Silence

The silence thickens as the echoes of laughter slowly fade

I do not remember the quiet tasting quite this bitter

And it’s heavy now 

This feeling in my chest

Yet it is not like before 

Nothing is 

So I close my eyes and drift away to a place I never thought existed.

A place where I am no longer the fool

And there is nothing to be done.

Where the distance between happiness and loneliness grows closer 

Until I am all consumed by the sweet release of sleep.

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Getting Back to Basics

Well I must say, I am in a really amazing place right now! I hope it’s contagious 🙂

I have taken a step back from the chaos of the past six months and it has given me great clarity.

I can see now how easy it can be to lose sight of where we are headed in life. Even when you think you have it all figured out, life has a way of derailing you down a path you never planned.

Sometimes it is a complete dead end and you end up having to track back through the mud and the muck of past lessons you have not quite mastered.

Other times it is simply a detour…you get lost along the way for a bit, but eventually you begin to recognize old patterns and you manage to follow the breadcrumbs right to where you were meant to be.

I wouldn’t say I hit a dead end…it was more like I picked up the wrong trail of breadcrumbs for a while, went in circles for a bit, but eventually ended up back where I needed to be.

It was a humbling experience.

I thought I was an expert at positive thinking. There was no way I would ever fall back into feeling negative all the time! I was wrong, but it was a good reality check for me. I discovered a lot of areas in my life that I still needed to work on and old self defeating behaviors that I thought I had mastered.

I learned that I still have a tendency to take on more than I can handle sometimes and that I have a very  hard time admitting that to anyone…especially myself.  For me, failure in any form is perhaps the feeling I hate the most. Rejection is right up there with it, but that is easier to swallow because it is more like an incompatibility than something you didn’t succeed in. When I interview for a job and I don’t get the position or I go out with someone new and it doesn’t go quite well, I simply chalk it up to not being the  right fit. Failure on the other hand carries all the weight of the expectations associated with the goal you did not reach or the relationship that didn’t work out. Moments of failure are like poison to my normal routine of positive thinking.

It is easy to stay positive when everything in your life is going great, but the real challenge is finding a way to do it when everything seems to be falling apart. But once you do, you will find strength you never knew you had and  discover all the  power to change your circumstance within you.  You are no longer filled with anger and sadness, because you are too preoccupied with finding ways to better your life and the life of those around you.

After this recent reflection, I have a greater appreciation for my life and all of the people in it, regardless of their role. I believe that everyone enters our lives for a reason. Some may treat us poorly, but in most cases those people are the catalyst for some major growth.  I think that is why forgiveness is so freeing. When we place all the blame for our circumstances on others, we carry around the weight of all the pain we associate with them. Replaying significant moments over and over in our mind, stirring up old negative feelings, until it completely prevents us from ever moving forward.

But when we forgive, it is like purging the mind. We are able to look back on those moments with gratitude because we know the role they played in helping us become the person we are today.

Sure it is easier to sit around and bellyache about the painful things that have happened to you in the past, but you are only wasting the small amount of time we have on this earth. Nothing will ever change until you step up and take charge of your own life.

It is not the fault of previous lovers that you are afraid of love or the fault of your parents that you are insecure. It is yours.

Your life went on after those experiences and every day you had a choice as to whether or not to try and move forward and you didn’t. So year after year, you not only carry the weight of the past, but you add to it. Until one day, you begin to accept your fears as simply being a part of who you are. They become an excuse for you to take the easy way out and just settle for your life instead of creating it.

And that is all fine and good if you are happy, but are you? I mean really happy? Or are you just settling for the life you think you have to live?

I know it sounds a little harsh, but it’s true. It would be very easy to blame my mother for all of my insecurities, abandonment issues and fears of failure. And I am pretty sure most would agree she played a role, but that was then and this is now.

Recently, I asked myself those questions. I took a long hard look at every aspect of my life and made myself answer honestly.

And I am not ashamed to admit that my answer was NO for a lot of them. And that was okay because I took it as a challenge. I moved my energy from feeling bad about the less desirable aspects of my life to figuring out what it was that bothered me and finding a way to turn things around.

The difference it has made in me has been transformative and still expanding every day.

I am not saying I won’t run into another detour, but let’s hope this time I make a few less circles around the trail!

 

Blinded by Hope

Oh what a fool…

Those who give their hearts to another.

The sweet taste of deception on their breath.

A child I was

In those all too gracious hands.

