Have you ever wanted to disappear? 

Have you ever wanted to disappear?

Wouldn’t it be amazing, to leave behind all the pain and disappointment of the past and just start over in whatever form that may be.

Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of all of the hard times I have overcome, but that doesn’t mean I am always able to find peace in my present state of being. It doesn’t mean, I am not exhausted or slowly losing the will to fight.

I still carry the weight of hopelessness on my back and every day I ask myself if any of this struggle is really worth it.

There comes a point after losing almost everyone you have ever loved when you have to ask yourself…what is it that I am really fighting for?

More pain, more resentment, more feelings of worthlessness?

All for that slim chance at happiness that never seems to come.

Some days I am able to center myself and push forward by focusing on the positive aspects of my life, but then there are days when appreciation is completely out of my realm of feeling.

Today, was one of those days. I found myself feeling as if nothing really mattered. And for every positive I tried to grip tightly there were a million miserable memories in their way, reminding me of everything I try so hard to hide away from the world.

The truth is, I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.

And honestly, looking back, everything I had ever thought was pure, all the love I once thought was unbreakable…has now been tainted in some way.

It never seems to fail…in the end, I am always alone.

I am never the one they fight for and I am seldom the one anyone gives a second glance.

So why bother…if everyone always leaves, why stay?

For a long time what helped me through was knowing that once upon a time, I had been blessed to experience the kind of love I  have been in search of ever since.

But true to history as it would be, even that has been polluted by reality.

So now as I pour my heart onto the page, I am not hoping for sympathy, but rather reminding myself that this may simply be the way it was meant to be.

And as hard as it is to embrace, maybe moving forward means, leaving it all behind.

 

 

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This Much: A Poem For The Disregarded

Broken Pieces of you still clutter the floor of my mind.

Their preciously hidden strangeness,

A comfort to me in this, the absence of you.

Making love to our memories,

As they delicately tickle these thoughts in my head.

And for a moment, I forget…

That I am alone,

In this,

The most painful love song of all.

Unmistakably one-sided,

Unrequited and adrift.

Yet in the end,

The only one I’ve ever wanted…

This much.

A New Reason to Smile

Like I said the other day, I think we forget sometimes, just how much power we have in creating the life we desire. Sure, there are a million things we can’t control, but the one thing we can control is how we think and therefore how we feel. I know it doesn’t always seem like that. Especially for anyone who battles with depression, anxiety or any other mentally challenging disorders. And I’m not saying it’s easy either, it’s not, but if we ever want to truly be content in this life, we must find a way to change the way we think.

That is the only way to change the way we feel and the negative belief system that has been ruling our lives. After all, a belief is just something you keep thinking over and over again; that doesn’t make it true.

You might be thinking, “Sure, that’s easy for you to say, your life is great!”

And I would reply, “Then, I must be doing a pretty good job of convincing myself it is!”

Hicks always says, “Fake it until you make it!” and that is literally what you have to do, almost every day.

Do you think I wake up every day happy and excited?

Well, I can tell you that is very rare.

For me, depression is like an evil villain lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce on my good mood at any given moment. I never know when it will hit me or what the trigger will be. The only thing I do know for sure is that its visit is inevitable.

Every day before I open my eyes, I take the first thought that comes to mind and should it be a negative one, I take a deep breath and say to myself, “Not today” and then I reach for the closest positive thought I can find. And I continue to do that until I have moved my train of thought over to something or someone that makes me smile.

If that doesn’t work (and sometimes it doesn’t), I may surrender to the moment, but as soon as I have a chance to release those emotions, I take it.

Whether that be writing, painting or simply taking a moment to blubber about it, we all need an outlet. I have a friend who whenever they get upset, they go running and I have another friend who whenever they get upset, they go for a drive.

The point is, we are all human and part of being human means that we are emotional beings. There is nothing we can do to change that.

And emotions are meant to be expressed. It is when they are not that we find ourselves spinning out of control.

Which is why having a support system or at least one person who knows you as well as (if not more than) you know yourself, is detrimental in winning the fight.

We all need that one person who is understanding and supportive, but also not afraid to call us out on our shit!

Something I think we all need every once in a while 🙂

The minute you turn from the ones who care for you, you surrender completely to whatever it is that is causing you to feel that way.

Whether it is a person, a problem or an illness, when you turn away from the world and crawl inside yourself, you are giving up your power to change your circumstance.

You become, the title of one of my favorite Perfect Circle songs – Weak and Powerless.

Maybe this will only last a few months, but there is always a chance of permanence.

Darkness in a world full of color.

The longer you spend in the dark, the harder it becomes to find the light.

Why?

Because every thought you think, results in an emotion and every emotion another thought that leads to another emotion…you get the point.

“when you are feeling insecure you start to think the way you are feeling. Then, you begin to feel the way you think and feeling becomes the means of thinking. When this occurs, the mind becomes immersed in the body and you begin thinking as a body and not as a mind; it becomes your state of being.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza

So when we wallow and believe me, I can be the queen of wallowing sometimes, we begin to validate the negativity we are experiencing.

The story we tell ourselves is incredibly important. It forms the way we see the world and ourselves. As well as determines what we attract into our current reality.

This was a huge revelation I had back in 2016 and it has been my savior over the past few years when it comes to pulling myself back from the downward spiral of emotions that can pull me away from my path.  I wrote a post about it that you can find here, What is Your Story?

