In my last official post, I decided that I was going to take the next step with my mother.
Although I knew I was ready, it still took a few days of mentally preparing myself to formulate the actual response to her Facebook message. After all, no matter what happened, I still knew the outcome was sure to have a heavy impact on my life – good or bad.
I did what I usually do in a situation like this and I over thought it immensely (yes, I’m a Virgo!). After I had run through every possible scenario to determine how I would react, I was finally ready to hit send.
My reply was perfectly formulated down to the punctuation!
I sent it to her late Saturday night. I was not expecting a response given that it was so late, but I received one immediately.
It went something like this:
Me: Hi mom. I know we have a lot to talk about. I hope you can understand that I am not quite ready to let you completely back in to my life just yet, but I love you and I think it’s important that we open the lines of communication between us. I am not sure how much you are online, so if it would be better to talk on the phone let me know where I can reach you and let’s set a time to catch up. I hope you are well.
Mom: Hey honey. Yea, we have a lot to talk about. I love you and miss you greatly. Where I am right now I have no phone signal so you can reach me on this till I’m in a better area.
She followed by giving me her phone number, but we have yet to speak on the phone. The following day, we spent several hours messaging back and forth. It started as small talk really, but we did have some heartfelt moments as well. I was sure not to give any sensitive information out of ‘course (I’m not stupid) and it felt good knowing that I had grown enough to finally take this step.
There was one thing she said that surprised me. She apologized. Not the normal hollow and general, “I’m sorry” that I’ve come to expect, but for the first time in my entire life, she actually apologized with intent. This is something my mother never does. For her to admit her mistakes without adding what she felt was exceptional reasoning was pretty huge.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying she has miraculously changed or anything. However, I feel that this action should be noted. I believe that actions speak far more than words and it is her actions that will determine her future position in my life. We still have a long way to go, but I am certainly feeling as though I made the right decision. I know now that I have forgiven my mother and that feels very freeing.
It has also given me a sense of closure, which seems to have been the theme for this week. The absence of closure in any situation is like a wound that takes years to heal. Words left unsaid or opportunities never taken can leave us with an unconscious longing in our hearts. When the day finally comes and you are able to close this wound and more forward, the feeling is indescribable in words.
It is for this reason that I have decided to make a conscious effort to open my heart and not be afraid to say how I feel. In many cases this may not go in my favor, but at least I know that I left nothing unsaid. We are not able to control the actions or feelings of others, but we have every bit of control over ourselves.
Wouldn’t it be better to lay it all on the table and be rejected than to have kept it all inside?
For me the not knowing is much worse than getting the answer you didn’t want.
Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid at FreeDigitalPhotos.net