It is a strange thing; this life.

I am writing to you today from within a fleeting moment of ease.

I don’t know how long it will last or how long it will be before my perception begins to blur, but these moments are scarce at best these days and therefore something to cherish.

It is a strange thing; this life.

A collection of moments woven together through emotional experiences. Creating the unique tapestry we cloak ourselves in for the entirety of our lives.

Seemingly so simple at times, almost mundane.

A settled routine providing much needed comfort in an otherwise chaotic world.

And then other times…it knocks the wind out of you. Sending you into a tale spin so fast all you can do is hold on tight and pray it is over soon.

Up until this week, I had been feeling pretty easy about things. Sure, I was still working through some emotional scars, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.

And then, before I knew what was happening, manageable took a nose dive into sheer and utter chaos!

Before I knew it, I was behind in every aspect of my life! I won’t bore you with too many of the details (after all we all have our stuff). Basically, I went out of town on business, got sick and per the usual over extended myself on all levels. 😦

Due to a series of unfortunate events, I was behind on yard work, personal projects, social obligations, work obligations, you name it. And when I say behind I mean like a few days for most stuff. Which I’m sure sounds silly to most people, but for someone like me it is an emotional trigger.

I know that I have issues with needing acceptance from others to validate my own self worth and this last week was a perfect example of why that is such an unhealthy habit to have.

I woke up Monday feeling like death and my boss even gave me the okay to take it easy and rest up.

Nice right? Ya, she is amazing 🙂

Unfortunately, the universe had a different plan. All at once emails, phone calls, and notifications began pouring in.

At first I remained calm as I usually do. I began answering each in the order it was received (my normal MO) and repeated the mantra:

“Inspiration will come and I will get it done!”

 

Again, may sound silly, but all a mantra really is, is a way for you to take your mind away from worry (producing negative feelings) and realign you to a more positive manageable place.

Like I said, it worked for a while.

Until, people started getting antsy!

One negative to punctuality is that you end up setting an expectation. People are not used to waiting more than a few hours to receive a response from me, so when it is approaching the day mark they begin to wonder if I received their email.

So now Jane Smith’s one email and one phone call just turned into more emails and more phone calls.

And the list grows….

Every new request felt like someone placing another barbell on my chest.

All the while a portion of my mind was still focused on the previous heartbreak I was already dealing with and making a list of all of the personal tasks I had still not tended to.

It was too much.

And I had been here before; a bitter sweet realization.

The complete shut down. Depression.

Seeing as I am a frequent traveler through the town of The Overwhelmed , I knew I would be able to climb back out of it, but the question was how long would that take and was there a way to speed up the process?

So yesterday, after work ended, I decided to turn off  my phone. At this point, I knew social interaction was an absolute no go. Especially considering how emotionally vulnerable I was feeling. I even posted a message on FB letting everyone know that I was detaching so no one would worry when I didn’t respond to their calls/texts. Basically my way of saying, “I love you all, but please leave me alone!!”.

So I stayed up to 4 AM getting caught up on work. It wasn’t like I was going to sleep anyway! 🙂

And besides, it was worth the peace of mind it gave me when I started back up today.

Now… I have finished work and for the first time in almost a month I finally felt like writing, well more so I felt like sharing.

In a world where the list of aliments is never ending, I don’t think many people understand how diverse & debilitating depression is. And more importantly, how to properly give those suffering from it the support or in many cases the distance they need.

Before I gained the mechanisms to deal with my depression, tale spins such as the one I just described could have lasted much longer or resulted in a more serious outcome.

As unhealthy as it can be sometimes to love others more than yourself, in the case of depression it can sometimes prevent you from taking it to the extreme. I know what something like taking my own life would do to the ones I care about, so for me that will never be an option on the table. I am blessed in that respect. My struggle is my savior.

I have also had the benefit of studying psychology and as with most psych majors, the first person I picked apart was myself 🙂 Not everyone is as blessed to have this advantage.

I guess the point I am trying to get across is that you just never know where a person is at in life or what could send them over the edge. For that reason, is it not just better to be kind?

Depression is something I have dealt with and hid quite well through out most of my life, so believe me when I tell you that you may think you know what someone is dealing with at any given moment, but chances are you have no idea.

I can sit here now and clearly see the patterns in my behavior and I think while it was happening I had some awareness of it, but when my limits were tested as quickly as they were, there was little left to do than surrender.

My brain was all twisted up and the only way of releasing the pressure was to let go and ride out the storm.

There was nothing anyone could do for me in that moment, except leave me alone, but there was no way for anyone to know that because I would never tell them.

See how in essence I create my own misery? It’s sad really how clear it is to realize that after the fact!

The take away is that with each relapse comes the additional clarity to better deal with those that have yet to come. And there will be more.

As anyone with depression will tell you, it is not something that can be cured.

It is something that must be conquered.

To anyone feeling lost,

You are not alone.

Your feelings are valid and not meant to be understood by anyone but you.

Your heart will heal when it’s ready and only you can decide when it is time to move on.

You are not obligated to explain yourself for needing time alone with your thoughts or for anything for that matter.

It is okay to be selfish and even a little frivolous at times.

You are not perfect, but neither is anyone else.

You are going to make mistakes. Sometimes the same ones, over and over again. Go easy on yourself. Being alive can be challenging and unexpected. You are only doing the best you can with what you have and that is all you have within your power to do.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. I know you have wounds deeper than most, but you will never find the one meant to heal them, if you don’t let them try.

And most importantly, find a way to love yourself.

Even if it takes a life time.

 

Image courtesy of Janpen04081986 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Passionate Patience

I had a wonderful talk with a friend yesterday about life and the difficulty of mastering patience. We are both working towards a life of living our passion, but sometimes the baby steps are just not enough. We want what we want and we want it right now! Perhaps that is the product of the instantaneously gratifying world we live in.

