After my post yesterday on Success in the City blog, The Fear of Success, I could not wait to get home and put together my final submission for the publisher. I spent the entire weekend procrastinating the process and after some soul-searching, I felt that I was finally ready to take the next step. The last few hours of work dragged on as I eagerly stared at the clock waiting for freedom. As soon as it was quitting time, I collected my things and headed out the door.
I had no more than stepped outside when the unlucky chain of events began. I work downtown and it was still very nice out, but boy was it windy. I battled for a few minutes to light my cigarette, but the gusts were so strong that I had to duck off into the alley to finally get it lit. I have cut back on my smoking immensely since moving to Denver (down to 2-3 per day), but my after work smoke is a constant. I took my first inhale, picked the song I wanted to walk to, put my headphones in and stepped back out on to the street. Before I could make it one block, I received a straight shot of city dirt right in the eye! Anyone who wears contacts can tell you the pain is excruciating! So there I was trying to navigate my way home with one eye. After a few blocks, I gave up on trying to remove the debris, removed my contact and held it in my mouth for the rest of the journey. After some struggle, I made it home and was greeted by three very persistent and hungry felines. In my defense of carrying the title ‘the crazy cat lady’, only one of these furry friends is mine. My roommate has two cats as well, but when it comes to feeding time I am the one who gets assaulted 🙂
I opened the drawer where we keep their gourmet food ( I swear they eat better than we do) to find the one remaining can of wet food to feed them. My roommate is a bar tender and would not be home until the wee hours of the night, which meant that I would have to go out and buy more before the night was through or tomorrow morning would be hell. Despite the new task now on my list, I decided to keep my promise to myself and get the book to the publishers before venturing out. “You NEED to do this” I reminded myself. As I portioned out the last can for the anxious felines, I noticed the kitchen was a mess. The sink was full and the dishwasher needed to be emptied. “It can wait” I told myself as I placed their bowls on the floor.
Directly after, I sat down to my desktop computer and opened the email from my editor. I clicked on the attachment; error. I tried again; error. “Are you kidding me” I said out loud. I tried again; error. Frustrated, I held my head in my hands. This was supposed to be simple. I had opened the file at work so I knew it was not ‘corrupt’ as my computer warned me it may be. All I needed to do was make two minor changes, remove the comments from my editor and send it along with the marketing copy, disclaimer and author photo. All of which were waiting in a neatly organized folder on my desktop.
I took a deep breath and decided to try opening it on my laptop instead.
As I walked in to my room to retrieve the laptop it dawned on me that maybe now was not a good time to jump in to this. I should be enjoying this moment, not rushing to get it done. I immediately felt an influx of mixed emotions and it brought me to an immediate halt. I sat down on the bed for a moment and tried to sort through what was going on. My mind was racing a million miles a minute with ‘what if’ scenarios and the magnitude of everything I had just experienced over the last few months. Whoa! Where was this coming from? This is supposed to be a great experience, something I have been waiting to do for months. “I don’t have time to deal with my emotions right now” I thought, but it was no use. Within seconds of having that thought I began to cry. I could feel myself fighting the tears, trying desperately to push them aside so that I may address the task at hand. There was no fighting it. For some reason, I just needed to cry. I buried my head in the pillow and sobbed for at least ten minutes. I had not cried that hard in months and after my little episode was over I felt an overwhelming calm come over me.
I reasoned later that it had been more of a purge than an emotional episode. So much has led up to this moment. It was like I needed to release all the negative feelings of the past in order to continue with the next chapter of my life. As if I had just been freed from the insane roots that have held me under ground for so much of my life. I was rising above the sorrow and discontent of the past to become a blooming tree of inspiration for the future.
Now I was ready!
I sat down with my laptop and the file opened without a glitch. Everything lined up as it should and within an hour I was ready to hit send. Before doing so, I closed my eyes and gave thanks for the wonderful opportunity that stood before me. I am thankful beyond words. Everything I have been through has all led up to this moment. I was only a click away from changing my life. Whether the book sells or not is besides the point. I have achieved my most sought after goal and because of this I will never be the same.
Eyes opened and send…
I did it, it’s done, I am so excited!
Sometimes our hearts know what we need even when we are clueless. I am glad I stopped and took the time to feel the enormity of the moment. Only now can I truly rejoice.
I would like to thank everyone for their support and encouragement. This book would not be possible without it.
And a word of advice: Don’t be afraid to pursue your dreams. Even those that seem unreachable can turn out to be just within your grasp.
Believe in yourself and the rest will follow!