In follow-up to my last post, I did a little research tonight and my mother has indeed violated her probation and is officially a wanted criminal…again!
She almost made it an entire year this time.
I have to give it to her, she almost had me for a minute.
How am I handling all this you may ask?
Honestly, I’m not sure I would be able to accurately describe how I am feeling right now. I’m not sad or angry. Disappointed obviously, but intrigued more than anything by what makes her tick. It’s like she lives her life inside of the movie Thelma and Luis! As if she is only happy when she is running from something, plotting and scheming her next move.
We are so different in that aspect.
I am always running towards something in my life. Facing my demons head on.
When my mother always seems to be running away. To settle is to stop living to her.
Which is something I think I have always known, but I never truly internalized the difference in me. Until now.
I struggled for so much of my life, living in the shadow of my mother.
People tend to be a bit Leary of you when they know your mother is a career con-artist. Let’s just say it wasn’t always easy keeping friends once their parents found out my mother was a wanted criminal!
Several family members even questioned the validity of my Bachelors Degree, stating that it was in my blood to lie and deceive and therefore they wouldn’t put it past me to make it all up! Really?
No matter what I did it was never quite enough to get the point across! I am not my mother! I have spent everyday of my life up to this point bound and determined to prove everyone wrong. And today it hit me, I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself and I don’t need any convincing!
So I guess the best description of how I feel right now would be strong. I just feel strong. Maybe that isn’t really a feeling, but it’s the only word that fits the powerful realization I just had.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be watching my back over the next few months, but I am pretty sure I am going to be okay 🙂