Today was one of those days…
I strive to always be positive, but I was reminded today just how challenging that can be sometimes.
It started out okay, just a few bumps in the road that I was able to get past with the usual positive affirmations. However, as the day rolled on I found it harder and harder to snap myself out of it. One small tragedy after another presented itself to me until I was eventually left with this deep feeling of sadness. Normally, I can pinpoint the root of my emotions, but today I couldn’t.
I know I am a bit over emotional this week due to my monthly visitor, but even this awareness was not enough to help me snap out of it. By the time I completed my work day, I could feel the inevitable sobbing that was to come.
On my walk home, I reminded myself that I had a package to pick up at the office and I thought, “Well, that should cheer me up!”
Hoping this would do the trick, I walked into my building and immediately walked to the leasing office. The leasing agent in the office very rudely refused to honor my request. Which (having been in leasing before) I would normally completely understand, but did he have to be rude? I wasn’t. I said “okay, thank you” and walked out.
Just as I was leaving, I noticed a very young, slender, pretty girl walk into the office and watched as the leasing agent completely dropped everything he was doing to tend to her request. Really?
That was it.
As many of you know, I have been working very hard to overcome my issues with self-esteem and in this moment of instability I felt those old familiar feelings of inadequacy start to creep in. All those negative thoughts of not being pretty, skinny or young enough flooded my mind.
Fighting tears, I walked to the elevator and waited for what seemed like forever until I would be home.
I walked in my apartment, went directly to my bedroom and face planted on the bed. Crying incessantly until I could hardly breathe. I knew I was being ridiculous, but that realization just made me feel worse and I cried even harder.
It had been longer than I could remember that I had felt this way and I hated it. I was now upset with myself for a reason I had no trouble pinpointing. I had allowed the world around me take my joy away and I was ashamed.
I had fallen into the “human drama” that Dr. Joe Dispenza always refers to. I let my negative thoughts create negative emotions over and over again until I completely lost control.
As I write to you now, I have obviously had some time to reflect. I have forgiven myself for losing control and reassured myself that the state I was in today is not something to be ashamed of. If anything it is something to be proud of. A year ago, I would not have been able to reflect on this moment with such clarity and I may not have been able to snap out of it for days. I have battled with depression for many years and days like these used to last for weeks, even months.
Today, was just a day.
Photo credits to: “the Dreamer” courtesy of statigr.am/tag/lifelessons