Conveniently Disregarded

In this life, we are forced to make decisions on an almost constant basis. Sometimes we operate on auto pilot and in others we ponder the choices before us, exploring every angle of their consequences.

I think the true character of a person can be found in neither. But rather in the instantaneous actions or reactions to a choice made quickly. In the fragile moment before action, the place one’s mind goes reveals a lot about their true intentions, even if they don’t realize it.

In the age of cell phones and Apple watches, an un-returned message can be taken much more harshly than someone not returning the message you left on their answering machine in the 90’s. People are expected to respond, if not immediately.

And why? Because when you think about my a fore mentioned point about those fragile moments before one makes a decision…No response = Non-priority, or at least that is how it is perceived.

I disagree however, I think that is a little dramatic.

I never expect an immediate response from anyone. Do you know how many times I simply turn my ringer off on a Saturday, spend the whole day in the yard, never looking at my phone once?!

I think it is important to detach sometimes and I know that I personally need that or I would lose my mind!

Now if you have had no response from several texts, than chances are you are being conveniently disregarded.

And let me tell you from experience, it’s most likely your own fault. I like to think I have always been the loyal friend everyone can count on. Even those who have wronged me end up forgiven and I fall back in line again for their torture.

Then one day I realized that maybe it was time to start setting higher expectations. Not just for my friends and family, but for myself. I always said I wanted someone who would fight for me, but maybe the reason no one ever does is because I never give them a reason to think I’d ever go away.

If I want to be treated like someone with value, than I had better start learning to value myself.

Ever since my mother left the first time, I have had this overwhelming feeling that I was unlovable, that there was no point in revealing my true self to anyone, because in the end they all just go away, so what was the point?…Dark I know.

It became the main story I told myself for years and years. There was always going to be something wrong with me, some deal breaker that would make anyone I tried to love end up leaving me in the end.

As time moved on, various relationships and friendships continued to validate this idea that in the end I was destined to walk among the strange. Fitting into the world, my armor, as I struggled to make it through the dim normalcy of the every day.

I think it’s time I put down the armor…or at least try a little harder to shed a few layers 🙂

I need to be done apologizing for being myself, for needing my space, or for taking the time I need to heal over whatever, whenever. It has been my experience that keeping up this charade, the appearance of togetherness is debilitating.

Sure my crazy antics may scare people away and my sense of humor my be a bit rooted in the gutter, but let’s be honest, I’m a rare breed and rare breeds seldom travel in herds.

Call it an acquired taste, I’m not for everyone!

So I guess what I am saying is, the next time you are conveniently disregarded, don’t think about it as a disappointment, but rather the universe giving you direction. If you think about it, it could be a real time saver to pay attention to signs like these.

If I were to spend more time noticing what was right in front of me (or not in front of me), I’d waste a lot less time focusing where I shouldn’t be.

I have been paying attention to the moments I have just before deciding to do something and it has been quite revealing.

And well, I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say at the root of it all…I want what I want and I want it yesterday.

It’s a little hard to admit, but it’s the truth and it has been eye opening.

I will literally find myself making a decision that I know will bring me pain later, simply because I want the instantly gratifying feeling of disillusionment, even if just for a moment.

Perhaps it is the flaw in my code. The deep rooted comfort I seem to find in pain.

What can I say the darkness is my muse. 🙂

 

 

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