Blinded by Hope

Oh what a fool…

Those who give their hearts to another.

The sweet taste of deception on their breath.

A child I was

In those all too gracious hands.

A beautiful love

Struck down in its prime by fear

Never to know it’s true potential

It’s power

It’s magnificence.

Drained 

Battered

And bruised.

Not by its failure.

But rather

A baracade of bruises 

Broken hearts

And all together

Awful things.

A fight for love 

Is not a path for the weak

The weary

Or the insecure.

It is a dual for the chosen

A proud moment in time.

One where love conquers all

And all fear is shattered.

It is a love worth fighting for

A future worth the risk.

A battle for the determined

The diligent

The true.

Great love 

Does not stem from the willing

The easy

The meek.

It blooms from the weary

The forgotten

The wronged.

For only they 

Know the true value 

In all they have yet to love.

A Refreshing Change is in Your Future

Good Morning! I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep. I woke up bursting with inspiration to write. Which is pretty amazing considering it has been a very long time since I felt the inspiration to do much of anything!

The last few months my life has been in complete upheaval. I have pushed my limits emotionally and physically. And I have been left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed for a number of reasons.

My current job is very demanding and although it may seem easy to some to simply walk away at the end of the work day or take a day off without worrying about the aftermath. For me, that is not an option. I take a great deal of pride in my work, so if there is still work to do my day does not end and many times my weekends never get started. It’s great for my employer, but not so great for me as I am beginning to realize. I enjoy my job and I love the people I work with, but I need to find some type of resolution to this before I get burned out.

I spend all day on the computer, so needless to say I have not felt much like jumping back on at the end of the day and writing. However, I forgot how important it was to my mental health to do just that. Writing is a way to center myself. A way to stay in tune with who I am and where I want to go from here. In the absence of it, I begin to lose myself.

Without regular reflection, I begin to fall back into old patterns and the great deal of progress I have made over the last few years begins to fade.

Well enough is enough! Every day we are faced with conflicts and challenges, that is a given. However, we do not need to allow them to rule us. There is a balance in everything and I just need to find it. How you ask?

The first step…just breathe…in with the good and out with the bad. Rather than having a mini meltdown over whatever is bothering me, I need to take a moment to take a deep breath and center myself before tackling whatever obstacle is in my way. The problem will still be there, but I will be better able to deal with it after a moment of catching my breath.

Dyer would say, “The morning has secrets to tell…don’t go back to sleep.”

Perhaps that was the reason for waking up at 4 AM bursting with inspiration today! Kind of a way of putting myself in check before tackling the tasks at hand 🙂

Getting Back in the Groove

Let the new chapter begin!

Since September, my life has been in transition. I have had so many things going on that it has been hard to get back in my usual groove. I used to blog two to three times per week and most of the time I didn’t struggle much with what to write. A lot of the time, I would wake in the morning bursting with things to say. As if they had spent the whole night bubbling to the surface. More recently that has not been the case. Call it a rut if you will, but whatever is going on, I needed to find a resolution.

I think a lot of it is that I have been traveling so much. I am never in one place for more than two weeks before it is on to the next. It was exhilarating at first, but after three months I am over it. Don’t get me wrong, I love traveling when it involves exploring the places I have never been.  But let’s be honest, I had my fair share of that growing up with my mother.

Perhaps that is why I somewhat treasure the routine, those quiet moments in each day that hold familiarity and comfort. Waking at dawn, conversing over coffee or a simple pause to catch my breath. I have great respect for those who can manage such a busy lifestyle. I guess you never know until you try and now I know that it is just not for me. Traveling once every two months, sure, but every two weeks? Ya not my cup of tea! However, I value the experience, for without it I would have never known.

I hold great excitement for the months to come. For I have redefined my life. I have taken charge just as I said I would and everything finally seems to be falling into place. And now, it is time to get back in the groove!

What a better place to start than to pick up where I left off in the research for my 2nd book. Three months ago I wrote to you in regards to the challenges I was facing Playing Detective.

My mother is still currently missing as she was during the time the second book takes place. Not a word from her to anyone in over 4 months. At the end of Insane Roots: The Adventures of a Con-Artist And Her Daughter, she had left for what would end up being over 4 years, one of her longest disappearances. It is almost as if the timing could not be more perfect, as if we have come full circle.

I know that if I do see her again, it will not be for many years. And much like now, pinpointing her whereabouts will be dependent on determining what name she was using at that time. And not until after her reappearance will I be able to back track through court records and sift through her aliases to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Unlike my first memoir, this would be the first time she had left me behind by choice. There are no memories to fit together, no stories from relatives or friends to help formulate a picture of that time.

