I heard a song today and thought of you; “I Wonder” by Kellie Pickler. As I listened intently to the words I found myself tearing up. I know wholeheartedly that I made the right decision by walking away, but I do still wonder about you now and then. I have not shed a tear for you in a very long time and I thought I never would again, but there I was stepping off of a crowded bus in the new city I now call home with tears rolling down my face. For the first time in a very long time, my heart began to ache as the lyrics to the song reminded me of the void you left behind.
It has been years since we have seen one another and I wonder if you would even recognize the person I have become. Strong, resilient and ready for the challenges that still lie ahead. One of those challenges being you. I know our paths will cross sometime in the future and I can only hope the timing will be right for us to start anew. This however is entirely up to you. I will not allow myself to be victim to your manipulation or to be blinded by my own hope that you have changed….
In the middle of writing this, I took a break and went down to the deli in the building where I work to get lunch. As I stood in line waiting for my salad, I decided to check Facebook. If you get a kick out of synchronicity, you will love this!!!
At the bottom of the page there was a small number one lingering over the friend request tab, alerting me to a potential connection with someone new. Excited at this, I immediately selected the tab and waited as the screen loaded. Just then, the man behind the deli counter called to me and I placed the phone in my purse before I had a chance to see who the friend request was from. I paid for my salad and made my way to the elevator. Once inside, I thought about looking at my phone, but my hands were full so I decided that it could wait. I made my way to my desk and unloaded my things neatly next to my computer. Once I was settled in to my seat, I quickly grabbed my phone to see who the request was from.
My jaw dropped, my heart sank and a family of frogs made their home in my throat as I read the name under my breath. It was my mother.
I sat my phone down and just stared at it for a while. I didn’t know what to do. No one in the office would have any understanding of just how mind-blowing this experience was for me. I decided to reach out to someone I trust more than anything, someone who truly understands the gravity of the situation. As I picked my phone back up and found an empty conference room where I could make the call, I noticed that my hands were shaking; I was terrified.
The person I reached out to reminded me of the strong person that I have become and the power I was giving to my mother with the feelings I am allowing her to make me feel in this moment. it is so easy for us to feel obligated to forgive our parents despite any wrong that they have done to us. I love my mother more than anything in the world and this can unfortunately cause me to let obligation take over rationality. I wish I could explain to her that I am just not ready to let her in yet. I am still working on forgiveness and letting go of past grievances. I would love to believe she has changed, but I know that I will need to see a lot of action before I can truly believe it and safely allow her back in to my life.
My friend put a positive spin on it, by saying that it will make a great story in one of the upcoming books! I guess that is true, but it doesn’t lessen the gravity of the situation as it currently stands.
On that note, I will end this much like it started.
I love you. I think of you often and I am thankful to you for all the experiences you have given me. As well as the gift of life. However, I hope you will understand that the pain you have caused me over the years has left me with a slow healing wound that is still very tender and susceptible to infection. Please respect my space and allow me to continue with the healing process. I would love nothing more than to start our life over and make a new start, but you must understand my reluctance. Actions speak louder than words and if there is any hope in reconciliation, I will need to see a lot of action in reference to change.