I haven’t yet, but I will.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about how when we were younger and a guy we were dating treated us well, we would instantly no longer find him attractive. And the ones who treated us like dirt, we fell madly in love with.

I mean what rational person behaves like that? You are basically screwing yourself from the get go!

And then we wonder why all of our relationships fail?! Really?!

Does it really make sense that someone you were originally attracted to for being a jerk would all of the sudden become the thoughtful person you originally pushed away.

Having been that way most of my life, I realize now that any relationship I have ever been in was founded on unrealistic expectations. All of which were not communicated to the other person.

I came to this conclusion a few years ago when I was doing some major rehab on myself. And I swore that I would make a great effort moving forward to stop expecting and start enjoying.

I also made the decision to stay single until I learned to appreciate the value in it. I was a serial monogamist for years, jumping from one relationship to the next without taking the time in-between to evaluate where the previous one went wrong and what I needed to work on myself.

It was not fair to the person I was dating or to myself.

I have learned so much about myself over the past few years. The most important of which is that my happiness should never be considered the responsibility of another. That has always led to co-dependency and failure in my relationships.

I have also learned not to take things so personally. I mean let’s be honest, people don’t always say what they mean or they may in the moment, but in the light of day, everything changes.

I am a very strong willed and sometimes stubborn person. Partnered with my independence and the magnitude by which I feel, it can be a lot to handle. It always seems like a good idea in the beginning, but it is never very long before the opposite sex turns and runs in the other direction.

I used to internalize this as there being something wrong with me. Maybe I was just unlovable?!

It took a long time for me to realize that was simply not true.

I am not unlovable, I was just not meant to be loved by them.

And I know this now because I have been loved and I mean truly loved. For all my faults, through all my mistakes, unconditionally, I have been loved. It was a very long time ago, which is perhaps why for so long I forgot it was possible to find that again.

I haven’t yet, but I will.

And until then, I am content.

I know now that I am cut from a very different cloth. I am not the usual run of the mill gal and loving me is not a task for the weak.

I also know in my heart that behind the scenes, everything is falling into place.

There is nothing I need to do, when the time is right, I know our paths will cross. And it is important that they do not cross too early. Have you ever met someone and thought to yourself that had the timing been different, it could have been perfect. But for one reason or another, one or both of you were just not ready for the intensity of what you shared.

As I am growing and becoming more myself, I am sure that person is doing the same. Meeting now could mean preventing ourselves from lessons we are still meant to learn.

And besides, the main focus for me at this point in time is staying true to myself. Something that has been a challenge in the past when sharing my life with another.

After all, we are no good to anyone if we have not found a way to be comfortable in our own skin.

It was a rarity and a blessing back then to have found someone with whom I could walk that path. We were so young and our love so strong that nothing else mattered. And although we have both chosen to walk a different path, he will always be the one who gave me the courage to be myself.

Our love is different now and in many ways stronger. He is not a lover, nor would I want him to be or could he be. The story of how we came to this place is a long one and I am saving that for the pages of my next book, but let’s just say that he and I have the same taste… in men. 🙂

The last few months have been hard. I have struggled with the same feelings of inadequacy in love and after the most recent heart break, I really thought I would never feel unbroken.

But I do.

Now, I do.

I have been fortunate enough to find the strength to pick myself up (once again!) and move forward. I have been able to look back on the situation and see it for what it truly was…not meant to be.

He was the first person, I found comfort in after a very long stint of being alone. I could see his potential, but he could not. He was important to me, but I was not to him. And you know what? That is not his fault and it is not mine. My feelings for him changed, as I changed. He changed me.

That was more than a month ago now and I can honestly say that I have no ill feelings. He was doing the best he could with what he had at the time and that is all I could have expected from him.

As I said before, I know now that I am cut from a very different cloth and loving me is not a task for the weak.

I have been loved and I mean truly loved. For all my faults, through all my mistakes, unconditionally, I have been loved. It was a very long time ago, which is perhaps why for so long I forgot it was possible to find that again.

I haven’t yet, but I will.

And until then, I am content just being me.

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Silence

The silence thickens as the echoes of laughter slowly fade

I do not remember the quiet tasting quite this bitter

And it’s heavy now 

This feeling in my chest

Yet it is not like before 

Nothing is 

So I close my eyes and drift away to a place I never thought existed.

