New Beginnings

For the past few days there has been a robin at my house that has been relentlessly attacking the windows. The most obvious reason is that it is mating season and he most likely saw his reflection so he was persistently staking his claim. So, I covered the exterior windows to remove the reflection, but he didn’t go away. In fact, as I was getting into my car to leave, he flew at my car window and then just sat on the hood looking at me.

“What do you want?!” I said looking at him through the windshield. He just tilted his head and flew away.

Frustrated, I just rolled my eyes and left.

A close friend of mine reminded me that birds are messengers and that he was trying to tell me something. I had no idea what that could be and then today it hit me.

For me, seeing a robin usually fills me with great joy because they are a sign of spring and spring is a time for new beginnings. However, this robin was making me angry and just seemed to be adding to my already sober and defeated mood.

My life since last fall has been in a bit of turmoil. I won’t go in to the details, but lets just say that every aspect of it has been a challenge. From work to house repairs to my love life, everything has been in what feels like a constant state of upheaval.

Each day it was becoming harder and harder to find peace. Something I had thought I mastered. I was very wrong.

The downward spiral started in September and by March, when I was beginning to think I had a handle on everything again, my greatest weakness reared its ugly head.

I felt broken and ashamed.

Mostly, I was disappointed in myself for allowing others the power to take my joy away, for letting their actions dictate my self-worth and my mood. I was better than that! I have done the work, found my center, my peace. So how in the world did I end up here again?

Because I am human.

Because I am a person who feels with great intensity and loves from the deepest caverns of my soul. I look for the best in people and when I don’t see it, I just look that much harder.

Call me naive, but I think the words we utter to another, whether it be a boss making promises to an employee or a lover professing their love, should be taken as truth or never spoken.

Perhaps that is the lesson here.

The only intentions one can truly count on are our own.

Last night for what is now going on almost a month, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned til 3AM playing the disappointments of the days past, over and over in my head. Until it all became too much.

The emptiness in my heart so heavy I could hold back the tears no longer. So I cried. And I begged the lord to make it all go away. Pleading with him to take away this pain, this love and the memories that keep swimming around in my brain. It had been a very long time since I felt this alone, this defeated, this heartbroken.

In that moment, I would have given anything to be angry. But with all the love in my heart, it was just not possible.

Catching my breath, still pleading for a resolution, I eventually fell into the only place of peace I have found these days…sleep.

I awoke this morning with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment that I had to struggle through yet another day.

And then it came…the anger. What a relief!

Sounds weird I know, that anger would be a relief, but it was.

Just feeling the anger, reminded me of who I was. I was no longer debilitated with sadness anymore, but rather empowered with madness! Not just at those who hurt me, but at myself.

How dare I allow the actions of others to bring me back down to a place I swore I would never be again. They have no power over me unless I let them and why did I let them?

I let them because I gave them much more credit than they deserved. I was not unworthy of their kindness or undeserving of their love. If anything, perhaps they were unworthy of mine?

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” – Bob Marley

And for me, after anger comes clarity. You see, I am a person who believes in second chances, but there is rarely a third. Once I get pushed to the limit, there is usually no going back. For by that time, I have learned too much to revisit old feelings. Call it self preservation I guess, but by the time I have reached this point the words of another that once had so much power lose all meaning.

I know people can change and I will never rule out the possibility of them doing so. After all, this life is a learning experience for all of us. However, actions become their only hope in convincing me that the change is real.

And more importantly, this entire experience has taught me that I still have a great deal of growing to do myself. They say that timing is everything and as humans we want what we want and we want it right now!

It is important to remember though that perhaps the reason we are not getting what we want is because either we are not ready for it, it is not ready for us or it simply is not meant to be. And if it is not meant to be than there is surely something even better waiting around the corner. We just have to have faith that it will come to us when the time is right.

When I think about my little robin “stalker” now, I can finally see the message. Anger was door to the peace I was seeking and joy the window to new beginnings.

For anyone who is feeling down, left behind or unworthy, I hope you found this helpful. Just remember, you are the creator of your own reality and only you should have power over the way you feel.

Never give that power away.

 

Image courtesy of PaulR at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

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This Too Shall Pass…

Today was one of those days…

I strive to always be positive, but I was reminded today just how challenging that can be sometimes.

It started out okay, just a few bumps in the road that I was able to get past with the usual positive affirmations. However, as the day rolled on I found it harder and harder to snap myself out of it. One small tragedy after another presented itself to me until I was eventually left with this deep feeling of sadness. Normally, I can pinpoint the root of my emotions, but today I couldn’t.

I know I am a bit over emotional this week due to my monthly visitor, but even this awareness was not enough to help me snap out of it. By the time I completed my work day, I could feel the inevitable sobbing that was to come.

On my walk home, I reminded myself that I had a package to pick up at the office and I thought,  “Well, that should cheer me up!”

Hoping this would do the trick, I walked into my building and immediately walked to the leasing office. The leasing agent in the office very rudely refused to honor my request. Which (having been in leasing before) I would normally completely understand, but did he have to be rude? I wasn’t. I said “okay, thank you” and walked out.

Just as I was leaving, I noticed a very young, slender, pretty girl walk into the office and watched as the leasing agent completely dropped everything he was doing to tend to her request. Really?

That was it.

As many of you know, I have been working very hard to overcome my issues with self-esteem and in this moment of instability I felt those old familiar feelings of inadequacy start to creep in. All those negative thoughts of not being pretty, skinny or young enough flooded my mind.

Fighting tears, I walked to the elevator and waited for what seemed like forever until I would be home.

I walked in my apartment, went directly to my bedroom and face planted on the bed. Crying incessantly until I could hardly breathe. I knew I was being ridiculous, but that realization just made me feel worse and I cried even harder.

It had been longer than I could remember that I had felt this way and I hated it. I was now upset with myself for a reason I had no trouble pinpointing. I had allowed the world around me take my joy away and I was ashamed.

I had fallen into the “human drama” that Dr. Joe Dispenza always refers to. I let my negative thoughts create negative emotions over and over again until I completely lost control.

As I write to you now, I have obviously had some time to reflect. I have forgiven myself for losing control and reassured myself that the state I was in today is not something to be ashamed of. If anything it is something to be proud of. A year ago, I would not have been able to reflect on this moment with such clarity and I may not have been able to snap out of it for days. I have battled with depression for many years and days like these used to last for weeks, even months.

Today, was just a day.

Photo credits to: “the Dreamer” courtesy of statigr.am/tag/lifelessons