Until That One Day Comes

Last night for the first time in a very long time I experienced an extreme amount of anger. It sounds like a bad thing and maybe it was at the start, but amidst the rage came a great clarity.

And today, I woke up changed.

You see, I am not one to get mad easily. Sure, I get frustrated quite often and emotional from time to time. After all, I am only human.

Otherwise, for the most part, I am generally pretty laid back. I like to think that I do my very best to be as forgiving and understanding as possible. I realize that no one is perfect, certainly not me. We are all just doing our best to get through life given the challenges we are faced with.

So for that reason, I try to do anything within my power for those that I care about. I will even endure a massive amount of mistreatment from them and still allow them back in my life over and over and over again.

Until that one day comes…

There is no telling when or what will cause it, but for one reason or another the moment will come when everything changes and there is no going back.

For, by the time I reach this point, I no longer care about the consequences of speaking my mind. The words I utter still come from the heart, but they are no longer sugar coated for fear of burning a bridge.

They are instead, blunt, straight to the point and comprised only of my final thoughts; my way of saying farewell.

No matter how much love I have for this person, in this moment, the love I have for myself over rules and anger becomes the fuel for a positive change.

The few people who have managed to push me this far, should consider themselves very special. For the depth of love needed to cause me to feel this level of anger is a rarity. A rarity that if treasured will lead to great loyalty and if abused…well there is no going back.

However, this does not mean that I will ever be nasty towards that person in the future, should our paths cross again. To be nasty would mean that I was still harboring the anger that pushed me to the breaking point in the first place and that is simply not possible anymore. Besides, it would be counter productive not to forgive and taste the freedom of moving forward without ill feelings lingering from the past.

I have said it numerous times before and I’ll say it again…we are all flawed. There is no telling what someone else is going through at any moment in time and we can only help them as much as they are willing to let us. Part of the growing process is knowing when you are no longer wanted/needed and to learn to bow out gracefully. It is not our responsibility, or within our power for that matter, to change people. Any time spent trying to could surely be better utilized.

Doesn’t it seem like it would be in our best interest (and theirs) to find a way to forgive them, accept them for where they are and come to a place where we are able to genuinely wish them well with no ulterior motives?

 

 

Blinded by Hope

Oh what a fool…

Those who give their hearts to another.

The sweet taste of deception on their breath.

A child I was

In those all too gracious hands.

A beautiful love

Struck down in its prime by fear

Never to know it’s true potential

It’s power

It’s magnificence.

Drained 

Battered

And bruised.

Not by its failure.

But rather

A baracade of bruises 

Broken hearts

And all together

Awful things.

A fight for love 

Is not a path for the weak

The weary

Or the insecure.

It is a dual for the chosen

A proud moment in time.

One where love conquers all

And all fear is shattered.

It is a love worth fighting for

A future worth the risk.

A battle for the determined

The diligent

The true.

Great love 

Does not stem from the willing

The easy

The meek.

It blooms from the weary

The forgotten

The wronged.

For only they 

Know the true value 

In all they have yet to love.

My Golden Buzzer

I noticed something about myself recently. A confirmation that I have made great strides on this journey of reconnecting with myself and others.

I would like to share my experience in the hopes that it may be helpful to anyone who has ever felt lost.

What I noticed was that I have been able to consistently be at peace with where I am in any given moment. I allow myself to feel, but then to let go. I have found a love for myself that is nurturing and safe. Alleviating the need to constantly search for it in something or someone else. In times of sorrow, I reflect. In times of anger, I reflect.

And in times of joy and peace, I savor.

It has allowed me to fill my mind with appreciation. Appreciation that holds me together during times of hurt and disappointment. Appreciation that helps me grow in those moments of reflection.

It brings me to a peaceful state of gratitude. Where I stand strong and ready to move forward.

As a result, I have found that people’s opinions no longer carry such a hefty weight. Sure I value them and take them to heart, but in the end any decision I make will be mine alone.

Instead of spending all day on the phone asking people what I should do about something, I ask a few in my inner circle for their thoughts, ponder them for a while and then when the time is right I go with the decision that best resonates with me.

It may sound like a simple, normal process to some, but for me it was not. I would over think every situation I was faced with. However big or small, I would over think it to death. Which meant I was always thinking about the fact that I had to make a decision about it and all the possible outcomes. I am pretty sure that is what they mean by driving oneself insane. I was on my way to crazy town thinking like that. Where is the joy in any of those moments?

That was the problem. After years and years of winding myself up into a state of exhaustion, I had slowly pushed away all my joy, all my peace of mind. I didn’t know what was genuine anymore. I was physically present, but never really there. It is what eventually caused me to up root everything and move to Colorado.

It has been two years now and when I look back on that time, that person, well I don’t know if I could even begin to explain it to you.

