Well, today is my mother’s birthday and I wish I had better news…
I don’t know whether to be worried or disappointed. For the..well let’s be honest, I’ve lost count…for the umpteenth million time in my life, my mother is missing…again.
As most of you know, I decided to open the lines of communication with my mother again just over a year ago. The story of which can be found here. I did a lot of soul searching before I made that decision. I set very clear boundaries and only agreed to it because I was absolutely sure she no longer had the same power over me as before. I was smarter, stronger and armed with the knowledge that I was truly ready.
Not to give her another chance, fall victim to her scheming, but ready to accept her for who she was. I no longer expected anything from her or needed anything for that matter. Instead, I was opening my heart to the possibility of starting over. I knew I wanted her in my life, I just wasn’t quite sure what that would look like.
Just 5 months after I made that decision, once again she fell right back into her old ways. The details of which can also be found in the above mentioned post. And then she went missing. During which time (I would later find out) she had gone back to live with the same relative she had taken advantage of over several months prior. Eventually, they both contacted me to let me know she was okay and confessed to have been lying to me about her whereabouts. Apparently my mother had made amends and they worked something out.
I realized in that moment that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. As long as she is safe and I know where she is that is all that matters.
I finally understood what a relationship with my mother would look like. The big question now is whether it was a relationship I wanted to have. I thought long and hard about it and I decided it was something I could accept. We all want our parents to be perfect, but they are not, no one is.
What it all boils down to is that despite all the BS she has put me through, I will always love her. I have dealt with all the pain and moved on in my own way. I have no fear for what is to come because I know in my heart that she will never be able to hurt me that way again. I say never because through acceptance I have found freedom.
Freedom to love her without risk of falling into old patterns. I give credit to her for giving me strength.
Strength that has created the person I am today. I know what I want out of this relationship now and it is simply to know she is safe.
So when she reached out to me again, I let go of all expectation and allowed the communication to continue.
My mother and I set up a chat on Facebook and used this as our sole source of communication. We “talked” just about every day. Nothing deep, just a good morning, good evening, how’s life, etc…
Then one day, something she said gave me the feeling that I was not getting the whole story. Unsurprised by this, I let it be, but knowing my mother as well as I do, I knew the cycle was starting over again.
The next few weeks were followed by a series of more sporadic messages about her taking a trip, being sick, winning money and being on the road.
I didn’t ask how or where she was. I just felt some peace in knowing she was alright.
The last message I received from her was on August 9th, stating that she was on her way home. I have heard nothing since.
The person she was staying with is currently out of town, but said that the truck she was driving was still there and hadn’t been moved. They are sending a neighbor over to check on the house and I guess we will have a better idea of what is going on once that happens.
Although, I have a sinking suspicion I know exactly what they will find…nothing.
For most people the first thought to cross their mind would be one of worry and don’t get me wrong a sense of worry did hit me, but given her track record, my first thought was sadly one of disappointment.
Despite our strained relationship, I still have a deep connection to my mother and in my gut, I just know she is fine. Wherever she is, whoever she is with, I have little doubt she is in any danger.
You see my mother has always had a pattern in her behavior. She can never seem to settle down for longer than a year before she is on the move again. Assuming a new identity, a new life and many times a new family.
She turned sixty today and I guess a part of me thought maybe she was getting too old for this. I told myself that if she was able to make it past the year mark without incident that I would consider taking the next step in our relationship. I was actually going to plan a trip to go see her for the first time in almost 10 years.
And although I am not brokenhearted by the whole mess like I used to be, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely disappointed by her actions. Mostly, I am sad for her. This was a real chance to start over. The possibility of being able to be a part of my life again and she blew it. Just like she always does, she turned her back on the one person with the ability to love her for who she really is.
This life is so precious and our time on this earth so very short. There is so much she has already missed out on and so much she will never get to be a part. All for what?
What could possibly be so important to make you turn your back on the people that love you the most. People who have given you chance after chance simply because they hold the deepest of love for you in their hearts. Regardless of your mistakes, your indiscretions and the tangled web of lies that make up your life, they are still able to find it in their hearts to accept you just as you are.
I guess that is one of the things that make my mother and I very different. I hold my family and friends above everything. The love I have for them runs so deep that just the thought of their absence puts a lump in my throat. I would never consider throwing that away for anything.
So, Happy Birthday Mom…wherever you are.
Image courtesy of arztsamui at FreeDigitalPhotos.net