This weeks ‘Journey’ feature is long over due. I skipped last week because there was just too much going on and I was having trouble focusing.
In my last post, I mentioned the Pubslush campaign that I was running to try to raise money for my upcoming book tour and it is with great disappointment that I tell you that we did not meet our goal. We raised $400.00, of which I am very grateful for, but sadly it was all forfeited because we did not reach our minimum. I spent the better part of Saturday licking my wounds and beginning to fall back into the self-defeating behavior that left me in such a somber place before moving to Colorado.
I felt disappointed by the lack of response and began to take it all personally. I was second guessing everything, especially myself. I am not good about being the center of attention and even more uncomfortable asking for help. Even though it is all for a greater cause, it was still very hard to put myself out there like I did.
However, it is time to pick myself up and move on! Dwelling on the past could halt the future I have envisioned for myself.
I have put this failure behind me and spent the last two days focusing on the positives. I have so much to be thankful for that it is just silly to allow this small set back overshadow my accomplishments. I have to remember that this is my first book. A book that I never thought would make it to the shelves! If I am not able to raise enough money to visit all the places I would like to on the tour, that’s okay. I will just try to find more charity organizations to work with in the locations I am able to make it to. If I am able to help some that is still better than none 🙂
And on that note, I would like to share the following post from Success in the City as a reminder of how important it can be to find contentment in the notion that everything will be as it should be in the end. There is no need to worry, just be strong and keep moving on!
Originally Posted: June 6, 2015
Well, here I am again, fighting the dawn.
I have given up on the prospect of sleep, at least until I sort out the million and one thoughts that are racing through my head.
I have spent so much of my life in a state of worry that I don’t think I know how to function any other way. I worry myself into a frenzy whenever my mind has a chance to wander. It’s like I’m fighting against my own insecurities and they are winning. Refusing to allow myself to relish in the moment and appreciate the many blessings in my life.
I am taking away my own joy. Talk about self-destructive right?!
So what do I do to change this?
I have spent the last six months on an emotional journey of self discovery. I know I have come a long way, but there is obviously a lot more healing that needs to take place. The fact that I can identify what I am doing as I am doing it is a start I guess…
I realized today that although I have forgiven those in my past who have caused me pain, I have yet to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the process. I still punish myself with my own words of unworthiness and inferiority. This needs to stop.
I have made mistakes and done things that I am not necessarily proud of, but it is time to move past this. It is time to allow myself to be happy without the worry that something will go wrong. And in the event that things do not turn out in my favor, I need to internalize the fact that the actions of others are not the reflection of me.
There are some things that are just not in my power to change.
What is in my power however is the ability to do the best that I can in any given situation. I am not perfect. I am humanly flawed. Cursed by the depth of my passions.
I am vulnerable, but I am strong.
In the midst of this constant need for worry, I must remind myself to find contentment in the notion that everything will be as it should be in the end.