Well, today I hit my breaking point. I feel foolish admitting it, but sometimes I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. You know…this life thing.
In my heart I know that is not true. After all I have been through in my life, is there really anything I can’t overcome?
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t become too much sometimes. There are moments when it feels like everything is falling apart around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
The search for clarity becomes one of overwhelming defeat and I am left with what seems like nowhere else to go.
It is never just one thing, one emotion, but rather so many it makes my head spin and I can barely catch my breath.
And in some cases, like today, the emotional pain becomes so much that it becomes physical.
The best way I can explain it is this heaviness in my heart. Like someone is standing on my chest as my bones crack beneath their feet.
And the worst part about it is that it is almost as if I feel like I deserve the pain…is that really messed up or what?!
Spiraling this much is actually not that common for me. I have my ups and downs, a little spiral here, a little spiral there, but always manageable.
This time it’s much worse. I haven’t felt this out of control emotionally in a very long time.
I am pretty seasoned at beating my demons but I am only human and there is only so much a person can take before they begin to crumble. And crumbling I am.
I know it will pass eventually and if someone asked what it is I am in need of, I’m not sure…maybe a hug?
Or perhaps just to being held for a moment would make it all okay.
Whatever it is I need, I know it’s not words. I’ve tasted that poison too many times before. Words mean nothing when spoken in vain.
I desperately need action of some sort.
I feel so alone, unvalued & misunderstood.
Again, my rational mind knows that is not true, but I can’t seem to convince the rest of me of the same.
I know it sounds silly but I have this overwhelming feeling that I am simply broken beyond repair.
Unloveable and becoming unable to love.
And not just the romantic kind of love although I’m not sure that will ever be possible again unless I can get a certain someone out of my head.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and take back the confession of my love to him. I would have kept those feelings hidden forever if he hadn’t told me it wasn’t all in my head, that he felt it too, but that’s something else entirely. People change their minds and it’s not like he’s gone from my life. I treasure our friendship, even if it hurts sometimes.
What’s going on is so much more than unrequited love. After all if there is one thing I know how to deal with and very well for that matter, it’s rejection.
I’m sure the longing I feel for him is part of the pain I am experiencing right now, but I’ve been dealing with that for almost a year now. It’s always there under the surface, reminding me of something I will never have.
Today is no different, but there is so much more at play here.
Everything seems to be falling apart around me, including me.
I’m exhausted and angry at myself for being exhausted all at the same time! It’s excruciating.
And the scariest part is this is the first time I’m not quite sure what to do. Normally, I would surrender to the darkness, ride out the wave and revel in how brightly I burn after it all fades.
And then…it would all become art.
This time there is not a doubt in my mind that surrendering is the opposite of what I should do this time.
How do I know this?
Because the last time I felt this way, I did and well if you’ve been following along all I have to say is…it’s only happened twice before and it wasn’t pretty.
So what do I do?
The only thing I can think of.
To step back from it all, from everyone and re-evaluate my life.
Where am I going? What am I doing? Do I stay or do I go?
It’s time to answer those questions.
The search for the answers will be a much needed distraction and when I find myself struggling, I just have to focus on all the positive things in my life.
Even though they feel hard to grasp right now, I know I have the power to rise above it.
I just need to find my strength again.