A place where I am no longer the fool

And there is nothing to be done.

Where the distance between happiness and loneliness grows closer 

Until I am all consumed by the sweet release of sleep.

I Am Among The Strange

As you all know, I have been struggling with how to begin writing the next installment of Insane Roots; my story. And it truly is my story.

This time, it is more than a collection of memories from my childhood woven together with emotion and neatly printed on a page.

That was merely the foundation for the person I am today. The things I have experienced do not define me. Sure, they had something to do with the end result, but we all feel heartbreak. That in itself is not unique.

The real story, is how I came to find myself along the way.

It is in the journey of discovering my inner strength.

I have felt broken more than a time or two in my life, but every time, I manage to find the courage to pick myself up and move forward. THAT defines me!

Sometimes I may only muster up enough to put on my mask long enough to get through the day, but the point is that I do it.

Over and over again, I do it.

On the inside, I may be falling apart, but to the rest of the world, I have it all together.

Telling that story, means baring my soul. It means, sharing my darkest secret.

The secret…that deep beneath the surface lies someone they will never understand.

She doesn’t think like you. She doesn’t love like you and most of all, she doesn’t understand you.

This person goes out into the world each day hidden behind a mask of social acceptance.

Sometimes it is the only thing that gets them to tomorrow.

And let me be clear, I am not talking about just putting on a happy face. My closest friends can see right through that!

It’s something more. Something only another person wearing one would understand (and I’ve only met one in my life).

I alluded to it once in a poem and it is perhaps the best explanation I can give to the reasoning behind wearing the mask.

For A Moment – Insane Roots 8.30.17 (excerpt)

“Sometimes I feel as though I was not meant for this world

But rather a lonely spectator

Watching in the shadows

As the lives of others pass me by

Perhaps in another time

Or another place

Somewhere between tomorrow and today

I am lost

wandering alone

among the mysteries of the universe

…”

To sum it up, it is the feeling of constantly searching for your place in a world that will never understand you.

You are different and that is all there is to it.

There comes a day when you realize that you are among the strange. Unique to the composition of your current reality.

The intensity by which you feel will frighten even the bravest of lovers. So you walk alone.

Knowing in your heart that no one is coming to save you. That job is entirely yours.

And maybe there is more to all of this.

Maybe I am lingering in the doorway to something beyond our current human constructs… or maybe it is simply that I was never meant to be understood.

 

 

 

 

Come Bother Me

Before I begin my next prose, I would like to say that it is not about any one person in particular. I am a writer, it is what I do.

It takes the smallest of sparks to make my pen quiver. It could be a song that I heard or the memory of a feeling I had long ago. And on occasion it will relate to something that I am experiencing. Although, that is not always the case.

I find that I feel things on such a deep level that just about anything can spawn a moment of connection with the written word.

For example, I watched the sweetest movie last night; The Choice. From the author of The Notebook, it is another beautiful story about the courage it takes to love someone.

And the rewards we receive by never giving up. It is a total chick flick yes, but not the typical run of the mill love story. It is one about hope and connection to something beyond ourselves.

There are two lines in the movie that  inspired the words you are about to read.

The first, “Come bother me baby.”

A simple phrase, but it says so much. I think we have all had that person at one time or another in our lives that has bugged us to no end!

And not in the way that a child bothers their mother, but rather that person that for reasons beyond your understanding just gets under your skin…and you kind of like it.

You don’t want to like it, but you do.

It is as though there is an internal struggle happening between your mind and your soul. Your mind is telling you they are bad news, but your soul is telling you that they are the one.

The best relationships I have had were the ones that were less than perfect. I don’t want someone who is going to bend the knee. A man who will cave the minute a tear rolls down my face.

I want someone who challenges me, someone who gets under my skin, knocks me out of my comfort zone and forces me to be vulnerable.

Part of building a life together is about growing with one another. It is seeing the potential in someone and wanting nothing more than for them to see it too.

The other line from the movie that stuck with me was, “There is no shame in being a broken man. You just pick up the pieces and start putting your life back together.”

We are all weak at times and we all have felt broken.

In these moments of our lives, we must turn to hope and that inner voice telling us where to go next. In my opinion, that is why meditation is so important.

In times when I feel lost or broken if you will, I meditate.

