just need to figure out how.

I used to think it was because I wasn’t thin enough or pretty enough to be important to anyone or at least not permanently, but instead, merely a place holder until something better came along.

However, I am no longer without self-worth. I know it has nothing to do with me physically.

And from what I have been told by those I’ve dated previously, I was one of the easiest going people they had ever been with. I am independent, self-assured, intelligent and extremely laid back. I am on good terms with nearly all of them and several have even returned with the intention to try it again, so what is the deal?!

All of those relationships ended purely because of incapability and that is just how life goes. That is not what I am frustrated about.

It is all those I have loved who, well…to put it bluntly, felt I was only good enough to play with or dangle on a string, but never enough to call girlfriend.

They are the ones I allowed to break me so many times. And I say allowed, because I did it all to myself and it needs to stop.

The truth is, as much as it hurts to stand face to face with someone who means more to you than they will ever know, it’s not their fault. They can’t help it if they don’t love you, just like you can’t help that you do love them.

I know I have said this before, but it will always be worth repeating.

“…the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious…please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you?….Exactly.”

I think remembering this may be the key to breaking the cycle.

You see, I have wasted years in waiting, hanging on to false hope from kind words that were never anything more than the brush off.

I have been “brushed off” so to say more times than I really want to admit and in looking back, in most cases that was a good thing. I mean do I really want to be with someone who has any hesitation as to how they feel about me? Seems kinda dumb now when I put it like that…

I may not be able to help who I love, but I can certainly save myself a bit of heart break and time for that matter if I would just take my own advice.

The bottom line is that when you love someone, no matter the circumstances, if they love you back, I mean really love you back, there will be nothing to force and you shouldn’t need to question it.

If you are, than it’s time to move on. If it’s meant to be, love will follow, if not, something better is most likely just around the corner.

 

 

I Wonder

I know what it’s like not to be wanted.

I wonder what it would be like to be desired?

Would the broken pieces begin to somehow fit back together or are they destined to remain, jagged edged graves paying tribute to the past?

I know how much it hurts to be left behind.

I wonder how amazing it would be if someone decided to stay?

To choose me? For my presence in someones life to be something worth fighting for?

I know what it takes to lie to yourself. So convincingly, that even you believe for a moment it won’t always feel this way.

I know what it feels like to be a familiar comfort to someone you wish you didn’t love.

I know what it’s like to struggle in their presence. To feel as though you can’t hold it together for another minute.

The absence of love’s reciprocation rising like an impending storm just on the horizon.

You see, knowledge has a way of seeping in sometimes. Reminding you of all the things, you will never hear him say and most of all, that he too, will never stay.

It is in the moments after when all illusions fade.

There is no denying the truth.

In the end, everyone leaves.

So the big question is, what am I fighting for? What is the lesson in all of this and what is the point of learning it if we all become worm food in the end?

And that is when it really becomes hard to keep moving forward.

I know what it feels like to want to crawl inside yourself, to build up the walls, to put on the mask.

I know what it feels like to wish that tomorrow would never come.

Not because you want to die, but simply because it is the only way you can see of ending the pain.

I’ve been there, on the verge.

Starring down at the metal resting on my skin.

For a moment, I feel in control.

And I wonder… how I would be remembered? Will I be remembered? And if so, by whom?

And then I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice I was gone? Days, weeks, months? A year?

 

Nothing But A Convenience

You have no understanding of it now,

How much I needed…

You.

For a moment,

To say you Felt it.

To remind me that despite the fear…

You still craved it,

The way I do.

That I was worth it.

That I meant something…

To you.

But instead,

You said nothing,

Felt nothing,

And now I am lost,

Alone in my head.

Knowing…

That to you

I just didn’t matter,

Nope,

Just not that much.

and so…

I leave you.

Abandoned again,

Oh my foolish heart.

For there is no love for me there.

Here, or anywhere.

I am,

Just a convenience to his story

In which I never hold a leading role.