As you all know, I have been struggling with how to begin writing the next installment of Insane Roots; my story. And it truly is my story.
This time, it is more than a collection of memories from my childhood woven together with emotion and neatly printed on a page.
That was merely the foundation for the person I am today. The things I have experienced do not define me. Sure, they had something to do with the end result, but we all feel heartbreak. That in itself is not unique.
The real story, is how I came to find myself along the way.
It is in the journey of discovering my inner strength.
I have felt broken more than a time or two in my life, but every time, I manage to find the courage to pick myself up and move forward. THAT defines me!
Sometimes I may only muster up enough to put on my mask long enough to get through the day, but the point is that I do it.
Over and over again, I do it.
On the inside, I may be falling apart, but to the rest of the world, I have it all together.
Telling that story, means baring my soul. It means, sharing my darkest secret.
The secret…that deep beneath the surface lies someone they will never understand.
She doesn’t think like you. She doesn’t love like you and most of all, she doesn’t understand you.
This person goes out into the world each day hidden behind a mask of social acceptance.
Sometimes it is the only thing that gets them to tomorrow.
And let me be clear, I am not talking about just putting on a happy face. My closest friends can see right through that!
It’s something more. Something only another person wearing one would understand (and I’ve only met one in my life).
I alluded to it once in a poem and it is perhaps the best explanation I can give to the reasoning behind wearing the mask.
For A Moment – Insane Roots 8.30.17 (excerpt)
“Sometimes I feel as though I was not meant for this world
But rather a lonely spectator
Watching in the shadows
As the lives of others pass me by
Perhaps in another time
Or another place
Somewhere between tomorrow and today
I am lost
among the mysteries of the universe
To sum it up, it is the feeling of constantly searching for your place in a world that will never understand you.
You are different and that is all there is to it.
There comes a day when you realize that you are among the strange. Unique to the composition of your current reality.
The intensity by which you feel will frighten even the bravest of lovers. So you walk alone.
Knowing in your heart that no one is coming to save you. That job is entirely yours.
And maybe there is more to all of this.
Maybe I am lingering in the doorway to something beyond our current human constructs… or maybe it is simply that I was never meant to be understood.