Today and yesterday’s assignments for Blogging 101 revolved around personalizing your blog and as you have probably noticed, the look of this blog has changed a bit as the result. I have tried out different themes and added widgets, headers and menus.I didn’t alter my other two blogs, Success in the City Blog or Random Thoughts from Insane Roots, because I started those well after this one and I was much more familiar with the set up at that time. With today and yesterday’s projects done, I have decided to put together a new post in regards to the dreams I experienced last night.
The mind is a crazy thing is it not?! My mind had a hay-day with me last night. For those of you who have been reading my previous posts, you will remember that I have referred to someone in several of them who hurt me very deeply before I moved away from Madison, Wisconsin. Obviously I am still healing, because last night my dreams were filled with this person. I try my best to keep my mind off this person in my waking life, but apparently he is still wandering around my unconscious mind.
The first dream started several years in the future. I know this because I appeared as a slender, healthier version of myself. I attribute this to the current venture I have embarked on to get myself in shape and start the overall healing process. I stake no claim in having the ability to interpret dreams, but I can only imagine that I dreamt of myself in this state because I am bound and determined to succeed in achieving this goal. This part of the dream was inspiring to me. So much so that it was much easier to start my day with a banana this morning instead of fighting with my morning craving for cheese (ya, I know I’m weird…I’m from Wisconsin, what do you expect?).
But why did I dream of him? My theory is that my subconscious mind is in essence forcing me to deal with the pain he caused me instead of pretending as though it doesn’t exist as I do during my waking life. Just as I did with the feelings of disappointment and abandonment I felt from my mother before beginning this blog. I spent much of my early adult life focused on being strong and appearing as though the actions of my mother had not affected me. When that was very far from the truth. I shoved these feelings deep down inside and in many cases completely blocked out some very painful memories. It was not until I began putting together my memoir that I started to truly deal with these emotions.
Up until now, I have only touched on the emotional roller coaster this man put me through and I realize after my dream last night that as much as I would like to believe I have moved past it, I have not. Through false hope and the need for validation, I allowed him to completely take over my life. I ignored all the warning signs that he was using me to stroke his ego and I was convinced that our friendship meant as much to him as it did to me. He played me like a fiddle and once my strings were broken beyond repair, he tossed me aside like kindling. In a situation such as this, it is only natural to feel defeated, betrayed and mangled. It was a very humbling experience. I was ashamed and disappointed in myself to have allowed this behavior. I gave my power away. Something I swore to myself I would never do. To make matters worse, I then allowed my pride to get in the way of my growth and learning from the experience.
Apparently my subconscious had other plans!
Now for my bold attempt at analyzing last nights emotional escapade! As I mentioned, the dream was set in the future and I looked amazing (Yes!). I was in Wisconsin on a book tour (also how I know the dream was set in the future; my book is not on shelves yet). I was seated on a small wooden stool in the middle of a crowded book store preparing to read a passage from my memoir. I was wearing a colorfully patterned dress that stopped just above my knees and a tall pair of black combat boots. My hair was its truest form of brown and flowed down past the seat of the stool. As I read the passage, I remember feeling confident and powerful. Both emotions that I am currently working to master. As the passage ended, I looked up to receive a standing ovation (any author’s dream right?). I gave the audience a half bow/half curtsy and proceeded to the table for the book signing that followed. As the line thinned, I saw him. He was standing at the very end of the line, holding my book in his hands and staring at me intently. My stomach dropped to the floor as my mind began to race. My first instinct was to refuse him. The man who stole my heart was back to do it all over again, but now he had a lot more to take from me. As I finished up with the person standing before him, I took a very loud deep breath and mentally prepared myself for this interaction. Before I looked up at him, I heard him say my name and my entire body turned to jelly.
Still working on what I was going to say, I lifted my head and we locked eyes. He started going on about how great it was to see me and how wonderful the book was.
“Did you actually read it?” I replied in a snarky voice.
“Yes, I read it!” he replied with a look of surprise. “Listen, can we talk?” he followed.
I knew I didn’t have anything else going on after the book signing, but I really did not want to be alone with him. By the wobbly feeling in my legs, I knew my heart was still vulnerable to him, but I still wanted so much to talk to him. So, I suggested we grab a table in the coffee shop next door.
Then, suddenly, I woke up! Laying there in my bed, I could still feel the way I had in my dream. It was so real. A part of me wanted to rush back to sleep to try to jump back in to the same dream, but another part of me did not. I reached over and checked my phone for the time. It was 3 am. I had to be up in three more hours. So, I decided that I needed to go back to sleep regardless of the consequences. As I drifted off, I tried to put my mind elsewhere, but it was no use. I fell right back in to the same dream. This has only happened to me twice before and I have always thought of the ability of purely based on luck. Now I am starting to wonder if it is not luck, but my minds way of helping me work through something that I run away from in my waking life.
The dream picked up pretty much right where we left off. The two of us were sitting at a table in the coffee shop next to the book store. I was fiddling with a copy of my book as he began to tell me about the turn his life took after we parted. The unhealthy relationship he had been in off and on the last few years was finally over and for that he thanked me.
To give you a little real life back story, before leaving the state, I had sent him an email as sort of goodbye and in this email, I did not hold back about the way I felt during our almost four years of knowing each other. Unfortunately, his “girlfriend” at the time had some major trust issues (don’t blame her knowing what I know now) and she therefore had hacked in to his personal email, read what I had written and officially broke it off with him. This resulted in the last thing he ever said to me: “You ruined my life. F*@k off and never speak to me again!”
This was sent to me via text, just a few weeks before I left Wisconsin. I obviously had no idea she would be reading his personal email (especially because they were technically separated at the time) or I would have never outed him for sneaking around with another girl behind my back . Although that was not my intention, I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason and had he never written me off, I may have never been able to move on. It is still challenging, hence the dream, but I think it would have been much more of a challenge had we stayed in contact. He also lost his job shortly after this email was sent and for that he blamed me as well. I had absolutely no part in his firing, but I guess I was the most obvious person to blame.
Getting back to the dream…
We talked for a while, well he did most of the talking actually. In this dream, he said everything that I had wished I would hear him say to me in my waking daydreams, he was sorry, he missed me, he never meant to hurt me, he was confused and most of all that he loved me. As we finished talking and it was time to say goodbye, we both stood up from the table and looked at one another for just a moment in silence. He then opened his arms to me and smiled. I hesitated at first, but I then gave in, threw my arms around his waist and rested my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and embraced the back of my head with one of his hands. The longer we stood there, the tighter we squeezed until a sense of utter peace came over me and I woke up.
I do not know any other way to describe what happened to me last night except to call it dream therapy. I had always felt that my relationship/friendship with him was so self-defeating in its nature that there would never be a real possibility of closure. It would always be an open wound that I would keep bandaged and covered so not to reveal my vulnerability to the world. I am not fully healed as a result of this dream by any means, but I believe it has started the healing process for me and for that I am truly thankful!