So much has happened since Friday’s meltdown that I almost don’t know where to begin, except to say that sometimes everything has to fall apart in order to fall together.
Last week was one of those weeks where everything seemed to go wrong. The details of which don’t really matter. It was just one thing after another until it eventually became too much.
I’ve been doing so well with handling my depression that I was really disappointed in myself that I allowed it to grab hold of me the way it did, but I realize now just how necessary it was to begin this next phase of my life.
I did some much needed re-evaluating of my life and myself this weekend, including the relationships with others and how I am allowing them to impact me and in some cases hold me back.
I was caught up in such a spiral that I knew the only way to do that was to leave my house aka my comfort zone and completely detach from everything and everyone. So, I left Friday afternoon to go camping, left my phone in the car, bought a new notebook & some fancy pens (it’s an addiction 🙂 ) and escaped from it all.
It may have only been 3 days, but I feel like a new and improved me!
I started by centering on the common emotions I feel when I am spiraling and trying to get to the bottom of where and why they have the ability to have such power over me.
We all go through dark times and it is necessary if you want to grow in any way and if none of us know what’s next than is there any other reason to move forward but to grow? I welcome the darkness sometimes, but it is when it takes control that it gets truly scary.
It almost always begins with overwhelming sadness, but isn’t that really what depression is? Why was I so sad? I have a million things to be thankful for, but when I am in those moments of spiraling out of control, I find it hard to reach for any good feeling and I end up in a state of what’s the point? instead.
And that is when it clicked. It is the feelings of hopelessness, unworthiness and lack of purpose that are at the root of it all. In those moments, I feel as though I have no place in this world, that my life is meaningless. Over the years, I have given so much of myself to others, only to be left behind and so I have this belief inside of me that I am unlovable, unwanted, undervalued and that everyone leaves in the end.
That is simply not true or at least it doesn’t have to be.
This is my life, my time and I need to stop giving so much of myself to other people. Especially those who do not appreciate it or me.
I need to find a way to give my life purpose, not for others, but for myself.
It is much easier said than done of’course, but I was determined to find a way. I don’t want to feel the way I did on Friday ever again. I know that may not be entirely possible right away, but we all have to start somewhere.
The two biggest challenges for me is finding balance, specifically, the balance between work/relationships & personal time, but how?
Let it all go and see what/who stays.
In regards to relationships, I asked myself the following questions:
Who are the people I gravitate the most towards?
Who is there when I really need them?
Who are the people who have shown me (not told me; words are cheap) they really value having me in their life?
Who are the people I feel most drained around? Those I associate with more out of obligation than an actual desire to spend time with them?
What are the relationships that I am putting more effort in than I am receiving?
Those that fall into the first three categories, are my people. Those who fall into the last two are people who have got to go!
It’s time to weed that friend garden and give the energy to those who truly deserve it, instead of wasting it on people who find no value in having me in their life.
Today, I feel refreshed. As though a large weight has been taken from my shoulders.
I didn’t just go over the people in my life, I reviewed my goals for the future, personal and work related. I took a long hard look at my life and the people in it as a whole and I am excited to move forward, even if some folks will not be coming with me.
I have such a better handle on everything now.
It’s like the clouds have finally cleared and I am no longer searching for the sun; I am the sun!