Let’s Just Be Honest

This may sound like a public service announcement and maybe it is a little…

You see, I sat in deep reflection last night, reviewing my life in great detail and as painful as it has been to embrace the cold hard facts, if it saves someone else from making the same mistakes (or less of them at least), than I guess it makes it easier to embrace them as lessons rather than failures.

Let me start by asking, how many of you have been in love? I mean truly/unconditionally in love with another person? And if you don’t know, than the answer is most likely NO. Cause, let me tell you, you’d know.

Now, I’ve had it twisted myself at times, but once you feel it, I mean really feel it, nothing else compares.

And that is not to say that every relationship I have been in has been with someone I was truly in love with either…that was part of the revelation.

In reviewing my many failed attempts at relationships, one thing became very clear: Either you feel it or you don’t, it’s that simple.

All this BS about timing or not being ready is just that, BS.

When I think about the one great love of my life, the timing was all wrong and neither of us were ready, but we didn’t care. All that mattered to us was being together.

Sure we had our share of disagreements, but at the end of the day, we never loved one another any less. Even to this day, there is never a question in my mind as to in-penetrable bond between us. Sure the dynamic of our relationship/friendship has changed over the years, but that is a story for another day, let’s just say we now share a common interest…MEN! 🙂

Anyway…I guess my point is that we all seem to make the search for love so much more difficult than it needs to be. We seem to find ourselves staying in relationships out of comfort, chasing all the wrong people or hanging on to a hope that someday it will all work out. And for what? Why?

The cold hard truth is that all the signs are usually right in front of us that it is not meant to be, but out of some need to be loved we keep chasing, we refuse to see them.

Let’s be honest, telling someone you are ‘just not that into them’ is a bit of an awkward conversation to have.

We think we are doing right by saying something like, “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I am just not looking for anything serious right now”.

It is a way of letting them down easy without completely breaking their heart.

Seems logical right?

In my opinion…it’s bullshit. Not all cases of ‘course, there are some exceptions to the rule, like people in rehab, or whatever, but for the rest of us…is that really what we mean or is it just a way for us not to feel bad about telling someone we don’t feel the same and we never will?

I have been on both sides of this and neither are pleasant. Obviously, the side of rejection being the worst.

What I am about to say may come across as a bit harsh, but life lessons usually are.

Love is blind and the need for it crippling. Which is why it is so important to learn to love yourself above all else.

You may be thinking that is easy for me to say, but remember, looks can be deceiving. I too harbor my own special set of demons.

The path in conquering them has led me here, hopefully to impart some of the wisdom gained by my experiences to save someone else from making the same mistakes.

Okay, so like I said above…Rule #1 and the most important of them all! -Learn how to love yourself.

And I don’t mean every second of every day…(do people like that even exist?), but you need to get to a point where your happiness does not depend on someone else. 

I think this is the biggest issue in relationships. There is this idea perpetuated in society that we need to find someone to complete us, or more insultingly save us. As a result we begin searching for this other half before we have even begun to understand who we are or what true love really is.

That is an awful lot of pressure to put on someone; your happiness. Not to mention it is an impossible task for anyone but yourself, so we are setting them up to disappoint us from the very beginning. Which they do, because they can’t help not to and this continues to happen over and over again until the entire relationship unravels.

Ask me how I know? 🙂

My New Year’s resolution in 2015 was not only to learn to love myself, but to find myself. After all, it is hard to love someone you don’t really know! And so the journey began. I started a new blog (check out the 1st post here), moved to a new city and set the course for massive change.

It took almost two years, but by the start of 2017, I could confidently say I know who I am, what I want, and most importantly, what I am worth! And for anyone who battles with depression, you know just how big of an accomplishment that was.

I finally felt ready to give dating another try. It didn’t pan out as you know, but I learned two more very important lessons.

1. No matter how much you grow as a person or how much you love yourself, being vulnerable with someone will always hold the potential of pain, but it also holds the possibility of finding what is truly meant to be. Tomorrow is not promised and if we never try, we will never know.

2. True love knows nothing of time. It will not wait for you to be ready or the timing to be right. Genuine, unconditional love between two destined souls has one goal and one goal alone…Unity.  You will not have to search for it, you will not have to chase it and you will not have to question it. If you are doing any of those three things, it is not meant to be.

I will leave you with these parting words of wisdom. I hope they give you the courage to continue fighting and save you a bit of heartbreak along the way.

Please do yourself a favor, don’t wait. Don’t be afraid to try your hand at love. You may lose it all in the end, but then again it may be the best decision you ever made. Wouldn’t it be better to know?

And the next time you fall for someone and they tell you they are not looking for anything serious, remind yourself of what I have said.

And please know that what they most likely mean is… they are not looking for anything serious… with you. In all frankness, if they were to meet the right person tomorrow, do you really think there would be anything stopping them? Would there be anything stopping you?….Exactly.

Remember that.

Don’t hang on to the possibility that one day they will change their mind and if you just hold on long enough, you will be the one they choose.

Go live your life, they are. As much as it hurts, not everyone you love is going to love you back in the same way. It’s not their fault and it’s nothing you can change.

It either is or it isn’t…that is all there is to it.

Don’t waste your time chasing the wrong person, you might end up over looking the right one 🙂

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