I think I may be getting stranger by the day.
And I seem to care less and less about the opinions of others as the days go on.
My edges are growing jagged and my heart growing cold.
Am I turning into a narcissist or is it just that I am settling into the sociopath I was always meant to be?
Either way, I feel lighter and more in control of the world around me.
I have spent so much of my life as a marter, a people pleaser, and where has it lead me?
Sure it is to the benefit of everyone else in my life, but in the end would they do the same for me? – Some…yes, but for most, I am just a convenient doormat on which to wipe their feet when life gets them down or they are needing a bit of validation.
And then, after I have served my purpose of stroking their ego or providing comfort in their hour of need, they put me back on the shelf where I will sit and collect dust until I am needed once again.
I know being reliable is a good trait to have, but I don’t think I can be that person any more. Nor do I want to be that person anymore.
It is unfulfilling, exhausting and honestly a waste of the talents I now have the confidence to embrace.
And what’s so wrong with being a little selfish sometimes?!
Selfish people know what they want and are not afraid to ask for it. Isn’t that what most of us are struggling to figure out in this life? Does it really make you a narcissist or a sociopath just because you are not afraid to put yourself first?
And besides, who says being a sociopath is such a bad thing.
Oh ya… those whose definitions are skewed by the constructs of modern medicine and societal stigmas.
Contrary to what you’ve heard, not all sociopaths are psychopaths. Even though much of the psychology field uses the term synonymously.
They are not all completely without empathy and/or remorse as many of their defining traits would have you believe.
It is simply that they don’t express such emotions in the way most people do.
Sociopaths view the world much differently than the mass population and in my personal opinion, in many cases, their view point is one that has evolved to a place of more rational, individual, intelligent thought.
They hold no desire to fit in, to follow the herd or to live the life that has been laid out for them.
Instead, they chose to pave their own way and live the life they desire and say the hell with everyone else and their opinions.
Seems to me like a rather freeing existence.
And why this sudden revelation you ask?
Because for once in my life, I know what it feels like to be appreciated, valued for the person I truly am and not just for what I do for others.
There was a time in my life when I was afraid to stand up for myself or even speak my mind for that matter.
Looking back, I allowed myself to feel such misery. All because I was worried about losing someone.
Well you know what?
All those people I compromised myself for and even the one that I didn’t, left me behind anyway. The knowledge that I would always be around made it easy for them to brush me aside until they needed something from me once again.
After my last broken heart, something snapped inside me. I realized that all the pain I was feeling, I brought on myself by once again being too available to someone who merely needed me for the moment. Now that the moment has passed he is no longer in need of my comfort, he never gives me a second thought or any thought for that matter.
I realized, I was broken inside, but he wasn’t.
I loved him so much that I never stopped to ask myself if he ever really felt the same about me. If only, I would have realized sooner that I was merely a comfort to a friend and nothing more, then maybe I could have avoided all those sleepless nights.
It was in this moment of revelation when everything changed.
I am tired of sitting on a shelf waiting to be needed and I am not going to do it anymore.
I am putting myself first for once and moving on with my life.
When the same people reach out to me for sympathy, validation or assistance, they may be quite surprised to find that I am no longer there.
They can blame all those who have come before them and drained the very essence of my being, but it will make no difference.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved in return, but I wasted that love on all the wrong people and now I fear I have nothing more to give.
So, from here on out, I shall put myself on the pedestal I reserve for everyone else.
This is my time to be selfish, to find the joy I have allowed so many others to take away.
I no longer crave feelings of love and acceptance from anyone but myself.
I am worth so much more than how I have been treated and it is time to take back my life and discover the person I have never had the courage to be.