Existential Crisis?

What if the main lesson we are supposed to master in this life is not for us to all come together as one, but rather to learn how to find solace in being alone; individually independent?

After all, we have tried for years to unify this world and where has it taken us? Some may say closer together, but I would argue, that we are more divided now than ever before.

We live in a world of instant gratification. A place where deep discussions with another human being face to face or even over the phone have become a rarity.

It is the ME generation. Where our interactions with others have become more focused on what they can do for us than what we can do together.

I wish what I was saying was simply rooted in my own cynicism, but I see evidence of its reality every day.

The actions of others (or lack there of) can be very telling, if you are paying attention. I have spent so much of my life trying to see the good in people that in many cases, I overlooked some very obvious signs that their intentions were untrue.

I think I wanted so much to believe that I mattered to them in the way they mattered to me that it became easier to lie to myself than to see what was directly in front of me.

Oh the heart break I would have saved myself!!

No sweat though, I hold no regrets there. It was all valuable in bringing me to the place I am today and contributed to the beautifully broken person I am, regardless of others’ ability to appreciate it.

“I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

And that is why I am changing my tune.

When I think of all the pain and disappointment in my life, the majority of it was rooted in expectations that either I or society has placed on other people.

We operate from this selfish need to be valued by others, when if we were only to find value in ourselves and say screw  everyone else, wouldn’t we eliminate this ridiculous idea in our heads that we are only worth what others perceive us to be?

I have found myself so angry these past few weeks and up until a few days ago, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I chalked it up to being burnt out, tired or whatever and in part that is it. I am exhausted, but not necessarily in the physical sense. Although, over analyzing things the way I do could play a role in that as well.

In reality though, it is more existential.

Every single day, I struggle internally with so much that I can’t even begin to explain. I am just so tired of it all.

If there was a pill I could take to never feel anything ever again…love, hate, passion, fear, anger, disappointment, anxiety, loneliness, sadness…I am not sure I would be able to pass it up. I’m not gonna lie, there are days where I feel as though I am operating as an emotionless machine in a world full of humans and it has its appeal.

“…And all the people say
You can’t wake up, this is not a dream
You’re part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline…” – Halsey, Gasoline.

But that would be the cowards way out and if there is anything I am NOT, it is a coward. So as tempting as it is to leave it all behind, I stay and I continue to fight what feels like a losing battle.

I used to have this love for life…for people.

It’s sad really. How the world can turn a person cold.

How the people you care for the most can be the reason you never search for love again.

And that is why it is so important to tell those closest to you just how much they mean to you.

If I have learned anything in this life, it is that anyone can be taken from you in the blink of an eye and the only true regrets I have are the words I never had the chance to say.

Friends that were taken too young, who I will never have the chance to tell, how much they inspired me. Or the mentor who left this world before I was able to express to them my gratitude for never giving up on me.

And most of all, the love I found so hard to give to the one man who loved me just as I am. The wisest man I never really took the time to get to know before his time on this earth was over. He knew I loved him, but I wish I could have told him how much.

As of today,  I am going to try my very best to move forward without the need for love in my heart.

Maybe then I will stop giving mine away so easily to the undeserving and instead express it more freely to those who never leave me wondering whether they feel the same.

It is about damn time I realize that I am worthy of more than I allow myself to settle for. My presence in this world is of value and those who freely disregard it are the unworthy ones.

The hardest part will of course be not to get tangled up in those heart strings. After all, when you care about someone it can be hard to simply turn it off.

Even if all the signs are there that they will be your undoing. The heart wants what the heart wants even if getting it means a bullet straight its core.

Obviously, I have thought long and hard about that or else I wouldn’t be writing about it now – you know how I work 🙂

So here it is…my so-called plan if you will…

Balance. Or more simply, what you give, is what you get.

The amount of attention, courtesy, and consideration you give to me, is exactly what you will get in return; no more and no less.

It sounds very simply and for any new relationships/friendships it pretty much is. No boundaries have been set yet or emotions unbalanced in any way.

It is the old unions that will be the challenge, because you see, you have already allowed a certain pattern of behavior that has formulated a belief system around the balance in that friendship/relationship.

For example, fairly recently as you know, I found the strength to discuss my depression on a level that has been very freeing and from the feedback, helpful to others’ who suffer the same.

Owning my issues ( I hate to use that word) has given me a greater sense of myself. I feel more confident in who I am and more refined in what I want. I no longer apologize for or hide the way I am feeling from the world…okay well for the most part I don’t, I’m trying! The point is, in embracing myself for who I am, I have been able to find the courage to speak up when I would normally stay silent and to stop making excuses for people’s bad behavior, but instead, call them out on it!

It has led to some intense interactions, let me tell you!

And sometimes it is as simple as not doing anything at all. It’s funny, once people get used to taking you for-granted, they don’t take it so well when suddenly you are not so available to them.

It becomes a culling of sorts or as I like to say, weeding the friend garden.

Though, the best examples I think are the friendships that ended with no interaction at all. Now that is when you know you really screwed up. If I have reached the point where I simply walk away with no explanation, that is when there is truly no going back.

There are a rare few who have made it there and I am sure they’d confirm for you, but…I don’t talk to them anymore so …haha! 🙂

Maybe it is that I am getting older and I have realized how little time I have left on this plane that has led me to this somewhat existential crisis. Time is becoming more and more precious and with as much as I work, my personal time doubly so.

I guess I am just searching for some type of balance or effortless existence that doesn’t really exist, but it seems like something worth looking for in the off chance it does.

Lately, I find myself enjoying my time alone more than my time spent out in the world. Things and people I used to enjoy bore me at times, but there is this pattern of thought ingrained in my mind that history = closeness/security and it is just not true.

I wonder how much socializing I do based on obligation? I don’t think I want to know.

I am starting to understand why they call it an existential crisis now…

 

 

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