An Inside Job

The ones we love can be the ones that hurt us the most. Sometimes it may be intentional, but depending on who you surround yourself with, I would hope that it would mostly be unintentional. Why do they do it?

Our actions can have such an impact on others and I think we underestimate that sometimes. A simple change in tone can completely derail an entirely pleasant conversation and lead it down a path to destruction.

Which is why I am fascinated by the psychology behind our actions, especially our unintentional ones and those moments when two people have a completely different experience of the exact same moment. Have you ever had that happen? You have an argument with a friend and they remember you being the unreasonable one, but you swear it was the exact opposite.

So many times I have argued over the importance of tone in an argument. You can talk to someone in a calm voice, but still be completely demeaning to them at the same time. You don’t have to be yelling to make the same impact with hurtful words. Am I right?

Human interaction is a delicate thing. Which makes sense, if every person experiences life through their own individualized filter, there is bound to be some misunderstandings along the way.

For me the worst is when I am in a conversation with someone on the phone and the way they are speaking to me is coming across extremely demeaning and sarcastic, like they are talking in that way to get a laugh from the other people around them. The way a comedian speaks to the crowd.

I was trying to look something up for a friend of mine on the phone the other day and I was having trouble finding it. I was already having a frustrating day, so I started to get short with them. I caught myself doing it, apologized and we moved forward.

I told them I thought it best that I try to find it on my own and let them know if I needed help. I knew I would feel rushed with them sitting there waiting for me to find it and given the mood I was in I knew that would end up being no fun for anyone.

My friend agreed and I continued my search. I searched a bunch of different ways and I just couldn’t find it. I texted that I was sorry, but I couldn’t find it and immediately my phone rings…I see it is them and I am already annoyed (at no fault to them, I was just pissy).

This was not going to go well.

It didn’t.

I explained that I couldn’t seem to find it and that I was getting frustrated. My friend says to me, “I don’t understand how you can’t find it, just type…” and then proceeded to spell it out to me (including the spaces) in what I considered to be a slow, sarcastic tone.

I could practically feel the steam rising from my head as I said, “Ya, I know how to spell it, I’m not an idiot!”

I didn’t yell it, but it definitely had some bite to it. I explained that it felt like they were taking down to me like I was stupid. This time not as snotty or at least I didn’t think so.

Well, it must have been because the conversation escalated to them saying some hurtful things in a very loud voice and me hanging up the phone with a word I will not repeat here followed by “you”.

I immediately burst into tears and became a blubbering mess. I hate fighting and I hate confrontation.

And most of all this is a person I care about a great deal, who I have been drifting farther and farther from lately. We don’t fight like that and over such a little thing like that. Was this a sign to something stronger ahead?

This is a person who used to know me much better than I know myself and now I am not even sure if they know me much at all.

The heaviness of this possibility has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

What hurt the most was their blatant disregard for my feelings after is was all over. At no time was there a reason to be cruel and for someone this close to me to resort to that behavior cut just like a knife. Even if I was misinterpreting my friends tone and speaking louder than I realized, was that really a reason for them to take it to that level? And why would they want to?

For so much of my life I, I have closed myself off from everyone else from the fear of knowing the ones we love can hurt us the most.

And therefore, I have done my best to shy away from any new serious relationships and/or friendships. I have built these walls around myself and at times parts of them have crumbled just enough to allow the disappointment to seep in.

I have been doing the work over the last two years to change this. I am trying to be more open, to allow others into my bubble and in most cases I have been doing well. There has been a time or two where I was faced with the all too familiar feelings of disappointment, but instead of putting the walls back up, I shook it off, focused on the positive aspects surrounding the situation and moved on.

New situations have proved easy. So much so that I have felt somewhat invincible!

My mistake.

I came home yesterday feeling overwhelmed and uninspired. It was a blah day at the office, repetitious and daunting to say the least.

Work when it is for someone else’s gain is always that way is it not? So I did what I normally do and focused on all the positive aspects of this job compared to jobs of the past. There are a number of them, so it usually works pretty well.

Then there was this overwhelming guilt I have been feeling for my lack of inspiration to write lately. It had been two weeks since my last post on Random Thoughts and approaching the same on Insane Roots. That is just not like me.

I was hoping to get a post out last night and was already annoyed by life, so when my friend called the timing could not have been more perfect for a storm.

The law of attraction tells us that we attract all that surrounds us in one way or another. In essence, when we are annoyed we attract more of the same, so doesn’t it seem fitting that I would end up annoying my friend into a hateful frenzy?!

Reflecting on my day yesterday makes a great deal of sense now. I spent the day out of good vibration and ended up attracting more of the bad vibration I was emitting.

I am not saying my feelings are not still hurt, but I am choosing to get past it because there is no good that can come from dwelling on it.

Our importance in other people’s lives just changes from time to time. It’s all part of life.

And besides, it is not up to them to make you feel special or loved. That is all up to you. No one is going to do it for you and they shouldn’t have to.



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