We rationalized that patience is much harder when the level of passion is so high. We are both perusing our dreams, but also struggling to maintain our cloak of legitimacy within society at the same time. It is a very hard balancing act. By the time the 9-5 is over, sometimes the inspiration to dive in to the other areas of our life is lacking. Either due to exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed or simply because we are discouraged by how long it is taking to come together.

Personally, I struggle with the success of the book and the prospect of my career in writing. I don’t need a lot and I am not saying I want to make millions of dollars. I am simply looking for a strong foundation and marketing platform the will allow me to live my passion. I want to create every day of my life! That is what gives me ultimate joy. Whether it be writing, painting, scrap booking, photography or crafting…that is what I live for.

I know from the teachings of Dr. Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks that every time I focus on the lack of what I want I am pushing it further and further away from myself, but it is so hard not to.

Pondering this dilemma on the walk in to work this morning, I began compiling a list in my head of all the little things that have begun building momentum for me in reference to my marketing platform. So many times I think we are so focused on the final result that we forget about all the progress we have already made. I strongly believe each one of us can have all that we desire, but I also know that it will not happen over night.

So, I decided that when I finished work today that I would make a formal list of accomplishments. This way each time I am feeling discouraged, I can pullout my list and shut up my negativity with the evidence of progress!

What I found by doing this was that in comparison to this time last year, I have actually made great strides in building my audience. Something I hadn’t really comprehended until this most recent reflection. In looking at my list, I found that my followers on all social media outlets  have more than doubled in most cases. I have done several book signings and almost completely tackled my phobia of public speaking. The followers on the Insane Roots FB Fan Page have almost tripled and, although slowly, books are selling. It was just released in February and for a debut author, I am pretty pleased with the numbers. Considering before February my status as a writer was virtually non-existence, I’d say I am making great strides.

What have I learned from this process you ask?

To chill out, keep doing what I am doing and stop worrying so much 🙂

Everything will work out all in due time!

I hope this was helpful for anyone else stuck in the rut of passionate patience!

Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how little they may be. They are your momentum for achieving great things!

 

 Photo courtesy of keattikorn at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Responsibility is Yours

Do you feel as if other people are always the ones messing up your positive vortex?

Abraham Hicks would say that is impossible. It is your negative expectation that is the cause. What you expect from someone it usually what you are going to receive from them. It’s like you are replying the same sad story over and over again in your mind and by doing this you are giving power to that negative vibration. Therefore pulling more and more of it to you.

“You need to forget that you don’t jive in order to jive” – Abraham Hicks

Abraham’s advice is to simply start over, to retrain your way of thinking about that person.

Get a notebook and make a list of the positive aspects of that person to help you move past the negative aspects that you keep focusing on.

Learn how to activate a different part of them in you.

If you truly care about someone, I think it is worth the time.

I find this to be very good advice, given my recent situation.

I was hurt, but that is no reason to keep replaying all the pain over and over in my mind. Justifying to myself why my feelings of disappointment are valid.

There is no room to grow from that place and chances are if someone has been in your life for a long time there is a reason they are there.

Sure relationships and friendships change over time, but it is our responsibility to adjust to them if we truly value the presence of this person in our life.

I am working, so making a list of positive aspects of this person will have to wait until later, but in the meantime I have a plan.

Each time a negative thought or recollection comes to mind about this person today, I will intentionally try to think of a positive time I had with them or a nice thing they have done for me in the past.

If I keep expecting this person to let me down or take advantage of me, they will just keep doing it because that is the vibration I am putting out.

It will be interesting to see the change in them when I begin to expect positive behavior from them rather than negative.

It’s worth a shot right?!

 

Image courtesy of Rawich at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today I Make My Own Reality!

In my post last week, This Too Shall Pass, I had found myself stunted by the stress of all that was around me. I battled with old feelings of inadequacy and the loss of control. Although I was able to snap myself out of it, the days that followed proved to be quite a challenge.

Due to some massive cut backs at work, I found myself in a state of overwhelming worry. So much so that the stress of being overworked began to seep into my personal life.

I have been here before, I knew where that path would lead and I was not having it.

I have come too far to go backwards!

So this morning, I vowed to myself to take control of my own reality. I laid in bed and visualized all that I wanted today. I asked for inspiration, direction and powerful positive thinking to guide me through the day and help me to get back on track.

After this declaration, I stepped out of bed with gratitude in knowing I have the power to make this much-needed change in my attitude.

Abraham Hicks tells us that we must become deliberate creators of our own reality in order to achieve all that we are wanting. Our output each day must be positive if we hope to attract the same. For the last two weeks, I have been putting out more negative than positive and the result has been a flood of negative circumstances. One bad thing after another showed its ugly head until I began expecting more bad things to happen. And you know what? They did.

I am ashamed to admit that I let the ill effects of last week shake my faith. I pulled away from the path I had struggled so long to find, but it ends  here.

I have faith and trust that everything will work out as it should and I refuse to give control of my happiness away any longer. I know now that many of the feelings that reared their ugly head last week were feelings I had been choosing to disregard. I thought that as long as I stayed positive they would all just disappear somehow, but that is not how it works.

Whether consciously or unconsciously, these feelings were appearing in my life for a reason. It was time to work through them and let it all go to make room for what is to come.

Over the last few weeks, I have been having very similar dreams each night. They were like a compilation of past moments in my life when I felt out of control, depressed and inadequate. Times in the past that it was time to let go of. Mistakes that it was time to forgive myself for and move on from.

I can’t help but believe that these dreams were an unconscious way of forcing myself to take the next step. It is time to put the past in the past and enjoy the journey that is yet to come.