I am not quite sure when it really began, but somewhere along the way my relationship (or lack there of) with love has become one of constant disappointment.
I look around at all these couples and I think to myself, I wonder what it would be like? To be chosen…and not just for the moment, which is usually about as long as anyone stays…but with the intention of forever.
What would it be like to be more than an afterthought to the person who holds your heart in their hands?
At this rate, I’m not sure I’ll ever know. Unless I find a way to start telling a new story.
Perhaps it all started when my mother left me the first time. Did I begin creating this idea that I was unlovable way back then?
Or maybe it was the man I dated when I was 15 who mentally & physically abused me until there was barely any fight left.
Or my best friend in high-school who knew how much I loved him and used me over and over again because he knew he could. Until one day, I overheard him telling a friend he was so desperate to find someone that he may have to settle with me.
All of those years, while I was struggling to understand what it meant to love and be loved, I was experiencing it with all the wrong people.
I thought I loved those people, but I realize now, I was just trying to figure out how to love and the lessons I learned with them didn’t give me much in the way of positive perspectives.
Then there was the sexual assault when I was in college, which obviously did a bit of damage to my psyche, but it is not like that was something I hadn’t dealt with before.
The before mentioned man I dated when I was 15 used to shove my face into a pillow and force himself on me and not just in the usual way if you know what I mean. I used to pray that he would end up smothering me to death so it would all just be over.
And I am not trying to throw myself a pity party here, honestly! I just really want to get to the bottom of all of this in order to end the cycle.
Even if I end up alone, it would be a whole hell of a lot better than continuing this pattern of falling for the wrong men or chasing after someone who has no desire to be caught…well at least not by me.
I survived all of that, all of those people and believe it or not I found a way to not only love someone, but to love myself.
Sure the man I loved turned out to be gay and every man I loved after him walked away…but the point is that I rose above it all.
Which is why I know I can beat this, I just need to figure out how.
I used to think it was because I wasn’t thin enough or pretty enough to be important to anyone or at least not permanently, but instead, merely a place holder until something better came along.
However, I am no longer without self-worth. I know it has nothing to do with me physically.
And from what I have been told by those I’ve dated previously, I was one of the easiest going people they had ever been with. I am independent, self-assured, intelligent and extremely laid back. I am on good terms with nearly all of them and several have even returned with the intention to try it again, so what is the deal?!
All of those relationships ended purely because of incapability and that is just how life goes. That is not what I am frustrated about.
It is all those I have loved who, well…to put it bluntly, felt I was only good enough to play with or dangle on a string, but never enough to call girlfriend.
They are the ones I allowed to break me so many times. And I say allowed, because I did it all to myself and it needs to stop.
The truth is, as much as it hurts to stand face to face with someone who means more to you than they will ever know, it’s not their fault. They can’t help it if they don’t love you, just like you can’t help that you do love them.
I know I have said this before, but it will always be worth repeating.
“…the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious…please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you?….Exactly.”
I think remembering this may be the key to breaking the cycle.
You see, I have wasted years in waiting, hanging on to false hope from kind words that were never anything more than the brush off.
I have been “brushed off” so to say more times than I really want to admit and in looking back, in most cases that was a good thing. I mean do I really want to be with someone who has any hesitation as to how they feel about me? Seems kinda dumb now when I put it like that…
I may not be able to help who I love, but I can certainly save myself a bit of heart break and time for that matter if I would just take my own advice.
The bottom line is that when you love someone, no matter the circumstances, if they love you back, I mean really love you back, there will be nothing to force and you shouldn’t need to question it.
If you are, than it’s time to move on. If it’s meant to be, love will follow, if not, something better is most likely just around the corner.