Maybe Today

Every morning before I open my eyes, I wonder if this will be the day.

The day when I no longer have to fight to be strong, save face and pretend that everything is okay.

The day when I say everything is great and I actually mean it.

A day when my heart is no longer broken and the idea of love no longer makes me sick to my stomach.

A day when the memories of almost lovers no longer circle my mind

Leaving me wondering if I will ever get it right.

And for that matter if any of this is really even worth it.

Every day is a struggle

This internal battle between what I want and what is right.

So I take a deep breath and hold on to the prospect of a new beginning.

As my feet touch the floor, I can feel the heaviness begin to abound.

Creeping slowly through my veins like the venom of a snake

Tears of loneliness bubble to the surface

As I gaze in the mirror at the broken girl on the other side.

You are strong I tell her, you are powerful, intelligent, and beautiful.

And with a smile, I grasp ever so tightly to the peaceful hope that if I can just make it through one more day…

That maybe tomorrow everything really will be okay.

 

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Until That One Day Comes

Last night for the first time in a very long time I experienced an extreme amount of anger. It sounds like a bad thing and maybe it was at the start, but amidst the rage came a great clarity.

And today, I woke up changed.

You see, I am not one to get mad easily. Sure, I get frustrated quite often and emotional from time to time. After all, I am only human.

Otherwise, for the most part, I am generally pretty laid back. I like to think that I do my very best to be as forgiving and understanding as possible. I realize that no one is perfect, certainly not me. We are all just doing our best to get through life given the challenges we are faced with.

So for that reason, I try to do anything within my power for those that I care about. I will even endure a massive amount of mistreatment from them and still allow them back in my life over and over and over again.

Until that one day comes…

There is no telling when or what will cause it, but for one reason or another the moment will come when everything changes and there is no going back.

For, by the time I reach this point, I no longer care about the consequences of speaking my mind. The words I utter still come from the heart, but they are no longer sugar coated for fear of burning a bridge.

They are instead, blunt, straight to the point and comprised only of my final thoughts; my way of saying farewell.

No matter how much love I have for this person, in this moment, the love I have for myself over rules and anger becomes the fuel for a positive change.

The few people who have managed to push me this far, should consider themselves very special. For the depth of love needed to cause me to feel this level of anger is a rarity. A rarity that if treasured will lead to great loyalty and if abused…well there is no going back.

However, this does not mean that I will ever be nasty towards that person in the future, should our paths cross again. To be nasty would mean that I was still harboring the anger that pushed me to the breaking point in the first place and that is simply not possible anymore. Besides, it would be counter productive not to forgive and taste the freedom of moving forward without ill feelings lingering from the past.

I have said it numerous times before and I’ll say it again…we are all flawed. There is no telling what someone else is going through at any moment in time and we can only help them as much as they are willing to let us. Part of the growing process is knowing when you are no longer wanted/needed and to learn to bow out gracefully. It is not our responsibility, or within our power for that matter, to change people. Any time spent trying to could surely be better utilized.

Doesn’t it seem like it would be in our best interest (and theirs) to find a way to forgive them, accept them for where they are and come to a place where we are able to genuinely wish them well with no ulterior motives?

 

 

Let Life Happen

Once you know what you want in life, how do you take the next step in achieving it?

There is so much I want to do, but I struggle with what to go after first.  It can be very overwhelming. I over think it to death until I end up not doing anything at all.

Until one day when I decided to take another approach.

Instead of worrying myself with the details, I simply let go. I knew that the only person standing in my way was myself and it was time step aside.

Life is about experience. All the little moments that make up our day are special in their own way. And in today’s society everyone seems to be rushing to get to the finish line. Once they do is it really worth it if they missed the lessons along the way? After all, what is an accomplishment without the hard work that went in to achieving it?

I guess what I am saying is enjoy the journey. Be eager, but not so much that you miss the collective moments along the path that took you there.

I have come to realize that I don’t always have to be the one who figures out the order of things or the how, the where, the when or the who for that matter. Sometimes, I just need to sit back and let what I’ve already learned occur to me. I give my mind a break from over analyzing and all kinds of ideas fill my head.

That is how I decide. As the ideas come to me the one I am most excited about is the one I roll with them.

I don’t know about you, but I strongly feel that everything happens for a reason and at the right time. So it just makes sense to me that choosing the next step in any direction that gives me the highest excitement is most likely the one I am best aligned with at that time.