Obviously, I have not yet mastered the art and perhaps I never will, but at least I’m trying.

And some part of it must be working, because I am seeing evidence of it more and more as time goes on.

Take for instance that last few months or even all of last year for that matter. It has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

My heart has been broken, friends have let me down and in many cases, I have let myself down, but despite the disappointments of the past, I am still going strong!

I have learned that although it is natural to feel defeated at times or get caught up in someone or some event in our lives, if we dwell in this place for too long, we may let something amazing walk right on by.

Life has a funny way of working itself out and it is way too short to hold on to the people who do not value you or cling to the mistakes of the past. This life is about moving forward, not backward.

Sometimes what we want and what we need are completely opposed to one another and that is just all there is to it.

How do we know the difference?

That is a tough question to answer, but I’ll give it a shot based on my own experiences.

First of all, you should never have to beg for love and/or attention from someone who truly cares for you, because to those who truly care it is something you will never have to question. Words are merely words and leave the lips of the deceitful just the same as they do from those with good intentions.

The difference is that those with good intentions validate those words with actions. We all make mistakes and behave in ways we are not proud of, so I am not saying you should dismiss anyone who doesn’t put you on a pedestal – that’s a bit extreme!

It is okay to give someone a chance to make amends, but be careful about letting them off too easy. The word sorry is over used and over appreciated in my opinion and it is again just a word. True amends are made by going the extra mile, not just apologizing for what you did wrong.

The day you embrace this knowledge you will find that you hold not only yourself, but everyone-else in your life to a higher standard.

And I assure you, when you least expect it, you will cross paths with someone you may have never seen coming, had you been too busy chasing after someone else.

And the same advice is relevant with circumstances too.

Just like people, opportunities will come and go in your life, you just have to try your best to ensure you are going after the right ones and not spending too much time trying to make the wrong ones into something they are not.

We are all in this together… some of us just weren’t meant to walk next to one another.

Image courtesy of suwatpo at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Embracing The Darkness

How can you truly appreciate the light, without embracing the darkness?

For is it not the contrast between that enables growth, change and the prospect of something more?

Throughout my life I have battled with depression as I have expressed here many times before. It is something that for me is always just below the surface, scratching to get out.

Most of the time, I keep it at bay with my writing; poetry mostly.

Which is why I am sure to tell everyone not to read too much into those words.

They are merely a compilation of hope, insecurity and fear that has usually already fizzled before my fingers ever hit the keys.

As I do with inspirational memes and random thoughts, I share them, because I know somewhere out there, they may be just the words someone needs to hear.

A voice to help them feel less alone, to let them know that even the strongest people can feel weak, neglected, and lost, to assure them that just when they think they will never feel loved again, that they will and if that love should fade, they will continue to find it again and again and again.

And I am not just talking about the romantic kind, those of you who have experienced depression understand that. For us, there are moments when all we can see is the darkness. All we can feel is the deep penetrating pain that for me is best described as the complete lack of love.

You honestly feel, even if only for a short time, that your existence on this earth is meaningless. You feel as though everything you have worked so hard to achieve and all the people whose paths you have crossed along the way, wouldn’t think twice if one day you just disappeared. So then, you begin to think about disappearing and if you stay in that place long enough, eventually you might.

I think we are all quick to assume we know the reasoning behind someone’s actions and it is usually rooted in our insatiable need to be offended. We all struggle, some more than most.

And many of us keep it well hidden. If not for the depth of my words, the majority of the people in my life would never know that behind these eyes is a lifetime of suffering.

They would not know that I am prone to believe that everything ends, that everyone leaves, eventually…or how deeply in my heart I wish that someone would prove it all wrong.

Nor would they know that for me, feelings of abandonment and uncertainty are the first to trigger the storm. No matter how much I try, there are somethings that I just can’t shake. But what is of the utmost importance, is that I do try. Over and over again, I try.

Because I know, that it is how we deal with these struggles that define the person we become.

The older I get, the more I am able to control the darkness, but every once in a while it takes me before I see it coming.

It is in those moments, that it must be embraced. For I know that after the clouds have cleared, I will rise anew.

Each time, I am stronger than the last and much more me than I ever was before.

The darkness takes me to a space I keep locked away from the world.

A dungeon filled with broken pieces that have not yet found their place and perhaps they never will.

Each time I fall, I seem to delve deeper.

Just as each time I rise, I seem to stretch higher.

And it is because of this that I am grateful for the darkness.

For without it, I would be unable to appreciate the light.

 

Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Another Foolish Blunder

If you’d asked me why I bother, I’d tell you honestly that I really don’t know.

It should be common knowledge by now that I am not meant to lead a normal life.

Nor am I meant to love or be loved in the usual way.

I’ve said it once before and have found no truer words to describe the disappointment of late.

“…this feeling of constantly searching for your place in a world that will never understand you.

You are different and that is all there is to it.

There comes a day when you realize that you are among the strange. Unique to the composition of your current reality.

The intensity by which you feel will frighten even the bravest of lovers. So you walk alone.

Knowing in your heart that no one is coming to save you. That job is entirely yours.”

I am a prisoner to my own mind these days.

A fault that is purely my own.

For I thought perhaps something had changed.

For a moment it felt like maybe there was more to this life than just being strange.

But…thinking like that will only leave you weary

And I am already exhausted by the hope for something more.

Insulted by my own foolish blunder.

Angry at myself for acting against my better judgement.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable.

After all, I should know better than that.