Becoming aware of such a powerful shift in my consciousness was much like the Golden Buzzer on America’s Got Talent…haha (click here if you don’t know what I am talking about)

The scene goes in slow motion as you see the joy rise up in them as the confetti covers their face. Its that gasp for breath as they try to comprehend the gravity of what has just happened. All their hard work and dedication has lead up to that moment and in a split second their lives are changed.

Only this time its my Golden Buzzer…its my hard work and dedication that is changing my life, changing me for the better. 🙂

Not very long ago I wrote to you about a challenge I had given myself after reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I decided to tackle the most challenging of the four: Don’t Take Things Personally.

For along time this had been a major struggle in my life. Much to the point where it was turning me in to a recluse. My mind was always distracted from the moment at hand, thinking about what others may think of me, needing their approval. It made me so uncomfortable that I just stopped socializing.

I remember one day in reconnecting with my uncle after many years, he made an observation that finally made me aware of the shift in myself that had taken place in my life (some time in college I’m guessing).

We were talking and I made the comment that I didn’t go out much because I wasn’t a social butterfly.

“What?! You have always been super social, what are you talking about?”

I was flooded with emotion. It was like this switch finally turned on a light inside of me that had been dormant for years. He was absolutely right. Back when we lived together (just after I graduated high-school) I was always out socializing. And I remember being pretty fearless. I was who I was and although I would adhere to social graces and common courtesy, I didn’t really care that much about your opinion of me.

Having social anxiety was just the story that I had been telling myself over and over again for years. So long that there was no doubt in my mind that it was true. But it wasn’t true.

For me, the cure for my anxiety was merely mastering a way to find peace in any circumstance no matter how uncomfortable. Surrendering to what is without losing sight of what is yet to come.

When I learned to appreciate the excitement of life’s challenges, I was able to be grateful for the experience. Because all those challenges and experiences are what makes me who I am.

And that is exactly what was missing. For all these years, that something I had been searching for was me.

Weekly Inspiration: Dear Me

What would I tell my younger self?

I have been reading my old high school journals to help with the timeline for my next memoir. It is a very strange feeling to be reading the words of your teenage self. There was so much sadness and anger on those pages that I began to feel anxious. I just wanted to reach through the pages and give myself a hug, to tell myself to calm down and that it would all work out okay.

For this reason, I keep getting stuck. I have spent so much time trying to move forward and have made such great strides in self improvement that it is uncomfortable revisiting that head space. It is so far from where I am now that I have trouble relating. Although, like with Insane Roots it is a good therapy session. With each book I grow and this one is proving to be no different. But how do I keep myself from getting bogged down in the energy of it? This need to comfort my younger self?

Then I remembered what a dear friend of mine told me about a process of self healing that involved doing just that.

I am sure you can remember a time in your life when you felt alone, depressed or let down in some way. By going back to that time in your mind and giving yourself the comfort you lacked in that moment so long ago, you have the ability to heal old wounds. It may sound ludicrous to some, but if you are game I urge you to try it. After all, what do you really have to lose?  I seriously doubt it could be bad for you.

It was in one of those moments that I started thinking about all the things I would tell my younger self.

Now don’t get me wrong, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change anything. I like myself just as I am, scars and all.

I would however tell myself to stop and smell the roses and to never forget the importance of spending time with the ones you love. Time is so precious and each day a gift. You never know how much time you have with someone until it is too late. So, use your time wisely and spend it with those you hold closest to your heart.

Okay, your turn! What would you tell your younger self?

Weekly Inspiration: Reflection

Hey all! I am in the middle of moving, so instead of picking an inspiration from the bowl I have come up with one of my own. I think it is fitting considering the recent events surrounding my mother’s disappearance.

What is something you have learned over the past year?

For me, I have learned to trust my gut. I think we all have those moments when we are faced with a choice and our gut is telling us to go one way or another. I cannot count the times I went against my instincts and found out later I should have listened. Over the last year, I have tried harder to rely on those gut reactions and it has saved me a world of hurt.

Not just with my mother, but my intuition surrounding our relationship is definitely been the most measurable. Had I not kept my walls up, I could be in a whole world of hurt right now.

I found out this weekend that it is just as I suspected. The state police went to speak with her old roommate and told him that she is currently wanted in 4 different states under several different names. The detective remarked that she has one of the longest rap sheets he has ever seen. Last I knew, she had 27 know aliases. Now it would seem the number of identities have drastically increased.

I am so very thankful I knew better than to let her in again. I am glad we had a chance to connect and that for once I have been able to walk away clean. Looks like I have learned my lesson…never to trust my mother! It is a sigh of relief in an otherwise awful situation.

I am anxious to hear what you have learned over the past year?!