An analogy I like that Hicks uses is the current of the river. Do you want to swim up stream or down stream. When we are going upstream, we are swimming against that which has already been aligned for us. Where as when we are swimming downstream, we are flowing with the natural course of the river. We let go of our resistance and simply glide along with the natural order of things. And if we are conscious, truly conscious and aware of our surroundings we won’t miss the intricately laid out opportunities that lead us along our destined path.

There is great power in the NOW.  There is this great peace and appreciation hiding within quiet moments of observation. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, so why not be grateful for today. Whatever you did today, did it give you joy? If you faced tragedy today, where you able to find your peace?

These are the choices that are presented to every one of us on any given day. They are the power we have in any given situation. Whether it be our darkest hour or our finest day. They way we remember these moments will shape us forever. They certainly have me 🙂

Joyful Anticipation

I used to think of Mondays as the dreaded start to just another work week. I didn’t find joy until I had downed two cups of coffee and planned my attack for the gigantic “to do” list ahead of me. It was a constant cycle of monotony that I just pushed through, hoping there was something more.

That all changed the day I made the decision to alter my mindset.

The day  I finally realized the power of my thoughts!

A friend of mine sent me this video on Universal Laws and it sent me down a rabbit hole of exploration that has truly changed my way of life.

I resonated very deeply with many of the ideas expressed in this video and others not as much, but the important aspect of it was that after watching it, I was encouraged to explore this idea of universal law even further (I believe there is a bit of true in everything and I love playing detective!). As a result, I was introduced to Dr. Joe Dispenza, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Alan Watts, and Ester, Jerry & Abraham Hicks.  I had always had this inner knowing that there was something more out there, something beyond our understanding, a force at work that we were not yet conscious of and I finally felt like I was on the path to discovering it!

I have always been a spiritual person and many have argued that exploring such ideals is going against my faith, but I strongly believe, that for me, it could not be further from the truth. Understanding the inner workings of this great universe, in my opinion, will only bring me closer to that which created it and surely that would only strengthen my connection to it.

For so many years, I had been living in such a negative state that I was preventing myself from accepting any other state of being. I would make declarations about myself that I understand now to be in complete opposition of my true self. I had been programmed by tragedy to expect more and more chaos around every turn.

I came to realize that creation is always happening whether we are conscious of it or not.  And that harnessing the power behind that creation is simply becoming conscious of the power itself.

I was in  the habit of expecting a certain reality and therefore that reality continued to present itself. Once I changed this pattern of thinking to that of a state of joyful anticipation, I began to allow myself to really grow.

Shortly after this journey I wrote the post below. I realize now just how much I have grown. My mind had made a shift and every step forward since then has been eye opening. I am truly grateful!

What is Your Vibration?

 

All In A Days Challenge

It is on days like these when the challenges of life and the desire for more bubbles under the surface of my skin. Those around me feel like strangers in the crowd and all I want to do is crawl  under the slumbering warmth of my blankets to hide myself from the light of day.

What is it you ask that brings me such woe? The overwhelming feeling that there is just too much to be done partnered with the lack of time to do it. My mantra in these moments is “Inspiration will come and I will get it done”. I know there is power in my words, power in my thoughts and power in the way I feel. So much so that I have learned to use this power to overcome these habits of negative thinking. It doesn’t matter what the negative mindset is, I know that with some determination that I can snap myself out of it rather quickly.

Currently I am not feeling in harmony with myself and that is causing me a great deal of discontent. I woke up feeling foul after a night filled with extremely action packed dreams of survival (maybe I should lay off the zombie movies lol) so when my alarm yanked me abruptly from my slumber I was ready to fight! Reminding myself it was just a dream, I hit the snooze button and laid there pre-paving the day as I usually do. This usually helps to bring me back to myself and puts a positive spin on the upcoming events of the day.

On this particular occasion, I was rudely interrupted by the hunger of my cats and forced to cut this process short. This left me feeling a bit challenged in the moments to come. As I walked to work, I began to realize how important this morning process has become to me and I decided that once I reached the office, I would take a moment to step aside and finish the process.

It is amazing how just 5 minutes of setting ones mindset can impact the entire day at hand. Before life could pile on anymore “overwhelment”, I stopped it in its tracks and made a declaration to myself that no mater what happened, I was in charge of making it a great day! I focused on how gratifying it would feel when all my tasks were completed and the excitement I would experience when it was time to start the next project. I spent some time thinking about all the reasons I enjoyed this job much more than my last and most of all how proud I was to be excelling in my role.

Six hours later, those feelings have all but faded. Inspiration came and I did get it done. No sense in worrying, no sense in wallowing. There are a lot of things in this world that may be beyond my control, but how I feel in any given moment is all my own doing.

 

Photo courtesy of Staurt Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net