Have you ever wondered what your life would be like now if you had changed just one major life altering decision? Paths that would no longer cross and the new ones that would.
Would you still have met the same people by some divine intervention or do we truly design our own destiny? Who would you know, who would you be, what kind of life would you have now?
I can remember so many times in my life when I was caught in a whirlwind of struggles. In the midst of it all I was convinced I knew what I wanted, what I needed. I had this perfect idea of what would make me truly happy, what I thought was surely meant to be. And basically in every case I was wrong. Not getting what I wanted turned out to be the best thing for me every time.
I look back on those moments now and I am very thankful I was wrong!
My first steady relationship is a wonderful example of that. I was a freshman and he was a junior. I couldn’t give you a reason now, but for one or another, I fell for him very fast. I am not so sure it wasn’t a classic example of transference. My mother had just abandoned me and here was this person showing me love and affection. Did I really fall for him or was I just filling the void?
Either way, in the moment, I was just that, in the moment. Completely caught up in this forever love that when it ended just a few months later, I was devastated. I pleaded with the heavens to bring him back to me and by the time they finally did, the spark was gone. Sure, we had chemistry based on our history together and our friendship over the years that followed, but that crazy love feeling that was there in the beginning was just gone one day. I can’t really explain it other than to say that it was as if a veil had been lifted. Not that this was a bad thing. Completely the opposite actually. You see, when this happened, I began to understand that things are not always what they seem and more importantly that I didn’t always know what was best for me.
Now I am not saying I completely learned my lesson after that either…lol
In fact much to the contrary. Sometimes we have to repeat a process over and over before we truly understand the meaning of it. And that is exactly what I did in my early dating years. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I took a step back to reevaluate my life and reconnect with myself that I finally noticed a pattern and began exploring its roots.
I have spent relationship after relationship working so hard to please the other person that I completely put my own personality aside. So much so that I completely lost touch with who I really was and what I really wanted in this life. Over and over again, I created this grand illusion of a love that would last forever. And time and time again I was wrong.
When I was a teenager, I thought my life would never be complete until I ended up with my first love and then the love after that and the love after that, and…well you get the point. I was convinced I knew what I wanted, who I wanted and how I wanted us to live.
Looking back on this time in my life is very strange for me. I am so far removed from who I was then that it is almost hard to comprehend that I was ever that way. It is amazing how much one can learn from a heart break even 20 years later. Sometimes those that hurt us the most can also be our best teachers.
I learned another great lesson in love from one of my closest friends in the years after high-school. He was my person. I trusted him with all my heart. I never had a doubt that he truly cared for me. I, along with many others swore we were destined to be together, but we could never seem to get together. We came very close once, but I ended up meeting someone else and moved half way across the country with him (that’s a story for another day). He showed his true colors many years later when I moved home and fell right back in to the swing of the olden days. I won’t tell you the story now, but if you are interested, you can find it here 🙂
It took many years for me to realize that the reason the timing was always off was simply because it was not meant to be. Knowing what I know now about myself, I know I would have never truly been happy with him nor him with me. I was in love with the idea of us at the time, but the us of today just wouldn’t work and imagine all I would have missed out on had I taken that road. It is situations such as these, that I can’t help but believe there was a greater force keeping us apart. Something saving us from ourselves.
Besides, I would have been no good for anyone back then. I had no idea who I really was. It took losing myself over and over again to finally find the real me. I no longer need someone else’s love and affection to give me purpose anymore and it is so freeing.
I have so much love for my previous objects of affection because if it had not been for them and our failed attempts at love, I may still be lost.
Someplace I know I will never be again!