The only information I have to start with is the day she left and a rough estimate of the day she reappeared. So far, I have managed to link several names to corresponding lives and a multitude of stories she has told me over the years. I created a timeline of my own life during that time already in which I plan to incorporate these findings.

My original plan was to write the book in tandem,  by using journal entries from my younger self partnered with the “adventures” of my mother.  The basis of this format was drawn from the fact that the journals I kept at that time were essentially a letter to my mother, hence the working title: Dear Mom.

However as the writing process continues, I am not quite sure that this going to work. First of all, have you ever read a teenage girls high school journals before or your own for that matter? It can be very sobering. Granted, I was going through a lot at that time, but if I am being honest, I was extremely dramatic. I guess we all are at that  age though!

Anyway, I decided after the first few pages that perhaps my original plan was not the best one. I still like the idea of including some of the journal entries to give the reader the raw sense of what I was feeling at that time and how I overcame it, but maybe just not all of them.

Then comes the challenge of finding out just what my mother was doing during the time she was missing. I think that maybe I should just keep my focus on that for now. After all, once that is done then all I really have to do is put it all together and write from my heart. Which is what comes natural to me and gives me the greatest joy.

If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I contacted the US Marshall’s office about getting a list of aliases, but no one ever called me back. Not surprising considering they most likely have more important things going on. Although she is a federally wanted fugitive, so I thought they might consider it helpful to have someone else on the trail 🙂

Either way, I am not going to rush it. I am sure it will all fall together when the time is right. So for now, I will just keep pushing forward.

How Important is Alone Time?

I have had a lot going on these past few weeks and by the time this weekend hit, I could really feel it taking a toll. It was time to re-evaluate my life and my priorities. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t have some alone time to reflect on things, I begin to feel a bit anxious. Perhaps it is because I have spoiled myself over the last two years by making this time a priority. I know that I am no good for anyone or anything if I am not taking care of myself mentally and physically.

My loyal and ambitious nature can sometimes be my own destruction. I have this idea that I can do everything for everyone and once I start something I have to finish it! This is great for my friends, family and employers, but it is not always as great for me.

Although it is good to be dependable, it is necessary to know your limits and when the time comes to speak up for yourself despite the consequences.

I know I can do anything I put my mind to and I also know that in order to do so, I must have a clear head. And in order for me to have a clear head, it is very important that I have some alone time to organize my thoughts.

I struggle with an aim to please everyone and in many cases this results in taking on too much. As well as putting my personal needs on the back burner. I have thought long and hard about the road ahead and I have come to the conclusion that I am ready for a change.

As my life currently stands, I am spending the majority of my time working on the non-creative aspects of my life. It is daunting and at times very stressful. There is very little time in my day to be creative, inspired or constructive in my growth; much like the life I escaped in moving from Wisconsin in 2014. How did I fall back into the same patterns again? And more importantly, how do I get out of them? That is something I needed some alone time to figure out.

According to an article by Sherrie Bourg Carter in Psychology Today, the constant motion of daily life can hinder deep thinking and the ability to effectively work through one’s personal life challenges. Constant distractions such as meetings, phone calls and incoming emails cause tasks to take longer to complete and therefore make the work day less productive.

2. Solitude helps to improve concentration and increase productivityWhen you remove as many distractions and interruptions as you can from your day, you are better able to concentrate, which will help you get more work done in a shorter amount of time.. – Sherrie Bourg Carter

This may not be true for everyone, but it definitely is for me. When I am working from home with no distractions, I am way more efficient. Unnecessary meetings, phone calls or emails marked as important (when they are not) drive me nuts. Why spend time stressing/talking about what you need to get done instead of just doing it? I know there is a need for these things sometimes, but eliminating the unnecessary clears up time to do what is.

Time is precious and finite. And for that reason, I find it absolutely necessary to prioritize accordingly. Know what is important to you and put that at the top of your list. What a better way to do that than to have some much needed alone time. A moment of solitude, free from distractions, revitalizes the mind and helps those creative juices flow!

In doing so today, I have gained a better understanding of my true desire for my life moving forward. I will take the next two weeks to think it over, but I am pretty sure I have figured out what I would like my life to look like from here on out. It is not what one would call “ordinary”, but that is not a word I like very much anyway. How boring to be ordinary. I’d rather strive to be extraordinary!

Sometimes it takes a wrench being thrown into the mix to help you see more clearly and to remind you that you are in control of your own life. When you give this power to others, you hinder yourself from greatness.

Now go out there and seize the day! 🙂