It is a way to calm my mind and allow that inner voice to be heard above the noise of overthinking.

You see, I believe we are all part of a much greater purpose. The plans of which can not be understood from within the constructs of or current world.

We must instead, take a leap of faith and follow our hearts. Trusting our inner guidance to show us the way. Many times the path may be of great challenge and at times painful, but it is all necessary.

For living in a place of fear will only leave one feeling lonely and unfulfilled. Sometimes we need to take the plunge in order to find great clarity on the other side of pain.

Keeping yourself closed off from love may seem like the best course of action in preventing heartache, but I can tell you from experience that it is not.

You are not keeping yourself safe, you are setting yourself up for a life that is filled with a great deal more disappointment and struggle than any failed attempt at love.

In the process of building those walls, you are not just keeping everyone else out. You are severing the connection between your heart and mind. Mark my words…eventually, you will lose yourself. I did.

And coming back from that was more painful than anything I have ever felt.

And on that note, here is my poem about no one in particular.

I knew it was you.

From the moment you looked at me that way.

As though you were bathing in my soul.

Awakening a part of me that I was not sure I wanted to be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me.

I knew that you could see me

And I was not quite ready to be seen.

Something in my heart assured me

That this was it.

The love I had been searching for all my life.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

My faults

My mistakes

And the scars on my heart.

I could see it then

That you

You would forgive them all.

And then it occurred to me

I have never known a love like that.

Undeniably strong

And unwavering.

A love that would surely break me

Should it ever go away.

I decided it would be easier

To run away and hide.

To push you away

And refuse to believe

That it could ever work out.

But it wouldn’t go away.

The harder I pushed

And the further I ran

The more I felt it

Pulling at my heart.

Until I caved.

Wanting nothing more than you

Against my better judgement

I came to you.

Vulnerable and scared

I let go.

Over taken by passion

We became one

As I knew we would.

And when it was over

I felt more fear

Than I had ever thought possible.

Until the idea of losing you

Became my only motivation.

And so I ran

Once again

I ran.

Far away from the possibility of regret

Or so I thought.

Surely I was not worthy…

Of the way you loved.

Without condition

For all that I am.

But something in my heart

Just wouldn’t let you go.

It was undeniable

You and I

And as much as I wanted to believe

It would all fall apart

In the deep recesses of my soul

There was no doubt

That it would all work out.

You awoke something in me

Something I wasn’t sure should be disturbed.

It bothered me

The way you knew me

Like no one else.

The undeniable knowing

That you were the one.

The realization

That all I really wanted

Was for you to bother me

For the rest of my life.

 

Life is too short and our time on this earth unknown. For that reason alone, I beg of you all to put fear aside and follow your hearts. And when you fall, pick yourself right back up again and keep going.

Only you have the power to change your life and wouldn’t you rather risk the heart break if there was a possibility of finding true happiness? If you have ever been in love and I mean real love, then you know…it really is worth it.

I Beg Your Pardon

In the split of a moment

I felt you

Leaning into me

Frightened and trembling

With the passion

Of a thousand love songs

But I

I asked you for nothing

And you

Just for a moment

You gave me your world

I know it’s scary

Promising someone your life

Even now

From within the darkness of regret

But I never asked you for that

I never asked you to let go

In the past

All I ever wanted was you

Your love

I lived in the possibilities

Of all that could have been

And then

I let it all go

Moved on

With the understanding

That it was just not meant to be

You may be no Prince Charming

No Savior

Riding steady on your stallion

Charging in to win my heart

I know that you are broken

Wound by a love

That left you far behind

But for me

You

You were my only regret

I should have handled things differently

Living with the pieces of us

And still

I crave you

Not as before

This feeling…

This feeling is new

From within this moment

No strings attached

Just your skin

upon my skin

Telling secrets in the dark

No emotions to answer to in the morning

No one here to change our minds

You see

I have come to the conclusion

That you and I

In the amazing moments of us

Would stand strong

So strong

But we always end up here

Drowning beneath the broken possibilities

You and I

We could have been something

But I

I set that aside

No love allowed I told you

Just you and I

In the heat of the moment

Filling the voids

Within our hearts

But still

Still you ran

Taking my breath away

Although not like before

It’s different now

This sadness I hold

For it is no longer my own

But rather

For you

And

How broken you choose to be