Ghosted

I will keep this short and sweet this morning. Call it another public service announcement from T-Bell if you will, but I cannot go through this day without sharing with you a very important lesson I learned this weekend.

So, Sunday was my birthday. A day that has been hard for me since I was a kid. Mostly because I never knew where my mother was most of the time, which usually meant that as a child, I would spend the whole day wishing and hoping that somehow she would reappear and she never did. So year after year, my heart would break just a little bit more. This year was no different.

You see that is why people don’t understand how important being remembered is to me. For someone who is always forgotten, a simple text or phone call to say happy birthday means more to me than anything in the world. Just once, it would be nice to not be disappointed.

I had such an amazing day on Sunday, so much fun! I went to the car show with Daddy J, which was a blast and then a few of us came back to my place for an impromptu hang session. It was everything I could have asked for and more.

When everyone left, I came back inside and started catching up on my birthday texts 🙂

When I replied to the last one, I realized that two very important people had still not sent me anything? And I don’t mean gifts, I could care less if you buy me anything. Although, my friend Elaine did hit it out of the park this year!!

Two of the people I care for most in the world, showed me just how little they care for me. I kind of expected it from one of them. I know him well enough to know it was not really because he doesn’t care about me, but rather he just cares about himself more. No surprises there, he has been this way his whole life. It doesn’t excuse it (believe me I ate his ass!), but the point is that I know in my heart that he never intended to hurt me.

The other, was a complete surprise. It was someone I thought I could count on, someone I thought valued my presence in their life. Someone I never thought would blow me off, especially on the day he knows I struggle with. We lost touch for years and having him back in my life this last year has been great. It was so refreshing to spend time with someone I could truly be myself around, someone who truly saw me and valued me for all that I am. Which is why, his forgetfulness hurt more than anything I could have imagined.

Now, I try my best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt…Maybe something horrible happened, he lost his phone or a million other acceptable reasons for treating me like garbage. And so, at first, I tried to give him a chance to explain. One simple text from me to say that I was a little hurt. No response.

Okay so now I am worried, maybe something did happen? He doesn’t normally blow me off like this. And then the next day came, still no response.

“What’s the deal man?”

No response.

And that is when the waterworks began. Which pissed me off, because I thought I was done crying over stupid inconsiderate men, but I guess not.

I realized in that moment, that the friendship I thought meant as much to him as it did to me, clearly did not and boy did that sting.

We all screw up, we all forget things, but to not even acknowledge it or me? How cruel is that? Especially coming from someone who deals with the same emotional issues that I do and knows how much his actions would hurt me.

I can take a hint, but at least have the common courtesy to tell me you don’t want me around anymore instead of taking the cowards way out and ghosting me…on my birthday of all days! I deserve more than that, a lot more.

His actions disappointed me more than anyone’s ever have, because I never saw it coming, but I guess I should be thankful for that.

To him, for reminding me that I need to make better choices about who I give my time to. There are those that value me in their life and those that simply use me to fill their time when something better is not available.

And the timing could not be more perfect. As you remember from my last post, I have been taking a long hard look at the people in my life and well, I guess as heart broken as I have been over the last few days, at least I know now where I truly stand with some people.

I am so thankful to the people who remembered me on Sunday (even if FB reminded you, teehee I get it and it still counts).

If it was not for all of you, having been forgotten may have stung a lot worse.

The lesson here, if it’s not yet clear, is that no matter how much you care about someone that doesn’t give them free rain to disrespect you.

And if you are someone on the other end of this, try to remember that no matter how much you don’t care about someone that doesn’t mean your actions do not have the ability to destroy them. Try to be kind, respectful, is it really that hard to allow someone to leave your life with their dignity still intact?

I think not.

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Existential Crisis?

What if the main lesson we are supposed to master in this life is not for us to all come together as one, but rather to learn how to find solace in being alone; individually independent?

After all, we have tried for years to unify this world and where has it taken us? Some may say closer together, but I would argue, that we are more divided now than ever before.

We live in a world of instant gratification. A place where deep discussions with another human being face to face or even over the phone have become a rarity.

It is the ME generation. Where our interactions with others have become more focused on what they can do for us than what we can do together.

I wish what I was saying was simply rooted in my own cynicism, but I see evidence of its reality every day.

The actions of others (or lack there of) can be very telling, if you are paying attention. I have spent so much of my life trying to see the good in people that in many cases, I overlooked some very obvious signs that their intentions were untrue.

I think I wanted so much to believe that I mattered to them in the way they mattered to me that it became easier to lie to myself than to see what was directly in front of me.

Oh the heart break I would have saved myself!!

No sweat though, I hold no regrets there. It was all valuable in bringing me to the place I am today and contributed to the beautifully broken person I am, regardless of others’ ability to appreciate it.

“I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

And that is why I am changing my tune.

When I think of all the pain and disappointment in my life, the majority of it was rooted in expectations that either I or society has placed on other people.

We operate from this selfish need to be valued by others, when if we were only to find value in ourselves and say screw  everyone else, wouldn’t we eliminate this ridiculous idea in our heads that we are only worth what others perceive us to be?