A beautiful love

Struck down in its prime by fear

Never to know it’s true potential

It’s power

It’s magnificence.

Drained 

Battered

And bruised.

Not by its failure.

But rather

A baracade of bruises 

Broken hearts

And all together

Awful things.

A fight for love 

Is not a path for the weak

The weary

Or the insecure.

It is a dual for the chosen

A proud moment in time.

One where love conquers all

And all fear is shattered.

It is a love worth fighting for

A future worth the risk.

A battle for the determined

The diligent

The true.

Great love 

Does not stem from the willing

The easy

The meek.

It blooms from the weary

The forgotten

The wronged.

For only they 

Know the true value 

In all they have yet to love.

A Powerful Transformation

You know that feeling you get when you want something so bad you are crawling out of your skin? And the longer it takes to get it the more you seem to want it. I would like to throw out there that maybe what you want is not necessarily what you need and the reason you are not getting it is because something bigger than ourselves is intervening.

I have found that when things don’t turn out the way we would like them to, instead of getting frustrated, it is better to appreciate the difference as a way of expanding our consciousness. All of the teachings I have been studying believe this contrast to be essential in our own personal growth.

In Bronnie Ware’s book, Top 5 Regrets of the Dying,  the number one regret was: I wish I would have had the courage to live the life I knew I was destined to live.

So how can we prevent this?

My suggestion would be to allow ourselves to listen to those inner callings. Pay attention to the pull that we feel from some invisible intelligence, burning desire, or inner light that is constantly speaking to us. Sadly, in many cases we make excuses to ignore it and find out later that we should have gone with our gut, am I right?

I am living proof that when you decide to start listening, your entire life can change. You begin going down a new road that leads to new experiences and opportunities. Ones that you may have never known before.

Deep down, I think we all know that we have a purpose, but for one reason or another we keep ourselves from finding out what it is. We tell ourselves that we are satisfied with our current condition out of fear of failure if we try to pursue another course of action. One that perhaps may mean more to us than any other we have ever encountered. This fear should be our worst enemy, not the puppet master manning our strings.

So, I challenge you to listen to that inner voice, whether it may be to take a different route home, shop at a different store or simply wear something different than you had originally planned for the day.

And then pay very close attention to the moments that manifest (however small they may be) as a result of doing just that.

I think we have all had that moment when we have said to ourselves, “I knew I should have…” or “I should’ve know better”.

Like the day I decided to bring my umbrella to work even though there was no call for rain (I walked to work at the time so it ended up making a huge difference in my day). I woke in the morning, checked the weather as I usually do and decided on an outfit. As I pulled my shirt from the closet, my umbrella fell at my feet and I thought to myself, “I don’t need you today”, but then a moment of doubt crept in that I ignored. I proceeded to finish getting ready, grabbed my back pack and as I walked towards the door I realized I needed something out of the hall closet. So I turned around and just as I opened the closet door another umbrella fell at my feet. An umbrella that oddly enough I had actually borrowed from work and needed to return, so I decided to take it along. Little did I know I would need it about 5 minutes after walking out the door.

Some would call this just a coincidence, but for me it was a sign of something larger at play. For me it was one of those moments of synchronicity that I simply could not ignore and as a result, I avoided a walk in the rain, a day of sitting in wet clothing and possibly the need for an attitude adjustment! haha

I have come to learn that if you allow your life to unfold naturally, you will naturally find your purpose and your peace.

There is a time for everything, not just the positive but the opposite negative aspects as well. I am not trying to tell you that every day is going to come up roses. There is a time for struggle, a time for pain, depression and so on, but in those moments, if you can  remember that there will also be a time for joy, fulfillment and rejoice, you may be better able to grow as a person.

And as you do, you get to a new place in your life where you begin to understand that it is all about balance.

It becomes quite a freeing feeling to realize that you actually have nothing to do, nothing you need to control. When you step back and keep yourself from telling others how they should live and what they should do, you begin to accept them for who and where they are. It is not your duty to control the lives of others and it puts so much unnecessary pressure on your life when you try to do so. It is one thing to care about someone and feel that you have their best interests at heart, but it is important to remember that you are viewing their situation through your own looking glass. What is best for you is not always best for them. Perhaps they need to take a wrong turn in order to learn a very valuable lesson that will serve them greatly in the future. Their life is not yours to lead, to judge or to fix. Just love them and allow their life and your own to unfold naturally.

