Something happened today, that up until now I was not sure I would be able to handle. It seems like just when I work through the emotions in one aspect of my life, another challenge rears its ugly head!
Another crossroads in my life that could change everything! A necessary evil to truly overcoming my past and fully moving forward in to the future. I have been writing the last few months about the freedom of forgiveness and it looks like it may be time to put myself to the test.
A few months or even a few weeks ago I would have told you that I was not ready for a lot of things. My two weaknesses have always been love and my mother. Little did I know I would be coming face to face with both of them all in a month’s time.
As if you couldn’t tell from my writing over the last few weeks, I have had my head somewhat in the clouds over the prospect of love and the hardest piece of it, the fear of rejection. It hurts, but I realize now that even though the person you fall for may not feel the same about you, the moment you shared will always be real. So, if nothing more manifests, than it simply was not meant to be and there is surely something better to come.
After my post on Success in the City yesterday, I felt great pride in the person I had become. The old me would have clung on to the prospect of love like a child clings to its blanket. The new me, the real me, is able to appreciate the moment and understand that there is a greater force at play. It’s okay to let someone in and you know you will be okay if they decide to walk away.
I spent the rest of the night creating! I threw on Bridget Jones’ Diary (love that movie!) and in the course of three hours (I watched both movies) I finished four sets of coasters and six pairs of earrings for my Etsy shop. It was beautiful! I went to bed feeling strong and powerful. I slept perfectly and woke up before my alarm even went off. I was ready for anything!
And the universe said, “Challenge Accepted!”
I know more than put my headphones in and turned on Spotify for my walk to work when I received a FB message from, you guessed it, my 2nd weakness, my mother!
When my mother was released from prison six months ago and sent me a friend request out of the blue, I remember feeling a painful cramp in the pit of my stomach. My hands immediately started shaking and I started to cry. I’m pretty sure I almost had a panic attack.
This morning was nothing like that. When I saw the message, I actually laughed. Not at her, but the fact that the timing could not have been more perfect. The moment was powerful in that I immediately realized how much I had grown in just a few short months. Before I moved to Colorado, I had so many open wounds. I was in constant emotional pain and most of it I did to myself. It’s like I was on a mission to self destruct and I almost did, but the fighter in me stepped up and saved me from myself. I smiled.
The message from my mother was short, sweet and missing an apology section, but I know she is sorry by what she said and the way she said it. One of the traits we have (or had) in common is the ability to get your point across without actually coming right out and saying what you mean.
If someone would have asked me a week ago what I would do in this situation, I would have immediately said that I was planning to ignore it. This time, I am actually considering it. Not letting her in to my life again, but opening the chain of communication.
I find it hard to ignore the synchronicity of this event. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I can’t help but think this may be the next step in my journey.
From my reaction today, it is clear that my mother no longer has the same effect on me. I have complete and utter control over the situation and I know I am strong enough to see it for what it is.
Writing my story, Insane Roots: A Memoir, forced me to heal my many wounds of the past. It has helped me to not only find myself, but to become a better person.
I am so thankful for all that I have experienced and I finally feel ready to take on another challenge.
I’ll keep you posted 🙂