I have found myself so angry these past few weeks and up until a few days ago, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I chalked it up to being burnt out, tired or whatever and in part that is it. I am exhausted, but not necessarily in the physical sense. Although, over analyzing things the way I do could play a role in that as well.

In reality though, it is more existential.

Every single day, I struggle internally with so much that I can’t even begin to explain. I am just so tired of it all.

If there was a pill I could take to never feel anything ever again…love, hate, passion, fear, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, sadness…I am not sure I would be able to pass it up. I’m not gonna lie, there are days where I feel as though I am operating as an emotionless machine in a world full of humans and it has its appeal.

“…And all the people say
You can’t wake up, this is not a dream
You’re part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline…” – Halsey, Gasoline.

But that would be the cowards way out and if there is anything I am NOT, it is a coward. So as tempting as it is to leave it all behind, I stay and I continue to fight what feels like a losing battle.

I used to have this love for life…for people.

It’s sad really. How the world can turn a person cold.

How the people you care for the most can be the reason you never search for love again.

And that is why it is so important to tell those closest to you just how much they mean to you.

If I have learned anything in this life, it is that anyone can be taken from you in the blink of an eye and the only true regrets I have are the words I never had the chance to say.

Friends that were taken too young, who I will never have the chance to tell, how much they inspired me. Or the mentor who left this world before I was able to express to them my gratitude for never giving up on me.

And most of all, the love I found so hard to give to the one man who loved me just as I am. The wisest man I never really took the time to get to know before his time on this earth was over. He knew I loved him, but I wish I could have told him how much.

As of today,  I am going to try my very best to move forward without the need for love in my heart.

Maybe then I will stop giving mine away so easily to the undeserving and instead express it more freely to those who never leave me wondering whether they feel the same.

It is about damn time I realize that I am worthy of more than I allow myself to settle for. My presence in this world is of value and those who freely disregard it are the unworthy ones.

The hardest part will of course be not to get tangled up in those heart strings. After all, when you care about someone it can be hard to simply turn it off.

Even if all the signs are there that they will be your undoing. The heart wants what the heart wants even if getting it means a bullet straight its core.

Obviously, I have thought long and hard about that or else I wouldn’t be writing about it now – you know how I work 🙂

So here it is…my so-called plan if you will…

Balance. Or more simply, what you give, is what you get.

The amount of attention, courtesy, and consideration you give to me, is exactly what you will get in return; no more and no less.

It sounds very simply and for any new relationships/friendships it pretty much is. No boundaries have been set yet or emotions unbalanced in any way.

It is the old unions that will be the challenge, because you see, you have already allowed a certain pattern of behavior that has formulated a belief system around the balance in that friendship/relationship.

For example, fairly recently as you know, I found the strength to discuss my depression on a level that has been very freeing and from the feedback, helpful to others’ who suffer the same.

Owning my issues ( I hate to use that word) has given me a greater sense of myself. I feel more confident in who I am and more refined in what I want. I no longer apologize for or hide the way I am feeling from the world…okay well for the most part I don’t, I’m trying! The point is, in embracing myself for who I am, I have been able to find the courage to speak up when I would normally stay silent and to stop making excuses for people’s bad behavior, but instead, call them out on it!

It has led to some intense interactions, let me tell you!

And sometimes it is as simple as not doing anything at all. It’s funny, once people get used to taking you for-granted, they don’t take it so well when suddenly you are not so available to them.

It becomes a culling of sorts or as I like to say, weeding the friend garden.

Though, the best examples I think are the friendships that ended with no interaction at all. Now that is when you know you really screwed up. If I have reached the point where I simply walk away with no explanation, that is when there is truly no going back.

There are a rare few who have made it there and I am sure they’d confirm for you, but…I don’t talk to them anymore so …haha! 🙂

Maybe it is that I am getting older and I have realized how little time I have left on this plane that has led me to this somewhat existential crisis. Time is becoming more and more precious and with as much as I work, my personal time doubly so.

I guess I am just searching for some type of balance or effortless existence that doesn’t really exist, but it seems like something worth looking for in the off chance it does.

Lately, I find myself enjoying my time alone more than my time spent out in the world. Things and people I used to enjoy bore me at times, but there is this pattern of thought ingrained in my mind that history = closeness/security and it is just not true.

I wonder how much socializing I do based on obligation? I don’t think I want to know.

I am starting to understand why they call it an existential crisis now…

 

 

It Is What It Is & It’s Great

A little less than a year ago I reconnected with an old friend of mine and it has turned out to be the catalyst for some necessary change in my life. A mutual friend of mine made the comment when we first started hanging out again that he had always treated me better than my own boyfriend at the time and was not surprised to see that something may be blossoming between us after all these years. Her observation at the time, not mine. There has always been chemistry between us, but it has never grown into anything more than friendship.

I was thinking about that yesterday and you know what, looking back, she is absolutely right! He has always been there for me when I needed him. Sometimes in ways I didn’t even realize.

