As many of you know, I opened the lines of communication with my biological mother back in May. I felt I was ready then and given how I am handling the most recent turn of events I know now that I was.
Things had been going well with us (or so I thought). We were still communicating solely by text or via messenger, but we were in contact everyday. Even if it was a simple good morning or good night text, we rarely went longer than a day without touching base.
The first few days of reconnecting were spent catching up with each other about our everyday lives. Eventually, we started working through the past. I asked her many of the questions that have been on my mind that she seemed to answer open and honestly. I asked her about my biological dad and even sent her a photo of the person whom I thought it was for her confirmation (she confirmed it). Whether that was the whole truth or not, I may never know, but I really felt like we may be making progress.
We talked about the book and she seemed not to be bothered by it. In fact, she told me regularly how sorry she was for her absences and bad behavior throughout my life and that she was proud of me for taking it in the direction I had.
I knew it was hard for her to hear some of the things I had to say, but she agreed that they needed to be said and seemed to be trying her best to make amends.
She said, (and I quote) “ I know I wasn’t the best mother, but I hope you know that I always loved you”
I know she loves me, that is not the surprising part. What surprised me was her admission of guilt about everything. Never in all my years has she ever taken full responsibility for her actions. It was always someone else’s fault she was the way she was. This new attitude of owning her mistakes and making amends for those she had wronged was something I thought would never happen. I was so proud of her and for a moment (just a moment) I thought that maybe she had really changed this time. I am not saying I was getting my hopes up as much as I have in the past, but the pleasant prospect of finally mending our relationship definitely crossed my mind.
Unfortunately (and sadly expected), I believe I was fooled once again.
It has been almost a week with no response from my mother.
I have sent several messages to her over the last few days and none of them have even been read on her end (messenger tells you).
From previous experience, she usually takes off again after just short of a year after resurfacing, so I can’t say I am surprised, but I will admit that I am disappointed.
Not in the way I used to be, with feelings rooted in abandonment and neglect, but rather disappointment on her behalf. She has had so many chances and reasons to motivate a positive change in her life and she continues to chose to remain the same.
Once again, I let her in to my life and once again she has chosen to throw it all away. Why? That may be a question that will never be answered.
The last time she disappeared, I was devastated. This time? I am far from devastated.
She is my mother and I love her, but I know that I will be just fine without her in my life. Sure, I will miss her and I have an appropriate amount of worry for her safety, but her actions no longer have the intense impact on my emotional state as they have in the past.
Her leaving is something she will have to live with.
I took a leap of faith by letting her back into my life and I always knew there was a chance it would not work out. I was ready for this possibility before I even sent my first reply to her back in May.
My hope was that she would prove me wrong, but sometimes life just doesn’t work that way.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net