As you can imagine, Mother’s Day is a bit convoluted for me. In spite of everything, I am thankful for my biological mother. If it was not for her, I may not be quite this interesting! Yet, the fact that our relationship is currently in a state of disrepair, makes this holiday one of the more difficult ones for me.
Don’t get me wrong there are several people in my life who I consider to have mother status and I use today to celebrate them, but deep down there is an overtone of sadness in my heart. Perhaps because there was a day when my mother and I shared a very strong and meaningful bond and therefore I can feel its absence.
One would think I would have the same mixed emotions on Father’s day, but I don’t know my father, so there was never a bond there to be broken. There are several people in my life who have stepped in to the father role in my life and I can honestly say that I am one lucky girl to be so loved! I still feel the loss of my grandfather, who was one of these wonderful men, but it is not that same emotional struggle that I encounter on Mother’s Day.
It is an odd situation to be in, when you are both thankful and mournful all in the same moment.
I know I will think about my mother a lot today. I will wonder if she is regretful that she does not have someone to share today with and I will wonder if today is just as hard on her as it is on me. There was a moment when I thought about tracking down her address and sending her flowers anonymously, but I shook that moment of disillusion from my mind real fast.
It may be hard to understand, but regardless of the pain she has caused me and the fact that my mother’s life is the result of her own actions, it breaks my heart to think she may be hurting today. I know it is her own fault and that I have done nothing wrong by standing my ground. However that does not change the fact that she is a person and she still have feelings.
It is in these moments when I must remind myself not to act on the impulse of love by obligation. I love my mother, I miss my mother, but that does not change who my mother is. As I mentioned in previous posts, I have set a date in the future when I shall revisit the idea of reconciliation and only after that time will I reach out. Maybe not even at that time if I see the same patterns in her actions. Either way, I must stay strong so that when and if this time comes, I will be ready for whatever the outcome.
I hope everyone reading has a chance to share this day with someone special. Treasure these moments, they will not last forever. Tell the ones you love just how much you love them whenever you can, you never know when they may no longer be there to listen.
Happy Mother’s Day! 🙂
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