I Wonder

I know what it’s like not to be wanted.

I wonder what it would be like to be desired?

Would the broken pieces begin to somehow fit back together or are they destined to remain, jagged edged graves paying tribute to the past?

I know how much it hurts to be left behind.

I wonder how amazing it would be if someone decided to stay?

To choose me? For my presence in someones life to be something worth fighting for?

I know what it takes to lie to yourself. So convincingly, that even you believe for a moment it won’t always feel this way.

I know what it feels like to be a familiar comfort to someone you wish you didn’t love.

I know what it’s like to struggle in their presence. To feel as though you can’t hold it together for another minute.

The absence of love’s reciprocation rising like an impending storm just on the horizon.

You see, knowledge has a way of seeping in sometimes. Reminding you of all the things, you will never hear him say and most of all, that he too, will never stay.

It is in the moments after when all illusions fade.

There is no denying the truth.

In the end, everyone leaves.

So the big question is, what am I fighting for? What is the lesson in all of this and what is the point of learning it if we all become worm food in the end?

And that is when it really becomes hard to keep moving forward.

I know what it feels like to want to crawl inside yourself, to build up the walls, to put on the mask.

I know what it feels like to wish that tomorrow would never come.

Not because you want to die, but simply because it is the only way you can see of ending the pain.

I’ve been there, on the verge.

Starring down at the metal resting on my skin.

For a moment, I feel in control.

And I wonder… how I would be remembered? Will I be remembered? And if so, by whom?

And then I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice I was gone? Days, weeks, months? A year?

 

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