Now before I continue, I want to make it very clear that I am not reading into any of his actions as more than what they are. We are still just friends and I am not expecting anything more than that from him. He has made it very clear where he stands and I completely respect that.

That is not what this post is about.

What it is about is the appreciation & understanding I now have for those true friends that are so hard to find and the necessary changes we sometimes need to make to our social circle as we mature in order to ensure we are receiving the level of respect we deserve.

This past year, I have stepped back from a lot of people in my life. I began to realize that the time and energy I was putting in far outweighed what I was getting in return.

It’s the little things like…

Encouraging my creative adventures & giving me that push I need sometimes to keep going.

Inspiring me to try things I’ve always been afraid to.

Supporting my decisions even if not fully in agreement with them.

Reminding me of my good qualities and why I should never settle for less or allow others to make me feel like I have no value

Opening the door for you or waiting by you at the check-out even though they are finished.

How they know you are feeling down without you saying a word and make that small gesture of kindness as a reminder that you are loved.

Remembering the things you have said or done, no matter how insignificant they may seem.

Being true to their word – That’s a biggie!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired of being disappointed by the people I care about most and somehow being made to feel that the fault is my own.

I’ve never met someone so much like me…similar yes, but not this much!

It is refreshing to know that I don’t have to be afraid to let my guard down and truly be myself. When I talk, he listens. He is not on his phone or barely paying attention. He is always present and most of all he actually cares about what I am saying, even if it is some meaningless thing I am just babbling on about.

The level of respect he treats me with has put so much in perspective for me. I know he is someone I can tell anything to without judgement (even if it’s about him haha!). He has given me the courage to stand up for myself and shown me that it is possible to be fully open and honest with someone without it all falling apart. We talk about everything, but I guess we always have really.

Our friendship is something very few may understand I think, but I don’t care.

For the first time in a very long time, I finally feel understood and genuinely cared for.

Now that is true friendship and something I wouldn’t give up for the world!

Point Taken

It amazes me just how cruel people can be sometimes. And in some cases for no apparent reason at all.

Last night, someone I called a friend, severed the last thread remaining of our ever fleeting friendship.

Hurtful doesn’t even begin to describe his bullshit.

I mean really, does it make him feel like a bigger man to pray on the wounded?

I’m already broken asshole and much of it was thanks to the you of yesterday.

It must be so easy for you, always aiming at the same target.

Relying on my good nature to always take you back.

But that was then and this is now and in the end none of it really matters anyway.

So if you were trying to make a point, point taken.

If you were trying to put out the flames, consider them extinguished.

And as for me?

Well you got what you wanted.

Consider me gone.

Life Amidst The Fog

There comes a time in ones life when the inevitable realization arrives that the ability to manifest our individual destiny lies only within us.

For some, this happens very early in life and for them the path may be more clearly defined or perhaps it is that they do not have as high of aspirations.

For others, such as myself, we struggle and we stumble through life searching for answers in a world we seem to always be disconnected from; a reality where our kind is rarely understood.

Throughout much of my life, I have felt more like an observer than a participant.

I can be in a room with a crowd of people and still feel alone.

Sometimes, it is as if I am hovering above the noise, looking down on the world as though it were a delicately crafted snow globe resting in my hands.

And when it all begins to shake, I find myself scratching through the glass in an attempt to navigate my way amidst the fog.

Human connection is a rarity for me, although many would be inclined to disagree, but that is simply the result of how well I wear this mask.

Mind you, it is not for me, but rather for you.

The pain I feel is my burden to bare… if you chose to call it that…a burden.

It is not something anyone can fix, nor does it need fixing.

However, for those who walk the line of normalcy, being broken is considered the same as going through life with a rock in your shoe.

It simply must me dealt with and disregarded.

I would argue… that it is my color, my muse, the main attribute that makes me..ME.

I have spent my life in pain, so much so that it has become a comfort to me.

I have tried normal, ordinary, typical and it is simply not for me.

After all, how can one be content with the predictable, when they have spent their whole life living through the unexpected.

It takes a lot for me to truly open up and it is not simply that I am guarded, but rather that human relationships take a great deal energy and it has been my experience that many of them are not worth the time and effort you put in.

As a result, I am picky, not scared…don’t get it twisted.

If you are one of the rare that I have allowed myself to love, please know that although this may not mean a great deal to you, it means everything to me.

For you see, you are one of the few. Uniquely flawed and perhaps as equally dead inside as myself. And for someone like me that has more value than conformity.

The more pain you experience, the more you begin to understand that relying on others for your own happiness is a fool’s errand and leads to dependency and the constant need for validation.

Those who have learned to walk alone are themselves on the path to true independence.

They do not need anyone to complete them and refuse to settle for less, even if it takes forever to find or they never find it at all.

Late bloomers if you will, but in my opinion, it is well worth it.

Wouldn’t it be better to hold out for someone who adds to your life rather than chasing down your “other half”?

Be a whole person, find another whole person and spend the rest of your life building the life you have always dreamed of together.