Have you ever wanted to disappear?
Wouldn’t it be amazing, to leave behind all the pain and disappointment of the past and just start over in whatever form that may be.
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of all of the hard times I have overcome, but that doesn’t mean I am always able to find peace in my present state of being. It doesn’t mean, I am not exhausted or slowly losing the will to fight.
I still carry the weight of hopelessness on my back and every day I ask myself if any of this struggle is really worth it.
There comes a point after losing almost everyone you have ever loved when you have to ask yourself…what is it that I am really fighting for?
More pain, more resentment, more feelings of worthlessness?
All for that slim chance at happiness that never seems to come.
Some days I am able to center myself and push forward by focusing on the positive aspects of my life, but then there are days when appreciation is completely out of my realm of feeling.
Today, was one of those days. I found myself feeling as if nothing really mattered. And for every positive I tried to grip tightly there were a million miserable memories in their way, reminding me of everything I try so hard to hide away from the world.
The truth is, I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.
And honestly, looking back, everything I had ever thought was pure, all the love I once thought was unbreakable…has now been tainted in some way.
It never seems to fail…in the end, I am always alone.
I am never the one they fight for and I am seldom the one anyone gives a second glance.
So why bother…if everyone always leaves, why stay?
For a long time what helped me through was knowing that once upon a time, I had been blessed to experience the kind of love I have been in search of ever since.
But true to history as it would be, even that has been polluted by reality.
So now as I pour my heart onto the page, I am not hoping for sympathy, but rather reminding myself that this may simply be the way it was meant to be.
And as hard as it is to embrace, maybe moving forward means, leaving it all behind.