One of the most powerful lessons in this you can ever learn, I had to learn as a young women. My own mother walked away at a time in my life when I needed her the most. And before that she had lied about her identity including passing down a name to me that was stolen from someone else. She kept me from having a relationship with my biological father and many other relatives that to this day I have yet to meet. These are all things that made me very angry and depressed for many years. It was a grudge that many would agree was a valid one, but what a weight it was to bare.

It was not until I was able to forgive my mother that a very powerful transformation was able to take place. And I did this through writing my memoir. Something I believe was the result of divine intervention. I believe that the opportunities that set the process in motion were sent to me by God or whatever you want to call that divine spirit or divine presence.

I started the process during a very difficult time in my life. I was at an all-time low emotionally & physically. Things were just not working out for me. I was overweight, my relationships were not working, I was drinking more frequently, and I had stopped growing creatively. Things were not horrible by any means, but I knew in my heart that I was not living up to my true potential. I realize now that it was because I was carrying around all this hatred and bitterness for my mother.

Once I was able to accept her for who she was, I no longer needed my mother to be someone she was not. She would never be fully present in my life. She would never be someone I was able to count on and that was okay because I was a stronger person as a result of her absence. My anger and sadness had turned into gratitude and confidence. And more importantly, it is because of this revelation that I was able to find my purpose. I believe I was meant to empower others, to help them down the path to finding their inner peace, inspiration and light. It gives me great joy, so much so that there is no denying that this is the journey I was meant to take.

When I was finally able to sever the attachment to those old wounds, my life took on a life changing transformation. Everything began to fall into place. My writing came more naturally and at a much higher level. I embarked on the journey of self-improvement that I have been sharing with all of you and I have never felt better.

Relationships that never worked out have all turned out to be blessings in disguise. Loves I thought had been lost were never really present to begin with and gave me great insight into traits that were merely lacking in myself; confidence, security, self-assurance, faith, trust and acceptance. I am no longer on the hunt for love because  I know it will come when the time is right and for that reason I hold no intention of rushing it because if the time is not right, it will never work out. To all those who have tossed me aside, I have nothing but gratitude for they unknowingly saved me from myself.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to tell anyone how to live. I am simply sharing my experiences and this life altering revelation with you in the hopes that it may help in some way to improve areas of your life that you feel need addressing. Like many, I used to place blame on others for the way my life was. It was not until I took responsibility for my current condition that I was able to truly make a change. The point I want to drill home is that from my experience, I have found that we have the power within us to seize the opportunity in any given moment and make a change. Whatever it is that is creating stress in our lives is in itself a chance to learn, a chance to grow and a chance to change our circumstance. How you feel is a choice. You can choose to be angry or you can chose to be fulfilled and the choice you make will set the pace for all that comes next.

It is my greatest desire for you to find joy among this vast environment of negativity that can sometimes feel inescapable. And that at the end of your days you will hold no regrets, but instead hold an enormous amount of gratitude for the life you have led.

Wishing you all the best! Thank you for reading.

Weekly Inspiration: Dear Me

What would I tell my younger self?

I have been reading my old high school journals to help with the timeline for my next memoir. It is a very strange feeling to be reading the words of your teenage self. There was so much sadness and anger on those pages that I began to feel anxious. I just wanted to reach through the pages and give myself a hug, to tell myself to calm down and that it would all work out okay.

For this reason, I keep getting stuck. I have spent so much time trying to move forward and have made such great strides in self improvement that it is uncomfortable revisiting that head space. It is so far from where I am now that I have trouble relating. Although, like with Insane Roots it is a good therapy session. With each book I grow and this one is proving to be no different. But how do I keep myself from getting bogged down in the energy of it? This need to comfort my younger self?

Then I remembered what a dear friend of mine told me about a process of self healing that involved doing just that.

I am sure you can remember a time in your life when you felt alone, depressed or let down in some way. By going back to that time in your mind and giving yourself the comfort you lacked in that moment so long ago, you have the ability to heal old wounds. It may sound ludicrous to some, but if you are game I urge you to try it. After all, what do you really have to lose?  I seriously doubt it could be bad for you.

It was in one of those moments that I started thinking about all the things I would tell my younger self.

Now don’t get me wrong, if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change anything. I like myself just as I am, scars and all.

I would however tell myself to stop and smell the roses and to never forget the importance of spending time with the ones you love. Time is so precious and each day a gift. You never know how much time you have with someone until it is too late. So, use your time wisely and spend it with those you hold closest to your heart.

Okay, your turn! What would you tell your younger self?